"The Good Place" The Trolley Problem (TV Episode 2017) Poster

(TV Series)

(2017)

Ted Danson: Michael

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Quotes 

  • Chidi Anagonye : I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of "Les Misérables", in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph?

    Michael : "Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad, the officer chasing him is bad, all the whiny prostitutes are bad, plus they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."

    Chidi Anagonye : Do you see how you're already off-topic?

    Michael : Chidi, I've been around a long time - like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points - 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.

  • Chidi Anagonye : But philosophy is about questioning things that you take for granted, and I... I just don't think that you're doing that. I mean...

    [holds up Michael's homework assignment] 

    Chidi Anagonye : [reading]  "I personally know that Victor Hugo is in the Bad Place being tortured. He's a real wuss, too. If one of the lava monsters even gets near the guy, he's like, 'Sacre bleu, I peed in m' pants'."

    Michael : I don't know what you want from me. That... that's exactly what he said.

  • Chidi Anagonye : I just don't feel like you're engaging with the material.

    Michael : Oh, come on.

    Chidi Anagonye : Like with the trolley problem.

    Michael : That was just tricky, that's all. Why don't you just tell me the right answer?

    Chidi Anagonye : Well, that's what's so great about the trolley problem, is that there is no right answer.

    Michael : [he and Eleanor both groan]  This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.

    Eleanor Shellstrop : [to Chidi]  I'm on your side here, dude, but he is not wrong.

  • Eleanor Shellstrop : Look, this isn't about Chidi not being able to take a joke. This is about you. You're doing what I used to do. You're pulling an Eleanor.

    Michael : Posting my cousin's credit card number on Reddit because she said I looked tired?

    Eleanor Shellstrop : [Eleanor snorts. They chuckle]  I forgot I did that.

  • Michael : And finally, Chidi. You were a tough nut to crack, but I think I figured it out.

    [Janet hands Michael a weathered notebook] 

    Michael : This is a replica of a lost notebook from the desk of Immanuel Kant. It contains never-before-seen thoughts and musings, and several... uh, crude erotic drawings. Interesting guy, actually. The point is, no one on Earth has ever seen this... except for you.

    Chidi Anagonye : Cool.

    [Chidi takes the notebook and drops it into the trash without even a glance] 

    Chidi Anagonye : This isn't an apology. It's a bribe, and I'm not interested.

    Eleanor Shellstrop : [mouth full of jumbo shrimp]  Yeah, we can't be bought.

    Michael : What do you want from me, man? You want me to give you a golden nameplate for your office? Or you want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?

    Tahani Al-Jamil : No! Then this would be worthless.

    Chidi Anagonye : I don't want anything.

    Michael : [scoffs]  Oh. Oh, okay. Ah, I get it, I get it. You want me to admit that I was wrong. You want me to say, "Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry. Because I didn't understand human ethics and you do, it made me feel insecure and I lashed out. And, oh, please help me, because I feel so, so lost and vulnerable."

    Chidi Anagonye : Yes.

    [pause] 

    Michael : [heartfelt]  Oh, Chidi, I am so sorry. I, um... I didn't understand human ethics, and you do. And it made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And I really need your help, because I feel... so lost and vulnerable.

  • Chidi Anagonye : As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm. And although five people will die, I cannot harm one innocent person to save them and forsake my oath. It's unethical.

    Michael : Okay. Tell their families.

    Chidi Anagonye : What?

    [Michael transports them to a hospital waiting room] 

    Birdie : Doctor Chidi? My daddy needed a heart transplant. Did you save his life? He was working, then a really bad man ran him over with a trolley.

    Chidi Anagonye : Oh! Come on!

    Michael : What? I'm finding this incredibly helpful. I think I'm really starting to get it.

  • Eleanor Shellstrop : You don't care about learning ethics lessons. You're just torturing Chidi again, aren't you?

    Michael : Busted.

    Chidi Anagonye : What?

    Michael : [roaring with laughter]  I'm sorry. Old habits die hard. Not as hard as those people you crushed with the trolley, though. Boom!

    Chidi Anagonye : I'm sorry, is... is this funny to you?

    Michael : Yeah. I thought that was clear from my laughter.

  • Michael : Chidi? Talk it out, buddy. What are we thinking?

    Eleanor Shellstrop : He thinks he just killed a bunch of people with a trolley.

    Michael : It's just a simulation. I would never make you kill real people.

    Chidi Anagonye : Oh, well, that's reassuring. Because some of the parts of the fake people *flew into my mouth*!

  • Michael : I screwed up. I'm owning it. I mean, I'm a superior being, I ought to act like one, right? So I really thought about each one of you, and I got you something that will make you happy. I call them "opposite tortures."

    Eleanor Shellstrop : Do you mean presents?

    Michael : Yes, that's better. Thank you.

  • Michael : Tahani, here's yours.

    Tahani Al-Jamil : [soft ding]  Holy mama. Is this a diamond?

    Michael : Yeah. Honestly, I don't get the appeal. Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now, that's basically meteorite poop.

    Tahani Al-Jamil : [squealing]  And I have the biggest piece!

  • Michael : [to Chidi]  These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?

    Eleanor Shellstrop : [panicking]  Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your *friend*.

  • Michael : Okay, so that was trolley problem version number seven. Chidi opted to run over five William Shakespeares instead of one Santa Claus.

    Eleanor Shellstrop : Okay, as much as I'm enjoying watching random people's heads fly off, I think we've taken this trolley thing as far as it can go.

  • Michael : [after a rumble shakes his office]  What's happening? What's wrong?

    Janet : I am wrong. I can't stop glitching. I don't know why, and it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. So, that's the main thing. How are you?

  • Chidi Anagonye : You've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?

    Michael : Well, obviously, the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people?

    [showing them a hand-made drawing] 

    Michael : So, I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smoosh our five main guys.

    [seeing Eleanor's look] 

    Michael : Oh. I did the thing again, didn't I?

    Chidi Anagonye : Yeah. Ten more, buddy.

    [he flips the chalkboard over, revealing lines like ones a student in detention writes] 

    Michael : People good. People... why is that so hard to remember? People... what is it?

    Chidi Anagonye : Good.

    Michael : Good.

  • Michael : Look, I don't know what to tell you. If Chidi can't take a joke, that's on him. Just like all that blood was.

    [chuckles, raises his hand for a high-five] 

    Eleanor Shellstrop : I can't high-five that! No matter how badly I want to.

  • Michael : Look, I'm still on your team, okay? I just needed to let off a little steam. Phew.

    [snaps fingers] 

    Michael : See? Back home. All good.

    Chidi Anagonye : No. No. Not all good. You keep saying that we need you, or we'll end up getting tortured forever. But then when we do help you out, we still end up getting tortured. I'd rather just be tortured than choose it. You are no longer welcome in my classroom. Get the fork out!

    [Chidi storms off] 

    Michael : But I said, "My bad".

    Chidi Anagonye : Out!

  • Eleanor Shellstrop : Pulling an Eleanor in this case is lashing out when you feel like a failure. You couldn't hack the classes. They made you feel dumb and small, so you took it out on the teacher.

    Michael : You think I feel dumb and small? I'm an eternal being who can see in nine dimensions. I can see from your aura that you're about to fart quietly and then lie about it. And please don't, because I can also see what you ate today.

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