- Amy Farrah Fowler: Is that your dad?
- Sheldon Cooper: It is.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I've only seen pictures of him.
- George Sr.: [on the tape] I know we're down, by a lot. And to be honest with you, we're probably not gonna win this one. In fact, we're definitely not gonna win this one.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you want me to turn it off?
- George Sr.: But we're not gonna quit, either. And if we do lose, you need to know that doesn't make you losers. You learn as much about who you are and what you're made of from failing as you do from success. Maybe more. So you can spend the next half feeling sorry for yourselves, or you can get out there and give 'em hell!
- Georgie: Yeah! Let's give 'em hell!
- George Sr.: Oh... watch your mouth, your mom might...
- Sheldon Cooper: [pausing the tape] I remember that game.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Did they win?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no. No, they lost so bad, the other team let one of their cheerleaders try to kick a field goal.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's interesting. I've always thought that my father's journey and my own were so different, but he also faced failure and setbacks. Maybe our lives mirrored each other more than I thought.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: So, from one viewpoint, you and your father's lives are asymmetrical, but from another vantage point, they're symmetrical. Sheldon, what if symmetry and asymmetry are observer-relative? That would mean that the Russian paper was right...
- Sheldon Cooper: But only from one perspective. If we look at it from a deeper view in more dimensions, our theory still stands.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Not only stands, i-it might be an even bigger idea than the one we were originally proposing!
- Sheldon Cooper: Go get your laptop. We have a paper to fix.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay.
- Sheldon Cooper: [glancing at the paused tape] Thanks, Dad. We're gonna give 'em hell.
- Penny: Okay, Sheldon and Amy are still pretty upset about their theory being disproved.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So we have made a list of subjects for everyone to avoid.
- Penny: Symmetry.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Asymmetry.
- Penny: Oh, "Sim City". Sounds too much like symmetry.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That also applies to "The Simpsons", Simba from "The Lion King" and cymbals.
- Penny: Russia or Russian in any context. The country, the dressing, the roulette.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, also, no talk of "Rocky IV".
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why "Rocky IV"?
- Howard Wolowitz: Because he fights a Russian.
- [to Penny and Leonard]
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry about her.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: He's re-thinking everything. How long is it gonna be before he gets to me?
- Penny: [sympathetic] Oh...
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's that bad, huh?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm afraid so. I just... I don't know what to do.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I have something that might help. It's... it's a recording of the only person whose opinion Sheldon actually respects.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hawking? Feynman?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Himself.
- [retrieving a VHS tape from a wall safe]
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's a pep talk he made when he was a kid. He gave it to me years ago and told me to save it for a real emergency.
- Penny: What? You didn't break it out when he declared his room a sovereign nation and waged a trade war against us?
- Leonard Hofstadter: His major export is talking. I didn't want that anyway.
- Young Sheldon: Hello, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Sheldon.
- Young Sheldon: If you're watching this, I assume something bad has happened. Something unfortunate and unforeseen. Something that's making you question everything.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm so smart.
- Young Sheldon: Now just to make sure it's really you watching this and not an imposter, what am I thinking of? On the count of three. One, two, three.
- Young Sheldon, Sheldon Cooper: Robot monkey butler.
- Young Sheldon: Okay, good.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Should I leave you two alone?
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: To what do I owe this call?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I need your professional advice.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, I'd love to help you out, dear, but I'm very busy at the moment. Perhaps we can schedule a time next week.
- Penny: It's about Sheldon.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh. Well, I-I suppose I can spare a minute or two.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wh-why did you just say you're too busy, but...
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, please. Not everything is about you.
- Penny: Ever since his paper got disproven, he's been a wreck. He's been sad and... and angry. He just seems kind of broken.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it sounds like he may be grieving.
- Penny: Really? Over a theory?
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Of course. You can grieve over any emotional loss. The more you care about something, the greater the trauma of losing it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, boy. He cared about this a lot.
- Penny: Yeah. What can we do to help him?
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, grieving is a process. Every culture has its own rituals and traditions to facilitate mourning. The ancient Egyptians had their mummification, the Tibetans had their sky funerals...
- Leonard Hofstadter: And when I was little and my dog died, my mom sat me down and very gently told me that she wished the truck had hit my dad instead.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I was trying to lighten the mood. Your dog had just died.
- Sheldon Cooper: I know this is just a scientific theory, but to me, it was more than that. It described the universe in a new and beautiful way. I want that to be the universe we live in, but I guess it's not.
- Penny: Amy, would you like to shoot the arrow?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [she sets it on fire, and he puts the dish in the tub] It's kind of beautiful, isn't it?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, it is.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's getting kind of close to the curtain.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's in water. It's fine.
- Penny: [the shower curtain catches on fire] Oh!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh!
- Penny: Oh!
- Sheldon Cooper: Looks like we both had theories that were wrong.
- Penny: We should just try and avoid anything that makes them think of their project or science or Nobel Prizes or successes or failures.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [entering] Hi.
- [calls of greeting]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you guys doing?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Nothing.
- Sheldon Cooper: Nothing? Like what my career has come to? Thanks a lot!
- [He leaves, upset]
- Howard Wolowitz: [to Bernadette] Nice going.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you doing?
- Sheldon Cooper: Eating, reading, watching television, listening to the radio. What does it look like I'm doing?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Is that asparagus? I thought you hate asparagus.
- Sheldon Cooper: I thought so, too. But I also thought super-asymmetry was a good idea, so what else am I wrong about?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, so now you're re-evaluating every opinion you've ever had?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I am following the example of 17th century philosopher René Descartes. He subjected all his beliefs to radical doubt so that he could build a bedrock belief and build his cognitive life back up on firm principles.
- [taking a bite of asparagus and spitting it out]
- Sheldon Cooper: Ugh! Still yucky, still yucky.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I know you're upset about the paper, okay? I'm upset, too.
- Sheldon Cooper: I mean, I was so sure we were right. Every fiber of my being felt like this was it. This was the one. How can I trust my instincts anymore?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, just because our theory was wrong, that doesn't mean you're wrong about everything.
- Sheldon Cooper: Doesn't it? I've always thought I hated jazz. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's great to hear all the notes at once.
- [he turns the stereo on; after a moment, he turns it off in impatience]
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm trying! I'm really trying!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm really worried about Sheldon. I've never seen him this down.
- Penny: Have you tried making him a cup of tea?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: He's re-evaluated tea. Now he thinks it's nothing but leaf soup.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's a good point.
- Penny: No, it's not.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's not.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, look how cute you were!
- Sheldon Cooper: Amy, please. Of course I was cute. Look how I turned out.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard and I have been working really hard on his audition, so it'll be helpful to get another set of eyes on it.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, as someone who's watched every episode of "America's Got Talent", I'm getting pretty good at telling when some American's got talent. Seriously. Heidi and I agree, like, 90% of the time.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: All right. Don't be afraid to be brutally honest. Like my mom used to say when I was doing pageants, "Tears only make your eyes sparkle brighter."
- Raj Koothrappali: That is both sad and true. Half my Instagram is after a good cry.
- Penny: How you guys doing?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: A little better, if you can believe it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [seeing him face-down on the couch] Sheldon?
- Sheldon Cooper: [muffled] Go away.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Buddy, come on, let us help you.
- Sheldon Cooper: The only person who could help me was erased by the Medford High Wolves.
- Penny: Oh, that's funny. My high school was also the Wolves.
- [seeing his look]
- Penny: No? Not now? Okay.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess we could bury it in the park.
- Sheldon Cooper: Where dogs do their business and other dogs sniff that business? I don't think so.
- Penny: What would you like to do, Sheldon?
- Sheldon Cooper: The only fitting send-off: a Viking funeral.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You mean, like, push it out into a lake and shoot it with a flaming arrow?
- Sheldon Cooper: This guy gets it.
- Penny: How about a bathtub and a match?
- Sheldon Cooper: How about a bathtub and a flaming arrow?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: How about a bathtub, a match and an ice-cold Yoo-Hoo after?
- Sheldon Cooper: Sold!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey, I'm gonna take tomorrow off so we can spend the whole day running the act.
- Howard Wolowitz: You know what? It has been so much fun working on this with you, but...
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: But what?
- Howard Wolowitz: It hasn't. I'm not gonna audition.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey, I didn't raise a quitter!
- Howard Wolowitz: You didn't raise me at all!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Look, I get that you're scared, but we just have to push past that.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm not scared. I don't like the act. It's over the top and weird and has more jazz hands than magic.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why didn't you say something earlier?
- Howard Wolowitz: You seemed like you were so happy, and then when I tried to say something, you seemed like you were so mad.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey, this isn't about me. I just wanted you to have your dream, and I wanted to control everything about how you looked and acted so that your victory was mine!
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, that's... honest.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that was a nice speech. Too bad it didn't work.
- Sheldon Cooper: Maybe it did.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you mean?
- Sheldon Cooper: I've been acting like the game is over, but it's only halftime. And there's a lot more physics left to play.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Wow. Was that your first-ever sports metaphor?
- Sheldon Cooper: It was! And I think it was a home run. That's two!
- Penny: Whatcha eatin'?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Chicken-fried steak.
- Penny: What? You can't have chicken-fried steak first thing in the morning!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, you knew I was a bad boy when you married me. Come on, you want a piece of this?
- Penny: You, or the steak?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Me. I'm not sharing the steak.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is that a VCR?
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. Amy asked if we had one she could borrow, and I just want to make sure it still works.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What's on the tape?
- Howard Wolowitz: Not sure. I used to record a lot of "Jeopardy!" for my mom, but if I push play and you see some naked people...
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Got it. What is porn?
- Howard Wolowitz: Ooh, we were looking for "vintage '80s erotica", but I'll accept it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: "Fine with Flags"?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Flags. Up there flapping around on poles. If you think about it, they're just the strippers of the emblem world.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I got something that I might cheer you up. It is the emergency pep talk you made when you were a kid.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that. I was saving that for the day they stop making "Star Wars" movies. I don't think that's ever gonna happen.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: How long has it been since you've seen it?
- Sheldon Cooper: Not since the day I recorded it. No, I had just watched "Back to the Future II", where Marty McFly gets a glimpse of his future self and that got me thinking, the day may come where I needed my help, like they did with that movie. That was not great.
- Young Sheldon: Sheldon, never forget. No matter how bad things seem, you al...
- Sheldon Cooper: [seeing the video has been taped over] What? What... No! N... My dad taped over it with one of his stupid high school football games!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Is there anything I can do?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. You can build me a time machine so I can go back and tell my younger self to give up, because nothing's gonna work out the way he wants.
- [he storms off to the bedroom and shuts the door]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [quietly] I was thinking a nice cup of leaf soup.
- Howard Wolowitz: What's all this?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your magic tricks from the garage. Your wands, your top hat with the stuffed mouse inside.
- Howard Wolowitz: I never had a stuffed mouse.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, do not wear this hat.
- Howard Wolowitz: Why is it all in the living room?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because I think the Great Howdini deserves to be a member of the Magic Castle.
- Howard Wolowitz: That's sweet, but I'm not that guy anymore. I've outgrown it.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [holding up an old pair of skinny jeans to his waist] Have you?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Look. I know you still want this, and I can help you. All those pageants I did as a kid? I could teach you how to present yourself, connect with the judges, sabotage the competition.
- Howard Wolowitz: Whoa, whoa. No one's sabotaging anybody.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Of course not. Little girls in ball growns trip. It happens. Trust me, I'm gonna be the pageant mom to you that my mom was to me.
- Howard Wolowitz: I thought you hated your mom for making you do that.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sternly] More talk like that and you're not getting any dinner!
- [pleasantly]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amazing how it all comes back.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hello. I'm the Great Howdini from Altadena, California. I have no brothers or sisters and my favorite thing to eat is grilled cheese.
- Raj Koothrappali: [unimpressed] When does the magic start?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: It already started.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you getting sick?
- Howard Wolowitz: No, I have glitter in my nose.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just your nose? Consider yourself lucky.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why are you watching that?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm just looking to see if there's anything left of your speech.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's not important. I remember everything I said.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: And?
- Sheldon Cooper: It was good. It just would've meant more coming from me.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Put it back on. You look adorable.
- Howard Wolowitz: It's just a practice tape from when I was trying to become a member of the Magic Castle.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I didn't know you auditioned there.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I never went through with it. I watched the tape and realized I wasn't good enough. You know that trick where you saw a mannequin in half?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Don't you mean a lady?
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank God it was not a lady. I'd just be getting out of jail.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, you're a good magician.
- Howard Wolowitz: Really? You always called magic dumb.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You can be good at something dumb. You know what? You should audition now.
- Howard Wolowitz: It's fine. I don't need to be a member of the most elite magical society on the face of the earth.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sounds like you still want it. And I don't want our kids to see this tape one day and think their dad is a quitter.
- Howard Wolowitz: We don't have to show it to them.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I am definitely showing it to them.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Look, t-this might seem strange, but, uh, we thought it might help you get some closure if you had a chance to properly say goodbye to your paper.
- Penny: Yeah, you know, we could say a few words, you could talk about what it meant to you, and-and we could bury it somewhere.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You mean have a funeral for our theory?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's ridiculous.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I thought so, too, but my mom thought it might work.
- Sheldon Cooper: [perking up] Beverly thought it would help? We should try it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wha... how come when you thought it was my idea...
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, please, this is not about you.