- Crowley: [during Jesus's crucifixion] What has he said that made everyone so upset?
- Aziraphale: Be kind to each other.
- Crowley: Oh yeah. That'll do it.
- Crowley: Look, I've been thinking. What if it all goes wrong? We have a lot in common, you and me.
- Aziraphale: I don't know. We may have started off as angels, but you are fallen.
- Crowley: I didn't really fall. I just, you know, sauntered vaguely downwards.
- Crowley: What is this all about? Building a big boat and filling it with a traveling zoo?
- Aziraphale: From what I hear, God's bit tetchy. Wiping out the human race. Big storm.
- Crowley: All of them?
- Aziraphale: Just the locals. I don't believe the Almighty's upset with the Chinese. Or the Native Americans. Or the Australians.
- Crowley: Yes...
- Aziraphale: And God's not actually going to wipe all the locals. Noah's up there. His family, his sons, his wives, they're all gonna be fine.
- Crowley: But they're drowning everybody else?
- [Aziraphale nods. Some children run by]
- Crowley: Not the kids. You can't kill kids.
- [Aziraphale nods sadly]
- Crowley: That's more like the kind the thing you expect my Lord to do.
- Aziraphale: Yes, but when it's done, the Almighty is going put out a new thing called a "rain bow". As a promise not to drown everyone again.
- Crowley: [sarcastically] How kind.
- Aziraphale: You can't judge the Almighty, Crowley. God's plans are...
- Crowley: Are you going to say "ineffable"?
- Aziraphale: Possibly.
- Crowley: [shouting to one of Noah's sons] Oy! Shem! That unicorn's gonna make run for it. Oh, it's too late. It's too late! Well, you've still got one of them.
- Aziraphale: Well, I suppose I should say thank you, for the, uh, rescue.
- Crowley: Don't say that. If my people hear I rescued an angel, I'll be the one in trouble. And my lot do not send rude notes!
- Crowley: [to Aziraphale while looking in the direction of Jesus being nailed to the cross] Your lot put him on there.
- Aziraphale: It's the Great Plan, Crowley.
- Crowley: Yeah. For the record...
- [shouts]
- Crowley: Great pustulent mangled bollocks to the Great blasted Plan!
- Frannie: [electronic recording] Chow-brand unfood contains spun, plaited and woven protein molecules designed to be ignored by your digestive enzymes, no-cal sweeteners, oil replacements, fibrous materials, colorings and flavorings. Chow is an edible substance and must not be confused with food. Eating Chow can help you to lose weight, hair and kidney functions. May cause anal leakage. Enjoy your meal.
- Crowley: [after being caught during the french revolution] Animals!
- Aziraphale: Animals don't kill each other with clever machines, angel, only humans do that