Death Battle (TV Series)

Crash VS Spyro (2018)

Ben B. Singer: Wiz

Quotes 

• Wiz : The early 1990s played host to one of the biggest battlegrounds the world had ever seen, the console wars.

  Boomstick : Nintendo and Sega's mascots were locked in a merciless duel over the gaming throne.

  Wiz : But when the smoke cleared, a surprise third challenger was rising to the top.

  Boomstick : The Sony PlayStation, and it didn't have just one mascot, it had two.

  Wiz : Crash Bandicoot, the mutated marsupial from down under.

  Boomstick : And Spyro the Dragon, the powerful purple hero of the Dragon Realm.

• Wiz : Listen, I admire another brilliant doctor of science as much as the next guy, especially those with grand plans to take over the world, but I'm not sure Dr. Neo Cortex makes the cut.

  Boomstick : Why not? He's an evil genius who made a mutant Aussie army of animals to take over the world.

  Wiz : Sure, but when it came time to assign a general for this "army", Cortex chose, of all things, a bandicoot.

  Boomstick : A bandi-what? You're making that up.

  Wiz : It's a real animal, look!

  [shows a picture of a real bandicoot] 

  Boomstick : Aw, hey, it's kinda cute. How's that little thing gonna take over the world?

  Wiz : With the Evolvo-Ray, Cortex did successfully mutate it into a powerful beast. However, when he tried to brainwash the creature, he utterly failed to create his fearsome general. Instead, he got Crash Bandicoot.

  Boomstick : So, Cortex threw him out like trash, and Crash became his worst nemesis ever, which is super embarrassing, 'cause this bandi-Crash is a few snacks short of a barbie. But his physical abilities make up for it; he's got parkour skills like nobody's business.

  Wiz : Which is appropriate, as bandicoots are excellent jumpers, similar to their marsupial cousin, the kangaroo.

• Wiz : Prophecy tells of a special purple dragon born every ten generations, destined to be a hero of his age. This was the legend of Spyro. But, when the ancient dark master Malefor learned of this, he swore to destroy Spyro before he even hatched.

  Boomstick : By the way, there are at least three different timelines for Spyro, but we're mainly sticking with the "Legend of Spyro" version, because he can do pretty much anything the other ones can, and more. Plus, I think they're all the same Spyro reincarnated anyway, since that's what the prophecy says, and look, that's totally Skylands being made at the end of Dawn of the Dragon.

  Wiz : Ahem, wild fan theories aside, Spyro was saved from Malefor's wrath by Ignitus, a Guardian dragon. He decided to pull a Moses and send Spyro's egg floating down a river to who knows where. Okay, why do so many stories start with people just throwing babies into rivers? That's never a good idea!

  Boomstick : Wrong, Wiz! It worked out fine for Spyro, he was found and adopted by a family of Dragonflies, and even without fellow dragons around, Spyro grew up to be a pretty good fighter. He's strong, tough, and makes good use of his horns, tail, and claws.

  Wiz : But not his wings, not yet. Without a dragon's parentage, Spyro remained mostly grounded during his childhood.

  Boomstick : But he got pretty good at using his head. Like, the fun way, not the brainy stuff. You do not wanna be on the other end of his charge attack.

  Wiz : But one fateful day, everything changed. During a game of hide and seek with his, quote-unquote, "brother", Sparx, they got into a bit of monkey business, and in desperation, Spyro unexpectedly breathed fire. This was Spyro's first hint that he was...

  [gasps] 

  Wiz : ... adopted!

  Boomstick : Hold up! You mean he thought he was an actual dragonfly the whole time? I can think of a few other hints, like, uh, I don't know, any time he saw his reflection!

  Wiz : This "revelation" prompted Spyro to go on a journey in search of his true home among other dragons. Oh, and Sparx tagged along to help find treasure and protect his dragon brother from harm.

  Boomstick : Not like he needed it. He's the chosen one, bitch!

• Boomstick : [about Crash]  He's got superhuman strength, and can take a big hit and just keep on going, like an Energizer Bunny of pain!

  Wiz : Crash can double-jump in mid-air, slide incredible distances, and use Crash Dash to boost his speed.

  Boomstick : He's also tapped into Mojo, a magical substance that's basically life energy, to enhance his battle techniques. He's got his Norris Roundhouse and Triple Dragon, but his favorite move is the Cyclone Spin.

  Wiz : He can even give this move a boost for the Death Tornado technique, though this can leave him dizzy and prone to counterattacks. Still, these brutal moves proved incredibly useful for rescuing his fellow mutant bandicoot girlfriend, Tawna.

  Boomstick : Oh, why does she look like that? She's, like, really hot, but also not at the same time. I'm really confused.

  Wiz : Uh-huh. While Crash's natural abilities were enough to save her, his future battles with Cortex would require more sophisticated tools.

  Boomstick : Yeah, like the rad Copter Pack. He's even got himself the unicorn of motor sports, the Space Motorcycle. What I wouldn't give for one of those...

• Boomstick : [about Spyro]  He's got a bunch of awesome dragon powers!

  Wiz : As a purple dragon, Spyro was not limited to just his fire breath. After finding and rescuing four great dragon guardians, they each became his teachers in the arts of elemental combat.

  Boomstick : Ignitus taught Spyro how to control fire and focus it into huge blasts. Volteer showed him how to use electric breath to stun enemies and toss them through the air. Cyril taught him to freeze foes solid and fire ice shards. And Terrador showed him how to use earth breath to split rocks and... roll up into a ball.

  Wiz : Spyro also honed his physical and chi combat with the martial art of Dragon Kata. Oh, and he finally learned how to fly!

  Boomstick : 'Bout time!

  Wiz : Speaking of which, Spyro learned how briefly slow down time to improve his reactions.

  Boomstick : Oh, damn! But all of this led to Spyro learning the ultimate element: the Convexity breath!

  Wiz : Aether.

  Boomstick : Convexity.

  Wiz : It's Aether.

  Boomstick : No, stupid! Everyone calls it convexity!

  Wiz : Okay, purple dragons like Spyro can use a mysterious energy, that is essentially the spiritual life force of the universe. While it's never officially named in canon, lead concept artist Jared Polin has gone on record to clarify its name and properties, and he calls it Aether. Eat that, Boomstick!

  Boomstick : Don't convex me, Wiz! True fans know I'm right.

• Wiz : [about Crash]  To increase his firepower, he carries a special bazooka that uses a naturally occurring and easily obtainable form of ammunition, Wumpa Fruit.

  Boomstick : The same kind of fruit shooter that's on his power loader suit from "Alien"... er, uh, I mean, this completely generic-looking mech.

  Wiz : But why fruit? I can't imagine it's a particularly effective projectile.

  Boomstick : I don't know, Wiz. Remember that time I shot you with my potato gun? Ah, you were stuck in a coma for like, a month.

  Wiz : Wait, what? You told me I lost that month because my time travel wristwatch finally worked.

• Wiz : Aether is an extremely powerful element which binds the fates of the living and the dead. With Aether, Spyro pulls from the four elements to create energy which, according to Polin, has power comparable to that of an atom smasher.

  Boomstick : Isn't that the thing that shoots an atom around at light speed for all sorts of science-y stuff?

  Wiz : Yes, they're particle accelerators with a moving photon beam containing 362 megajoules of energy.

  Boomstick : Yeah, I said that.

  Wiz : This beam can slice through a human skull in a nanosecond, just like what happened to Russian scientist Anatoli Bugorski when he stuck his head in one of them.

  Boomstick : Why the hell would he do that? God, being Russian must be hard.

  Wiz : Bugorski took a beam less than a molecule thick through the skull, which obliterated all matter in its path in an instant. While he survived, half of his face around the microscopic hole in his head swelled, peeled apart, and was permanently paralyzed, while he experienced the blinding light he described as "brighter than a thousand suns."

  Boomstick : Just imagine if that beam was the size of Spyro's super breath! No, wait, you don't need to! We've seen what it's like when he killed the Ape King!

  Wiz : Of course, Spyro's Aether powers have other uses as well, such as curing his fellow dragon Cynder of Malefor's corruption.

  Boomstick : Is he shooting ghosts at her? What kind of magic were they smoking when they came up with that?

• Boomstick : Where's Crash getting all this cool tech? He can't be building it himself, he's pretty dumb.

  Wiz : They're all thanks to his kid sister, Coco, who's ten times the inventor Cortex is, but Crash isn't really dumb, he just lacks communication skills. He actually shows many symptoms of autism. Some people with autism, known as savants, are extraordinarily gifted in particular skill sets, and I think that describes Crash perfectly. While he may not know how to hold a conversation, he is a superb athlete and puzzle solver.

  Boomstick : Well, I'm sure it helps that he's surrounded by friends who encourage his better traits. Like Aku Aku, his magical mask foster dad who's basically a god. Lucky bastard.

  Wiz : Aku Aku's magical mojo prowess is quite impressive, he's very protective of Crash and will often step in when Crash is in trouble, but not always.

  Boomstick : Wiz, why can he teleport across dimensions on his own, but can't teleport Crash very far at all?

  Wiz : Well, perhaps his fatherly intuition is kicking in, encouraging Crash to learn from his own mistakes and become his own man, er, bandicoot.

  Boomstick : Yeah, maybe he's just being a dick.

• Wiz : [continuing on about Spyro]  Aether is dependent on a balance between light and dark. Should a purple dragon fall prey to their own anger and hatred, they risk being consumed by Dark Aether, or Nether, transforming into a blackened, rage-filled form.

  Boomstick : Spyro's a really nice guy, but as Dark Spyro, he lets loose! He's stronger, faster and way more violent!

  Wiz : Unfortunately, when Spyro is consumed by Dark Aether, he cannot return to his old self on his own. But with friends like Sparks and Cynder at his side, he's always found his way back.

  Boomstick : [singing]  Through the power of love...

  [does an air guitar briefly] 

  Boomstick : Right, Spyro?

• Wiz : Thanks to Aku Aku and his own amazing abilities, Crash has performed some incredible feats while stopping Cortex's plans time and time again.

  Boomstick : He's strong enough to lift his adopted brother Crunch over his head. Since Crunch is at least twice as big as Crash, that would mean Crash's strength is similar to the world's best power lifter.

  Wiz : His Cyclone Attack can generate enough force to lift this large boulder and throw it so hard, it shatters on impact. Comparing its size to Crash, that boulder must weigh nearly eight tons.

  Boomstick : He's also fast enough to outrun polar bears, which can move up to 25 miles per hour, but Crash really shines when it comes to durability. Just look at how well he holds up after taking 112 falling wooden crates to the face.

  Wiz : Huh, where do they all come from?

  Boomstick : I bet it's Aku Aku's fault, and he's right back up, like it didn't even happen. What a champ!

• Wiz : With all these powers at his claw tips, Spyro is a force to be reckoned with. He's pretty quick, outracing biplanes that can fly over 159 miles per hour.

  Boomstick : He's pushed a gold statue about twice his size, and he's pretty tough, claiming his scales are impenetrable.

  Wiz : A bold claim, but let's look at the facts. Spyro once took a punch from this massive magma golem, which then lost its arm and replaced it with a cathedral tower. This cathedral is very similar in size to St. Stephen's Basilica, a Roman Catholic Church in Budapest, Hungary. By taking the height, length, and depth of the basilica, and adjusting for empty space, we can estimate the arm's mass to weigh over 400,000 tons. Assuming a low-end punching speed of fifty miles per hour, that of the average humans, the golem must have hit with at least 1.9 million tons of force.

  Boomstick : And after getting all these powers, saving the dragons, and defeating the dark master himself, Spyro tapped into Aether one last time, to literally pull the exploding planet back together! What? How the hell? How?

  Wiz : I'd say a mix of the power of love, magic of friendship, and a smidgen of prophetic destiny.

  Boomstick : Wiz, I want a pet dragon more than anything.

• Wiz : Crash has endured an explosion of twenty three crates of TNT all at once, which, given their size, could potentially level a city block, and with the help of Aku Aku, he even survived a crash landing from outer space.

  Boomstick : What the heck is up with his hair?

  Wiz : This vessel was likely falling at 17,500 miles per hour, similar to the space shuttle's typical reentry, which means the force of its collision would be equivalent to more than two million tons of TNT.

  Boomstick : Wait, but why didn't Aku Aku just teleport them to safety?

  [in the game, Aku can't believe they're okay afterward] 

  Boomstick : Oh, are you kidding me, Aku? You know what you did... er, didn't do! But what's the saying? "Any crash you can walk away from", right? Plus, given how easy it is for Crash's enemies to lure him into traps, his absurd durability is crucial.

  Wiz : Well, Crash isn't perfect, but with his amazing abilities, and a little bit of Mojo, he's saved the whole world many times over.

  Boomstick : And after years of this, he even finally learned how to speak.

• [Spyro has utterly annihilated Crash] 

  Boomstick : I don't think Aku Aku's gonna pull Crash from the grave after that.

  Wiz : Spyro had plenty of obvious advantages. His speedy flight let him control the pace of the battle, and his elemental arsenal gave him a much wider variety of attacks than Crash had ever seen in a one-on-one fight. Even with his extraordinary puzzle-solving skills, Crash was simply overwhelmed, but surprisingly, this wasn't nearly as one-sided as it looked on paper.

  Boomstick : With the strength to throw an eight-ton boulder, Crash was actually stronger than Spyro, and both of them had survived impacts worth around two millions tons of force. How convenient. It's almost like they planned this all along!

  Wiz : To be fair, we did have to lowball Spyro's durability against the golem's punch. However, both of them had shown durability which far exceeded much of their attack capability.

  Boomstick : So even with his gadgets, Crash really didn't have a good way to hurt Spyro very much, but the funny thing is, Spyro didn't have many attacks that could firmly hurt Crash, either. They were both just too tough.

  Wiz : Well, until Spyro used the Aether Breath, which could literally break matter apart at an atomic level. Not even Aku Aku could save Crash from a beam that intense.

  Boomstick : I guess Crash just couldn't spin this one.

  Wiz : The winner is Spyro the Dragon.