Steven Crowder: Ebenezer YouTube

Quotes 

• YouTube Partner : I just want an opportunity to earn a living again, like I used to, sir. See, sir, nobody understands the undisclosed policies, sir. I was here from the very beginning. You know. All you had was a bunch of cat videos.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Is there no myspace? Is there no Tumblr?

  YouTube Partner : Well, of course, sir. There's always those.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Oh, thank heavens. For a moment I was worried.

  YouTube Partner : I've worked really hard, sir. I have over three million subscribers. If I don't figure out this algorithm, my videos will be dead!

  Ebenezer YouTube : Well, if you'd rather your videos die, you'd better go let them do it and decrease the surplus population.

• Ebenezer YouTube : You two chose to grow your business by investing in YouTube on my platform with your time and money. That's not my business but your own.

  YouTube Partner : Not your business? Bitch, you crazy as hell!

  YouTube Partner : Shut up! Now be quiet, now!

  YouTube Partner : What're you talking about. You just gonna sit there and be a little bitch?

  YouTube Partner : No, man. You need to shut up. Shut up!

  YouTube Partner : You know what? I got something for you. Yeah, you wanna see it?

  [reaches in pocket] 

  YouTube Partner : What we got.

  YouTube Partner : What you got?

  YouTube Partner : Right here, man.

  YouTube Partner : What you got for me?

  YouTube Partner : Right here.

  [holds out empty hand] 

  YouTube Partner : It's your c*** of the year award.

• YouTube Partner : But Mr. YouTube, sir, it's Christmas.

  Ebenezer YouTube : I haven't time to make myself a Merry Christmas, and I certainly don't have time to make idle people merry, and if I had my way every fool who went about with the words Merry Christmas on his lips would be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

  YouTube Partner : So, you more of a Hanukkah guy?

  Ebenezer YouTube : Get out! Out! Out!

• Ebenezer YouTube : Mr. Cratchit, I want those demonetization reports on my desk with great haste.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Yes, sir, Mr. YouTube , sir.

  Ebenezer YouTube : And find us a legal way to shut down Mug Club.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : But, Mr. YouTube, sir, we have no jurisdiction over Mug Club.

  Ebenezer YouTube : I know that, Mr. Cratchit, but it's paid content off the platform that allows these street merchants to upload more free content than ever on my platform. On YouTube.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : So, you just don't want them to make a living at all?

  Ebenezer YouTube : You'll find yourself out of a living soon if you don't do as I say, Cratchit.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Yes, sir, Mr. YouTube. I'll find a way to make sure no one makes a living off of that content, sir.

• Ebenezer YouTube : Who are you?

  Susan Wojcicki : In life I was your former partner YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Susan, is that really you?

  Susan Wojcicki : Ooh, son of a bitch. I already said it was me.

  Ebenezer YouTube : But why are you here? Why are you in those terrible chains?

  Susan Wojcicki : Oh, I formed these chains in life due to my misleading business practices, my censorship and general malfeasance. Ebenezer, I came to warn you, your chain was as big as mine when I got here, and you've been adding to it. Oh, you've got a big-ass chain.

• Ebenezer YouTube : Speak comfort to me.

  Susan Wojcicki : Did you say comfort? I, I can't hear you. These chains , forged in hell, are kinda noisy. You'll be visited by three spirits. There's still hope for you, Ebenezer YouTube. Expect the first spirit when the bell tolls one.

  Ebenezer YouTube : First spirit? Couldn't I meet them all at once, get it over with?

  Susan Wojcicki : Oh, don't be a dick! The spirits will come on the breaking of a new hour.

  Ebenezer YouTube : O, Spirit.

  Susan Wojcicki : O, Ebenzer! Change your ways! Don't be a dick, Ebenezer YouTube! Don't be a dick! You were always such a dick! Don't be that dick!

  [fading out] 

  Susan Wojcicki : You might have sucked some dick, too!

• Ebenezer YouTube : Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold?

  Ghost of YouTube Past : I am.

  Ebenezer YouTube : But you're just a girl.

  Ghost of YouTube Past : Oh, you're so sweet. I can remember more than fifteen years. I'm the Ghost of YouTube Past.

  Ebenezer YouTube : What business have you here then?

  Ghost of YouTube Past : Your welfare, and to help you stop being a dick. So take heed. Come.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Spirit, I am mortal and liable to fall.

  Ghost of YouTube Past : Don't worry. A touch of my hand and you can follow the flow.

  Ebenezer YouTube : A touch of your hand?

  Ghost of YouTube Past : Well, for safety's sake...

  [puts Ebenezer YouTube in a headlock] 

• Ebenezer YouTube : Where are we, Spirit?

  Ghost of YouTube Past : We are back to 2005. The launch of YouTube.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Oh, yes, Spirit. 2005. I was a boy here. A young man.

  Ghost of YouTube Past : Indeed. Everyone was having a great time. It didn't suck yet.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Oh, yes, this was a joyous place. There are my first partners, Chad Hurley and Steve Chen.

  Steve Chen : Oh, there's another cat video. I think there may be too many now.

  Chad Hurley : Too many? There can never be too many. Everything's allowed on the platform or it doesn't work. It's free and open. Cheers to that.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Free and open? Humbug! How foolish we were, Spirit. If we had any idea back then what we know now.

  Ghost of YouTube Past : These are merely shadows of the past. They can't hear you. I see no fools before me, only men who wanted a free and open platform. Besides, you were already bigger than myspace.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Myspace created their own downfall when they became a safe haven for pedophiles. If I'd known back then what I know now, these people wouldn't have a job posting all these problematic videos. It's a miracle we didn't go belly up.

  Ghost of YouTube Past : Don't you see? This is the environment that made YouTube what it is, the freedom of it, the fairness. Hits, likes, comments. These are the things that made YouTube great and pushed the best people to the top. It was a meritocracy.

• Ghost of YouTube Past : Let me show you something.

  Ebenezer YouTube : That's Sound Guy Cratchit's place and his, ah, his boy, Tiny, um,

  [snaps fingers] 

  Ebenezer YouTube : Tiny, ah, Tiny, ah...

  Ghost of YouTube Past : Tiny Not Gay Jared.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Tiny Not Gay Jared. That's it. I had it on the tip of the tongue.

  Ghost of YouTube Past : YouTube inspired this boy. If not for your platform he'd still be a home-schooled child with nothing more than worn "McGee and Me" video tapes. Instead, he learned how to livestream his video games. With your platform he's been able to get billions of views and support the whole Cratchit family.

  Ebenezer YouTube : I did not know the Crachits were in such need, Spirit. A remarkable lad.

  Ghost of YouTube Past : And a gross violation of child labor laws.

  Ebenezer YouTube : I was going to say.

• Ebenezer YouTube : I must say I've never met anyone quite like you, Spirit.

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Really? Eighteen hundred of my brothers have come before me.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Eighteen hundred? My, what a precedent.

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Precedence.

  Ebenezer YouTube : I, I don't...

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Precedent is a legal opinion upon which other legal opinions are based; precedence is about priority and order.

• Ghost of YouTube Present : Touch my robe.

  Ebenezer YouTube : I'm not really entirely comfortable...

  Ghost of YouTube Present : It's not like that. Don't be a dick. You gotta touch my robe in order to get this transfer thing... Look. Just... Come on. Right now.

  [Ebenezer touches the Ghost who arches back pleasurably] 

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Ahhh. I'm just kidding. Let's go.

• Ebenezer YouTube : O, Spirit, I never meant to hurt my nephew. You must understand that BuzzFeed women painting in period blood had to take precedent.

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Precedence!

• Tiny Not Gay Jared : Father! Father! Come and see! My latest video has 200,000 plays in just three hours.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Such a meager feast.

  Ghost of YouTube Present : But very appreciated.

  [Jared coughs and looks distressed] 

  Sound Guy Cratchit : What is it?

  Tiny Not Gay Jared : It's already been demonetized.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Already?

  Tiny Not Gay Jared : They seem to be getting demonetized faster this time of year.

  [coughs] 

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Oh, don't worry about it right now. Come on. You need some rest. Come on.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Such a remarkable child.

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Indeed.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Tell me spirit what does he have?

  Ghost of YouTube Present : AIDS.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Indeed.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Oh, don't worry. I'll find another way to pay for your antiretroviral treatment.

• Ebenezer YouTube : O tell me, Spirit, does Tiny Not Gay Jared have to die?

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Well, if he'd rather die, then he'd better do it and decrease the surplus population.

  [pause] 

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Do you remember? You remember you said that?

  Ebenezer YouTube : I remember.

  Ghost of YouTube Present : It was a call back to the thing you said...

  Ebenezer YouTube : I remember.

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Are you sure you remember?

  Ebenezer YouTube : OK, OK.

  Ghost of YouTube Present : Do you want to see under my robe?

• Ebenezer YouTube : Spirit, I must ask. Are these the shadows of YouTube that will be, or, or merely the shadows of YouTube that may be, only? Why would you torment me, Spirit, if these events cannot be changed? A website can be made right. The future of YouTube can be changed!

  [Ebenezer wipes snow from tombstone to reveal inscription: "Here Lies the URLs of YouTube and myspace"] 

  Ebenezer YouTube : Myspace? O, Spirit, heavens no. Why would you show me this if I was past all hope, if these events can't be changed? I've got the spirit! I'm not the man I was! I'm not the man I was! I promise I will honor the freedom of speech and leave my platform open to all voices, and will honor those who built my fortune regardless of political leanings! Spirit, I promise, I'm not the man I was! I will...

  [thunder cracks] 

  Ebenezer YouTube : I promise to stop robbing content creators with my bullshit algorithm. I promise, Spirit, to be transparent and to keep the original spirit of YouTube all year long. O, Spirit, I will not forget the lessons of myspace...

• Ebenezer YouTube : It's all still here! I don't know what to do with myself. I feel as light as a feather. I'm as giddy as a schoolboy. Not a gay one. Oh, Merry Christmas everyone!

• Ebenezer YouTube : Young lad, do you know that iMac hanging in the Apple Store window?

  Boy in the Streets : You mean that bloody huge one that's as big as me?

  Ebenezer YouTube : That's the one. An intelligent, remarkable young lad. Go and fetch it for me, bring it to the Cratchit house, and I'll give you a shilling.

  Boy in the Streets : Och! Piss off! Those things are like three thousand quid.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Bring it in thirty minutes and I'll give you half-a-crown.

  Boy in the Streets : That's not even close!

  Ebenezer YouTube : Run along now.

  Boy in the Streets : How am I meant to do that? I have no money. Look at me. I'm a wee lad. I'm a tiny bearded boy with no money.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Ha! A lovely lad.

  Boy in the Streets : It's your only hope. Throw me a credit card. I'll blind trust it and hope I come back. That's all you got me.

• Boy in the Streets : [taking Ebenezer's credit card]  That'll do it. But just to be on the total up and up, mate, I'm gonna get myself something with that.

  Ebenezer YouTube : What was that?

  Boy in the Streets : I'm gonna get... well, not that it's any of your business, but here's the deal. I'm gonna get me a Bluetooth keypad and one of those Magic Trackpads. I like them.

  Ebenezer YouTube : A keypad and Magic Trackpad, then. On your way.

  Boy in the Streets : All right, I'm on my way. I'll be back in a bit. No idea how I'm gonna carry it.

  Ebenezer YouTube : What a remarkable lad.

• Sound Guy Cratchit : Oh, Mr. YouTube.

  Ebenezer YouTube : You, sir, Sound Guy Cratchit, were not at work today.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : But, but, but, Mr. YouTube, it's Christmas Day!

  Ebenezer YouTube : You see that as a fit excuse to rob me of my time?

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Yes, sir, I mean, no, sir! But you said I could have the day off.

  Ebenezer YouTube : Sound Guy Cratchit, I won't stand for this kind of behavior anymore.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Oh, please, sir.

  Ebenezer YouTube : And therefore, Sound Guy Cratchit, I am prepared to raise your salary.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Sir?

  Ebenezer YouTube : Yes, Sound Guy. Raise your salary and promise to purchase you a new... and to properly monetize all of Tiny Not Gay Jared's videos this Christmas and every one hereafter. Merry Christmas, Sound Guy.

  Tiny Not Gay Jared : Piss off. We have Mug Club.

  Sound Guy Cratchit : Yeah, Mr. Ebenezer YouTube, piss off.