Comedy Central Roasts (TV Series)

Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis (2018)

Jeffrey Ross: Self - Roaster

Quotes 

• Jeffrey Ross : This is so much fun. I mean, Bruce is such a star. You've been in some of the most iconic scenes in cinema history. My favorite scene in "Pulp Fiction" when you save the guy from getting fucked in the ass. Hey, Dennis, at that point in the movie, were you like "Wait. Who's the bad guy again?"?

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Of course, your most recent film was a big bomb, "Death Wish". What a fucking stinker, Bruce. It looked like you did your own stunts, and your own lighting, editing, and directing.

• Jeffrey Ross : Bruce Willis, you, my friend, are a total original. How is it possible to look like a Nazi and a Holocaust victim?

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : You look like Sir Patrick Stewart if he operated a Ferris wheel.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : How the fuck are you a movie star? You look like a bouncer at a nursing home.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : You're like Elmer Fudd if he hunted bad scripts instead of wascally wabbits.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : This fucking guy. Bruce Willis wants an Oscar so fucking bad, he's slowly morphing into one.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : It's crazy. You went from being Hollywood's leading man to Demi Moore looking at you and saying "You know what? I'd rather fuck the dumb guy from 'Dude, Where's My Car?'."

• Jeffrey Ross : Kevin Pollak, I love you, man, but that Christopher Walken impression is so old, Ashton Kutcher tried to marry it.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Love you, Kevin. Sit tight; you're gonna be big whenever Paul Giamatti dies.

• Jeffrey Ross : Bruce.

  Bruce Willis : Yes.

  Jeffrey Ross : You've accomplished so much, buddy. But I think it will always be your blockbuster "Armageddon"...

  [cheers] 

  Jeffrey Ross : ...that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career. 'Cause in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Us Jersey boys are raised to have thick skin, so I knew you'd be a great sport tonight, and I wish you continued success, good health, and I can't wait to see your next project, "Die Hard 6: Natural Causes".

• Jeffrey Ross : What a legend. Bruce Willis has been fighting terrorists since before they were Arab.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Bruce Willis is pro-gun, pro-flag, and Propecia.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Bruce Willis, you love your country so much, he once said that if the people wanted it, he might even run for president someday. I'd make fun of you for having political aspirations, but the last time I did that, the fucker actually became president.

• Jeffrey Ross : How about a hand for tonight's host, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

  [applause] 

  Jeffrey Ross : JGL. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The only three words more boring than "gluten free cracker".

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Thanks for dressing up, Joseph. You look like a lesbian on the way to prom.

• Jeffrey Ross : My pal Lil' Rel is here.

  [cheers] 

  Jeffrey Ross : So happy for you, buddy. So happy. Congrats on all your success, and your newest film, "Angry Birds 2". Good to see you're not selling out. What do you play, Jim Crow?

• Jeffrey Ross : Tonight, we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Bruce is a real man's man. He told me numerous times not to hold back tonight. It's been great getting to know you and your lovely family, and I-I see, uh... I met Rumer, your daughter. Hi, Rumer. I guess that's the name your mom gives you when she's not a hundred percent sure who your father is.

• Jeffrey Ross : All night, people are saying I look like you, but Cybill Shepherd looks like Bruce Jenner Willis.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : And Lil' Rel. Lil' Rel looks like Bruce "What You Talking 'Bout, Willis".

• Jeffrey Ross : Joseph starred in "3rd Rock From the Sun", and Dennis Rodman smoked three rocks in front of his son.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Yeah, why not? Give it up for our next Secretary of State, my man, Dennis Rodman.

  [applause] 

  Jeffrey Ross : You think Kim Jong-Un is a nice guy, and he thinks you're Scottie Pippen.

• Jeffrey Ross : Great to see Cybill Shepherd again. And just like most shepherds, Cybill hasn't worked much in the last two centuries.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Cybill had an affair with Elvis. How cool, man? Years after their affair, Cybill revealed that Elvis went down on you. Is that true?

  [Cybill nods slowly, to cheers from the audience] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Yeah. All right. Hell, yeah. Well... you'd think a hound dog would have a better sense of smell. And speaking of moonlighting, Dom Irrera had to cancel two shifts at Macaroni Grill to be here.

  [laughter] 

  Jeffrey Ross : Dom Irrera is what you look like right before you say "Tomorrow, I'm starting a juice cleanse."

• Jeffrey Ross : Get a shot of that whole table. It's the beautiful circle of life, Bruce. Your family looks like all the villains you killed off in the "Die Hard" movies.