The Right One (I) (2021)
Iliza Shlesinger: Kelly
Photos
Quotes
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Kelly : So I'm downstairs, and I hear this noise. I push open the bathroom door, and there's Dan, and he is standing there wiping off makeup.
Sara : Right.
Kelly : Makeup! It was my makeup! And I get it, it's modern times right now, and we're all supposed to be, like, gender fluid or whatever. But you would think, after eight years of marriage, my husband would tell me if he was thinking about crossdressing or whatever.
Sara : Maybe.
Kelly : Yeah. I guess it doesn't matter. It would have been nice if you listened to my story about my husband using all of my foundation.
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Kelly : I love you, but this, like, manic pixie dream girl, "I don't know what's going on" thing is really starting to piss me off. You forced your way into that man's life, and you made a mess of it, and now that it doesn't suit your needs anymore, you're just going to walk away.
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Kelly : If you reduce the world down to atoms and molecules, you see that we're all just one big organism, and that what we do as individuals has an effect on others. You have an obligation to help that man because in a way, you are that man.
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Kelly : Honestly, Sara, this self-indulgent, narcissistic phase of yours... Has gone on for too long. Your Simon breakup is messing with my money.
Sara : Simon sold his soul and became obsessed with his 401K and his stock options. So, no.
Kelly : Ooh! Ooh! What an asshole. He grew up and did something responsible. Just like every fucking woman in this world wants! You need to move on, so you have a date tomorrow. His name is Ben. He is an artist, a real one, who actually makes money. I've made you a reservation at that place you like where all the food tastes the same.
Sara : No, no, I'm not going.
Kelly : What'd you say?
Sara : No, I'm not going.
Kelly : Oh, you're going to do it. And do you know why? Because if you don't, I will expose you and everyone's going to see how you live. Is that something you want? People to see the squalor that is your studio apartment? Sweatpants strewn about? Moldy, discarded, expensive meal plan containers everywhere? That pathetic vision board? I will bring your mother to your apartment, I swear to God I will. And do you want her to see that?
Sara : Okay, fine, who is this guy anyway?
Kelly : Mm. Ben. He came highly recommended. Makes musical steampunk instruments. You know, balalaikas, accordions. Some neo-Victorian shit.
Sara : What?
Kelly : And most importantly, he's a potential client's son, so don't be gross. I'm sorry. Don't be late.
Sara : Well, I don't even know what he looks like.
Kelly : I showed him your book jacket photo, so try and resemble it.
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Kelly : Speaking as a literary agent, not everyone has to be dead at the end of a children's story. I just think it's a part of life, right? The sooner, the better for them to learn it.
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Kelly : Because you write romance novels, and you need to get laid.
