The Good Place (TV Series)

Janet and Michael (2017)

Ted Danson: Michael

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Michael : [Michael discovers that Jason and Tahani are being intimate with each other]  Whoa! You two are sleeping together?

  Jason Mendoza : Only when we're done having sex.

• Shawn : I understand that you need the four humans to think they're in the Good Place, but using an actual Good Place Janet seems risky. Why don't you have a Bad Place Janet pretend to be good?

  Michael : I thought of that, but watch. Uh, Janet?

  Bad Janet : [appearing]  What up, skid marks?

  Michael : Let's try that thing again where you pretend to be a Good Janet, okay? Now, really... really try your best.

  Bad Janet : Fine.

  Michael : Say, Janet, where can I get some delicious ice cream?

  Bad Janet : Oh, there's a wonderful parlor in the middle of town square. My favorite flavor is Rocky Road. It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows...

  [her head begins to melt and implode in on itself] 

  Bad Janet : And your dad's salty nuts, you fat dink!

  Shawn : I see what you mean. Use the good one.

• Val : Where did you get this? Did you actually get into the Good Place somehow?

  Michael : Didn't need to. They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void.

  [seeing she and Shawn are confused] 

  Michael : It's right next to Accounting.

• Michael : You know who could use some torturing right now? Chidi.

  Vicky : [excited gasp]  Oh! I love torturing Chidi.

  Michael : I know.

  Vicky : No, actually, I had this great idea the other night. Thought it was worth exploring. Picture this: needles.

  Michael : [expecting more]  Oh! That's the whole idea.

• Chidi Anagonye : Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt. Um, but you didn't give me a heads-up about this new Vicky torture. Uh, the one with the needles in my face.

  Michael : Little busy here, bud.

  Chidi Anagonye : Oh, yeah, totally, totally. I don't wanna be a nudge, but is there anything else coming down the pike that you forgot to mention?

  Michael : I honestly don't know, but I have bigger fish to fry, so, you know, just... just walk it off.

  Chidi Anagonye : Well, I would love to walk it off, but my feet have needles in them!

  Michael : I don't know what to tell you.

• Janet : I don't have any memory of being married to Jason.

  Michael : You said it yourself that Janets get more sophisticated every time they're rebooted. Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason was some sort of mutation that then was amplified with each reboot.

  Janet : Okay, that makes total sense. I know what you have to do now. Kill me! Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner, but in this case, it may be inappropriate, so I'll try again.

• Michael : Janet, I can't reboot you. That will intensify your feelings for Jason, and that's what got us into this mess in the first place.

  Janet : I'm not saying reboot me. I'm saying set me to self-destruct.

  Michael : [reading a page in the manual]  "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose and insert paper clip into small hole behind left ear."

  Janet : Yeah, right here.

  Michael : "Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube, or eaten as a mid-day snack."

  Janet : I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana!

  Michael : "A new Janet will need to be procured in order to return the neighborhood to functionality."

  Janet : Easy. I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet, and everything will go back to normal. Well, not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble floating through space.

• Michael : What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out...

  Janet : The neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. Fun fact, mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode.