- Jim: Hey. What are you doing?
- Alice: I'm breaking up with you.
- Jim: Shit, why? Oh, what did I do now?
- Alice: It's not what you did, it's that... you don't do anything!
- Jim: What's that supposed to mean?
- Alice: I don't want to get into it, Jim.
- Jim: Alice, wait, wait a minute, we can talk about this Look, be direct. I can handle it.
- Alice: You're irresponsible. Lazy with no professional prospects. You have no ambition whatsoever. All you do is smoke weed and play video games and watch movies and read comic books. You've no money. You have no sense of responsibility, no sense of style, and quite frankly, our sex life sucks!
- Jim: Alice, please, I asked you to be specific.
- Alice: You're 33 years old. Grow the fuck up. It's like... it's like you've given up on you! On us! I mean, when was the last time we went out for a nice dinner? And going to Arby's doesn't count!
- Jim: Well, it's not my fault they have the best coupons! Plus, we go out all the time!
- Alice: Name one instance in the past six months.
- Jim: There was that place with the Carpaccio. You had a whole bottle of wine. That was romantic.
- Alice: It was. It was romantic. It was also three years ago.
- Jim: Oh shit, really? Man. Time flies when you're in a relationship, doesn't it?
- Alice: Like a prison sentence.
- The Hitwoman: Open the door!
- Bodyguard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, weapons check, ladies.
- The Hitwoman: Ohh... are you gonna take my pistol out, pretty boy?
- Bodyguard: [to Sam] You too, cutie.
- Sam: [Sam shows the bodyguard the pistol tucked into her pants but as soon as he reaches for it, she grabs his wrist and twists it behind him, making him groan.] Cutie this, motherfucker!
- The Hitwoman: [Pulls out both of her guns and points them at the other 2 bodyguards] Hey! Let's keep it professional! It's just a couple of broken fingers. I'm sure he can still jerk off with the other hand. It might even feel better. You know, like a stranger.
- Alice: [to Jim as she's listing one of the many reasons for breaking up with him and kicking him out of her house] I'm the one who still has a three-digit credit score, remember?
- The Hitwoman: [Several hours later looking at Jim's credit score] Who the fuck gets an 86 credit score? What a fucking loser.
- Chad: Busted! Late again! Look at this fucking place! How can you work here? How many sales did you get last month?
- Jim: Uh, I don't have my numbers with me.
- [Chad gets up, slaps his hands together, and forms zeroes with his digits]
- Jim: You know, with the state of the economy and everything.
- Chad: Yeah, that was the excuse in 2009 and thanks Nobama.
- [Grabs Jim's copy of Predator]
- Chad: Come on, get into my helicopter!
- Jim: Chopper.
- Chad: What?
- Jim: He says "chopper", not helicopter.
- Chad: Whatever, this movie sucks. Anyway, I have some bad news and some bad news.
- Jim: Well, isn't that supposed to be good news and bad news?
- Chad: Absolutely not.
- [Looks at Jim's picture of his girlfriend Alice]
- Chad: I honestly have no idea how you were able to wrangle this one up. Luck of the Irish, huh?
- Jim: I mean, I think...
- Chad: Hey, there's no easy way to say this so I guess I'll just say it. You've been canned and you'll need to clear out your things in the next ten minutes. You might wanna hurry up 'cause security will be here to escort you off the premises. Actually, I told security to be here on ten minutes and... yeah, that was about ten minutes ago.
- Jim: That's not enough...
- Chad: [Looks past Jim at the door opening] Gentlemen, just in time! There you go, Jimmy boy.
- Jim: [Cut to Jim being kicked out the door] Hey, is that necessary?
- [His framed picture of Alice is thrown out and breaks]
- Mrs. Alcorta: [to the Hit Woman and Sam] Took you long enough. Coffee, beer, wine, migas?
- The Hitwoman: No, thank you. I had "mee-kus" for lunch.
- Mrs. Alcorta: Migas!
- The Hitwoman: Right. How can we help you?
- Mrs. Alcorta: Straight to business. I can respect that.
- [Snaps her fingers and her associate picks up a laptop, which he gives to the Hitwoman]
- Mrs. Alcorta: Do you know who that is?
- The Hitwoman: I do. Your competition.
- Mrs. Alcorta: Well, it just so happens to be that my favorite game is Monopoly. So, that's where you come in. I cannot have this traced back to us, and it needs to happen tonight.
- The Hitwoman: Understood.
- Sam: How do we do that?
- Mrs. Alcorta: Cute. A little bird told us he's got a Senorita in town. He likes to frequent her every other week. In fact, she likes to try and see him when her man's not there. And it just so happens to be, he's coming to see her tonight.
- The Hitwoman: Of course. We'll take care of it. And he will not pass go, and he will not collect $200.
- Mrs. Alcorta: Good.
- [Gets up and walks over to the Hitwoman, sitting directly in front of her]
- Mrs. Alcorta: Let's not repeat what happened last time. You don't get three strikes in this house, understood?
- The Hitwoman: I under- I understand. It won't happen again. And, uh, thank you... for the free parking.
- Mrs. Alcorta: I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
- Bodyguard: Hey, I see you didn't slow down? Where's your partner?
- Sam: Um, she's - she's checking out another lead. I'm just gonna park up here.
- Bodyguard: Whoa. What's back there?
- Sam: Gym clothes.
- Bodyguard: What?
- Sam: Fuck it.
- [Slams his head into the door, knocking him out cold, and turns to Jim, hiding in the backseat.]
- Sam: Call me, Sam.
- Jim: Nice to meet you, Sam.
- The Hitwoman: [after Jim reveals he was wearing a bulletproof shield, a tactic used by Clint Eastwood and Marty McFly] So fucking what? I still have 8 bullets. But it doesn't matter. 'Cause I'm gonna kill you with my hands. I'm gonna crush your head like that spic from Game of Thrones.
- Jim: His name is Oberyn. And he's from Dorne, you fuck!
- [Pulls a string]
- Jim: Now!
- [Gate opens and Sam appears, pointing her shotgun at the Hitwoman]
- Sam: Game over.
- [Cocks the shotgun and the Hitwoman smiles weakly as she faces down her impending doom]
- Sam: Bitch!
- [Fires the shotgun and kills the Hitwoman]