- Himself - Host: And finally, new rule: you can't demand that everyone stand for the flag if you've colluded with a foreign government to subvert the very democracy that flag represents. Now...
- [applause]
- Himself - Host: The Russia scandal is complicated, and that makes a lot of people shrug it off. So we thought tonight, we would do what every other crime investigator does these days, at least on every cop show and serial killer movie I ever saw. We made one of these.
- [lights come up on mock-up of a conspiracy theorist's corkboard]
- Himself - Host: Huh? Nice job.
- [as he talks, the camera move around the board]
- Himself - Host: So... the crime we're tracking starts in the '90s with this man, Donald Trump, AKA Fat Donnie.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: AKA Donnie Retweets, AKA Edward Babyhands.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: A string of bankruptcies had made Fat Donnie a deadbeat on the street, but somehow, he keeps getting money from somewhere. But where? Well, according to this man, Don Trump, Jr., AKA Donny Douchebag...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: AKA the Asshole That Didn't Fall Far From the Tree. He said "Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of our assets", an admission corroborated by this man, his brother Eric "Short Bus" Trump.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: AKA Tweedle Dumber, who tells his golfing buddies "We don't rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia." Bingo! Sarah Palin might see Russia from her house, but Trump could see it from his bank account. And that's when he decided he was bored with Melania and ready to fuck someone new: America!
- Himself - Host: Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, this man, ex-KGB agent Vladimir Putin, AKA Vladdy Bats...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: AKA the Bodfather, is looking to install a stooge in the country he still hates. But who? Who's desperate and dumb enough?
- [the camera focuses on a picture of Trump, and Bill groans]
- Himself - Host: And so, according to the Steele dossier, Putin reached into his old bag of KGB tricks to compromise Trump; not just with the bank loans, but by secretly filming him with this woman, Ivana Goldenshower.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: And her f...
- [he snickers]
- Himself - Host: And her fellow prostitute, Natasha Urinkostekstra.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Consider them armed and hydrated. Cut to 2014, Vladdy Bats invades Ukraine, which causes the U.S. president, Barack Obama, and his consigliere, Hillary Clinton, AKA Hot Sauce Hil...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: AKA the Nutcracker, to impose crippling economic sanctions on Russia, which scuttles a multi-million dollar deal for Black Sea oil between Russia and Exxon Mobil. Who headed Exxon Mobil at the time and received Russia's Medal of Friendship? This man, our current Secretary of State, Rex "I Drink Your Milkshake" Tillerson.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Coincidence? I think nyet.
- Himself - Host: Vladdy Bats doesn't like his oil deal going south, so he does what Russians do when they want something fixed in Washington. He pays millions to this man, Paul Manafort, AKA Paulie Numbnuts.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: AKA Slime Shady, currently under investigation by every agency in the U.S. except William Morris.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: And for good reason: he's so far up Putin's ass, he can taste his lunch.
- [groans and laughter]
- Himself - Host: So it raised eyebrows when one day, out of nowhere, he becomes campaign manager for Fat Donnie. Even offers to do the job for free, although word on the street is someone was paying.
- [the camera focuses on a picture of Putin]
- Himself - Host: And here's a coincidence: Paulie Numbnuts used to be partners at a lobbying firm with Fat Donnie's albino assassin, Roger Stone, who happens to be Twitter pals with Guccifer, AKA Russian Intelligence. And they've been hacking the Democratic Party's private e-mails and sending them to this man, WikiLeaks founder and Hillary hater Julian Assange, AKA Gay Richard Branson.
- Himself - Host: On October 7, 2016 at 1:03 p.m., the famous "Access Hollywood" tape is leaked, which should have been Fat Donnie's ticket to Mitt Romney-ville. But twenty-nine minutes later, WikiLeaks announces it suddenly came across a trove of DNC e-mails and releases the first two thousand. Every intelligence agency in America says the hack came from Russia. But our president, who supposedly is defending our country, doesn't agree, and says it could be anybody; it could be "the work of a fat guy on their bed." Yeah, a lot of things could be, like the meeting Donny Douchebag set up with eight Kremlin-connected Russians in the middle of the campaign that he said was about adoptions. Could be, except it wasn't. An e-mail turned up addressed to Donny promising "Very high level and sensitive information that is part of Russia and its government's support of Mr. Trump." Little Donny's response? "I love it!". Because he's a fucking idiot.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Also at that meeting, Paulie Numbnuts and Fat Donnie's son-in-law, Jared "The Jew" Kushner.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: AKA Silent Jared, AKA Baby Fuckface.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Jared also needs Russian money to cover bad bets, so he meets secretly with the Russian spymaster... I mean ambassador, Sergey Kislyak, AKA Big Potato.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: A meeting which also includes this man, Michael Flynn, AKA Mikey Head Case, who had accepted buckets of cash to "advise" Russia and, oh, yeah, then served as National Security Advisor to Fat Donnie. A position he had to resign after being caught lying about Russia to this man, Mike Pence, AKA Mike Pence.
- Himself - Host: Everybody lies about knowing Kislyak, except for Fat Donnie, who invites him right into the Oval Office to yuk it up the day after he fired this man, FBI Director James "Jimmy the Giant" Comey, AKA the Boy Scout, AKA the Election Fucker.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Who had been investigating the whole mess. It all adds up. The only thing we don't have is a confession.
- [a clip of Trump's interview with Lester Holt, in which he admitted why he fired Comey, is shown]
- Himself - Host: Watergate was "follow the money." This case is "roll the videotape."
- [getting up from his desk, he approaches the board]
- Himself - Host: And it all points to a Russian plot to degrade our faith in democracy, install a puppet state, and fuck over an old enemy.
- [flipping the board over to reveal a picture of Donald Trump lying on his bed]
- Himself - Host: But, hey, I guess it could be just a fat guy on his bed.