- Boomstick - Host: When it comes to public service, two animals have gone far beyond the call of duty.
- Wiz - Host: They're known throughout the world as the symbols of safety, so let's make them fight to the death.
- Boomstick - Host: Smokey Bear, the firefighting mascot of forest safety.
- Wiz - Host: And McGruff the Crime Dog, taking a bite out of crime wherever he goes.
- Wiz - Host: In 1944, America's forests faced an ever-increasing threat. With nearly 16 million men battling Nazis overseas, little manpower remained to combat the spread of forest fires. Every year, thirty million acres of trees would go up in smoke.
- Boomstick - Host: Damn, that's even more trees than Snoop Dogg can burn!
- Wiz - Host: America needed a new hero, someone who could prevent these disastrous blazes from occurring in the first place.
- Boomstick - Host: And then along came a lovable cartoon bear named Smokey.
- Wiz - Host: Let me take you on a trip back to the late 1970s, also known as the feel-good decade, a time where individualism and personal liberation took center stage. But not everybody took that as a sign of peace.
- Boomstick - Host: Yeah, domestic crime was getting bad, like, really bad. At the turn of the decade, the American people made a hero to save them from themselves, a... dog in a trenchcoat.
- Wiz - Host: This canine began his campaign modestly enough, but he needed a name. After eight months of polling, he was given one, along with an unforgettable slogan...
- McGruff the Crime Dog: Take a bite outta crime.
- Boomstick - Host: McGruff, the Crime Dog.
- Wiz - Host: As a mascot, Smokey Bear did what he could to inspire the American people. He even partnered with Bambi to teach the ways of fire safety. However, Smokey was still merely a dream, a figment of imagination, until one fateful day in the Capitan Mountains of New Mexico.
- Boomstick - Host: What do you know? A forest fire broke out. The mountain trees were annihilated in a blaze so intense, the thirty firefighters called to action were almost incinerated, thousands of forest critters either fled or died. All but one.
- Wiz - Host: Atop a smoldering tree clung a lone survivor, a small black bear cub, his paws burnt, his family lost to the flames.
- Boomstick - Host: So after firefighters rescued him, there was only one name that fit: Smokey.
- Wiz - Host: Well, first they named him "Hotfoot Teddy", but they couldn't waste such a great PR opportunity.
- Boomstick - Host: Adopted into the National Zoo at Washington DC, young Smokey became the living symbol of fire prevention. They even made an animated short of his new official origin story, and it's... pretty horrifying, actually.
- Wiz - Host: The public adored young Smokey, he received so much fan mail, he had to get his own zip code, and since then, Smokey has successfully helped prevent forest fires and promote fire safety for over seventy years.
- Boomstick - Host: And boy oh boy, has he done a good job.
- Wiz - Host: Indeed, in just the first twenty years, annual forest fire damage dropped over eighty percent.
- Boomstick - Host: Yeah, thanks to Smokey's advice, I've never started a forest fire in my entire life.
- Wiz - Host: I don't believe that.
- Boomstick - Host: To my knowledge. I mean, I've had plenty of opportunities.
- Wiz - Host: Well, I'm impressed. I didn't think you took anybody's advice so seriously.
- Boomstick - Host: Why wouldn't I take Smokey's?
- Wiz - Host: Focused and determined to make that bite count, McGruff hit the streets hard and fast. In just a year, more than fifty percent of Americans had seen at least one McGruff advertisement.
- Boomstick - Host: That's 'cause he was willing to get his job done by any means possible, even if it meant ultimate embarrassment. He used commercials, cartoons, comic books, video games, musicals...
- Wiz - Host: He even released his own anti-drug album, with such classic singles as "Crack and Cocaine"... And "Inhalants"...
- Boomstick - Host: Yeah, it's really, really bad.
- Wiz - Host: As McGruff's plan generally targeted children rather than current criminals, it required patience and time, but it worked. Over the next few decades, crime dropped exponentially. The next generation of America was smarter and safer.
- Boomstick - Host: Now, some of you are probably thinking, "Hey, you can't prove McGruff was responsible for all of that!", and I say to you, can you prove he wasn't?
- Wiz - Host: Regardless, McGruff certainly had a massive impact, leading the charge against crime.
- Boomstick - Host: I mean, that's seriously impressive, considering all my dog does is sit around licking his balls.
- Boomstick - Host: [about Smokey] This guy started a fire safety club, picked up ventriloquism, and even taught the Addams Family to put out fires. You know, the people who love pain and things that are generally bad for you?
- Wiz - Host: He's befriended the creatures of the forest, much like a Disney princess, and even infiltrated Disney itself to teach their characters about fire safety. Also, unlike most mascots at the time, he's successfully protected his dignity through the toughest social experience in recent history: the '90s.
- [Smokey is seen struggling to teach fire safety by way of hip-hop, as a way of talking to kids in their language; however, he gives up and decides to just give it to them straight]
- Boomstick - Host: Oh, and in case you forgot, he's also a goddamn bear.
- Wiz - Host: An American black bear, to be precise. The largest black bears are over seven feet tall and exceed eight hundred pounds, which seems to match Smokey's own size.
- Wiz - Host: McGruff's not just any dog, he's a six-foot-tall, bipedal bloodhound, a dog breed known for their excellent sense of smell, an extremely powerful bite, and floppy, adorable ears. Scaling him to your average bloodhound, McGruff can likely run 45 miles per hour, jump ten feet high, and bite with enough pressure to break bones.
- Boomstick - Host: And unlike my dog, McGruff wears a cool trenchcoat, which not only protects him from the rain and cold, but gives off a neat detective vibe.
- Wiz - Host: However, unlike Thailand's air chief marshall, Mr. Fufu...
- Boomstick - Host: Rest in peace, buddy...
- Wiz - Host: True story. McGruff doesn't appear to hold an official police rank. He calls himself a "pre-tective", which is just as fake as it sounds.
- Boomstick - Host: Whoa, wait, if a crime hasn't happened yet, then how does he know to stop it? That's like some "Minority Report" shit.
- Wiz - Host: He possesses a certain set of skills to do so. He has a keen eye for details and context clues. He's exceptional at analyzing and predicting potential crimes in progress.
- Boomstick - Host: So, he can predict what's gonna happen with a few context clues, but that doesn't mean much if he can't stop a mugging or whatever.
- Wiz - Host: Luckily, McGruff has plenty of tools and talents. When someone's in trouble, McGruff's circle of respect creates a force field.
- Boomstick - Host: Which is apparently the perfect defense against bullies.
- Boomstick - Host: Smokey's got plenty to fight with, like his razor sharp claws, his trusty shovel, and enough muscle to rip your arm off, Chewbacca style. And then you have to worry about fighting a bear that's "armed".
- Wiz - Host: Was that a pun? It wasn't even bear-related.
- Boomstick - Host: Wiz, you can't even "bear" the amount of puns I've got. What have you got?
- Wiz - Host: As if. Unlike Boomstick, Smokey isn't one to just do the "bear" minimum. In fact, bears in general are quite durable creatures, thanks to their stout anatomy, including a skeleton so stable, it endures long hibernation without withering.
- Boomstick - Host: You "bear-ter" believe Smokey is strong, too, bears his size can break trees and flip over boulders weighing more than 350 pounds. When he was just a cub, Smokey even smashed this shitty little house to bits.
- Wiz - Host: He's surprisingly stealthy, able to sneak up on people in broad daylight with "bear-ly" a sound. Also, black bears can run up to thirty miles per hour.
- Boomstick - Host: That's what makes the bear cavalry so dangerous.
- Wiz - Host: [about McGruff] While he's not an official member of the police force, he's been hanging around officers for decades, so it's not unreasonable to believe he's picked up some police combat training.
- Boomstick - Host: Being your own dog has its perks. For example, McGruff's car isn't a standard, beat-up police cruiser, it's a friggin' monster truck! This bad mamma jamma is based on a 2010 Ford Super Duty with 540 cubic inches of gas-guzzling badassery.
- Wiz - Host: Definitely an upgrade over his original '96 model, though I'm not sure what this has to do with preventing crime.
- Boomstick - Host: Screw preventing crime, this beautiful beast prevents all kinds of other stuff, like boredom, being a little sissy, and small European cars from going unsmashed. That's enough for me.
- Boomstick - Host: [about Smokey] He's accomplished many "un-bear-leavable" feats to keep the forest safe, like manipulating time.
- Wiz - Host: And also, when he disguised himself as a woman without "bear-ing" any resemblance to his original body. Boomstick, why don't you introduce his greatest feat with your "bear-itone" voice?
- Boomstick - Host: "Pre-bear" yourself, because Smokey can magically grow so large, he's bigger than Godzilla. Look at the size of him!
- Wiz - Host: All just to emphasize a point, much like how I'm owning this "un-bear-able" pun war.
- Boomstick - Host: Oh, I'm still going. I hope you brought some sort of "non-bear-ishable" snack, 'cause I can do this all day. You're gonna be so "em-bear-assed" when you lose.
- Wiz - Host: No, no, no, that'll never happen when it's me "ursus" you.
- Boomstick - Host: Ha! You missed a bear pun, you're out!
- Wiz - Host: "Ursus" is Latin for "bear", moron.
- Boomstick - Host: Aw, damn it! You know Latin's my weakness.
- Wiz - Host: [about McGruff] Despite his skills and claim to stop crimes before they happen, he's more of a counselor than a protector, and doesn't actually step in all that often.
- Boomstick - Host: No, but he doesn't need to when he can freeze time!
- Wiz - Host: Ah, yes, McGruff is famous for pausing time and breaking the fourth wall to discuss an ongoing potential crime. Unfortunately, while pausing time, McGruff does not seem capable of interacting with the world around him.
- [a commercial is played, showing a little girl walking down the street and a car pulling up beside her]
- McGruff the Crime Dog: That's Jenny, but that's not Jenny's dad.
- [the scene freezes and McGruff walks up]
- McGruff the Crime Dog: If she gets into that car, that may be the last time you'll see Jenny.
- Wiz - Host: He doesn't even bother saving Jenny from her kidnapper.
- Boomstick - Host: Which means he was right, that was the last time we saw Jenny.
- Wiz - Host: Still, McGruff's campaign has been wildly victorious. It's safe to say he's succeeded in taking a bite out of crime.
- Boomstick - Host: Oh, my God, we didn't even mention the reality-flipping switch he has in his office. What the hell is up with that thing?
- [Smokey has just vanquished McGruff]
- Boomstick - Host: Looks like McGruff had a "ruff" time out there. Smokey was clearly the stronger combatant, thanks to... well, thanks to being a giant bear, really.
- Wiz - Host: McGruff wasn't totally outclassed. His greater speed and smaller size made the battle quite tedious for Smokey, but that's about it.
- Boomstick - Host: Yeah, he couldn't compete with Smokey in anything else. It's like my grandpappy always said: "Why have a guard dog when you can get a guard bear?"
- Wiz - Host: But what truly mattered in this battle were their unique abilities, and in that, McGruff didn't stand a chance. When McGruff paused time, he couldn't affect the world around him, while Smokey has shown that he can.
- Boomstick - Host: And really, what are you gonna do against a bear that can grow to the size of a mountain?
- Wiz - Host: So, bear beats dog, Smokey's powers were superior, and ultimately, Smokey had more far more options to take McGruff down for good.
- Boomstick - Host: Smokey was just more than McGruff could "bear". Ha ha, one last bear pun! Suck it, Wiz!
- Wiz - Host: [groans] The winner is Smokey Bear.