- Jack Morton: [awaking in front of strangers] Where am I? Why am I naked? Where are my clothes?
- Randall Carpio: Oh. They got ruined when you ripped out of them. You'll get used to it.
- Jack Morton: Used to what?
- Hamish Duke: We are a sacred brotherhood...
- Lilith Bathory: [correcting] A gender neutral collective.
- Hamish Duke: ...anointed to fight dark magic with the power...
- Randall Carpio: [interrupting, excited] Dude! We're werewolves!
- Hamish Duke: And now, so are you.
- Jack Morton: You play bingo with our excuses? Isn't that a little unethical?
- Eric Clarke: I have a PhD, you're a freshman, but, no, go ahead, school me on the ethics.
- Professor Robin Benson: Unethical would be me telling you that my next pop quiz is going to be on the manipulative themes in Macbath.
- Eric Clarke: Ooo.
- Jack Morton: [wondering] Is it?
- Professor Robin Benson: [alluringly] I don't know. Is it?
- Randall Carpio: Dude! You got into The Order? Why didn't you tell me?
- Jack Morton: Because it's a secret society.
- Randall Carpio: This is great! Now we can't kill you!
- Jack Morton: Why would you want to kill me?
- Randall Carpio: No, I'm saying I DON'T want to kill you.
- Peter Morton: Whatchu got on Coventry? Ritual murders? Infant cannibalism? Please say it's infant cannibalism.
- Jack Morton: Well, he drinks Mezcal neat, and he talks like he's launching a new smart phone.
- Peter Morton: What? That's it?
- Jack Morton: Pops, I am a nothing burger. Layers and layers of people above me. I killed a golem and all I got was an "attaboy."
- Peter Morton: They can time travel, can't they?
- Jack Morton: No, but they can change the way people remember things. You know those kids that died during the selection process?
- Peter Morton: What kids?
- Jack Morton: See?
- Peter Morton: Those sneaky bastards. Nothing should mess with my memory except old age and whiskey.
- Gabrielle: [explaining how she can pay for a drink with a drawing] So, Jonas keeps asking me out. I keep telling him no, because he's gross, then he starts trying to impress me, bragging about this glamorous spell he knows. Says it makes life super-easy. I ask him to show me. He wants me to carry out some gross temple fantasy first, so I say, "Show me the spell so I know it's legit." He shows me. I use it to make him think we already did it.
- Brandon: You fake-screwed your way into advanced magic?
- Gabrielle: Excuse me. I made sweet, fake love to him. Downside, now he thinks we're soulmates. Upside, fifteen minutes with a Sharpe, all my assignments are completed, and I never have to pay for a latte again. I win.
- Jack Morton: But, unsanctioned magic is against the rules. Aren't you worried about getting caught?
- Gabrielle: It's hard to be worried when you're this relaxed.
- Randall Carpio: [addressing Lilith's concerns about Jack] He's not a rogue wolf. If anything, he's an emotionally unavailable wolf.
- Lilith Bathory: [seeking the latest source of dark magic on campus and spotting Jack] It's him. Look at him. Yesterday he's thrift store chic and today he's Mr. Fancy Pants?
- Randall Carpio: Maybe he's... gotta do laundry.
- Hamish Duke: [discerningly] No, she's right. His pants are fairly fancy.
- Randall Carpio: [looking at Hamish and Lilith] What have we become?
- Randall Carpio: We're the Knights of Saint Christopher. We're supposed to be champions of all that is good and just. Defenders of the innocent. And look at us. We're letting a game of beer pong decide if Jack Morton lives or dies?
- Lilith Bathory: [after a brief pause] Fine... Best out of three?
- Randall Carpio: Deal.
- Gabrielle: This is pathetic. We're using magic to scam pizzas and flat-screens.
- Jack Morton: You're right. Maybe we should cool things off a little.
- Brandon: I like the sigils.
- Gabrielle: Cool things off? I think it's time to turn things up a notch. You know what I'm saying?
- Brandon: [Speaking at the same time] Threesome.
- Gabrielle: ...Bigger magic.
- Jack Morton: I like her idea better.