Why did I do this to myself? There was ample forewarning before I ever pressed "play," and I knew exactly what I was committing to. As it is I've seen too many other features of this nature. Yet here we are. Unsurprisingly, 'Elves' is poppycock. The only question is if writers Justin Price and Laura Beaumont and director Jamaal Burden intentionally made a film of utmost terrible schlock, or if they aimed higher and altogether lacked the resources or capabilities to achieve it. Is this purposeful pablum - a bone-dry parody, even - or utmost incidental misfire? I haven't seen any other movies involving anyone participating here, so I can make no judgment except on this picture's merits. All I can say is - for your own sake, don't watch this.
The assembled cast members have few if any other credits to their names, and those other titles certainly appear to be on the same level as 'Elves.' Are they all terrible actors? Given the near-absolute lack of nuance or heart in their inauthentic, disinterested, stilted performances, that's a distinct possibility. In the delivery of their lines, in their reactions, and in the most rudimentary movements in any instance, it's hard not to feel like they're not even trying. But in fairness, the material is so desperately thin that I think even award-winning world-class artists would struggle to make something of this. And Burden's direction is - well, a burden to behold. No subtlety, no mindfulness, no care, amateur camerawork and poorly considered shots - and at the same time that he seems to be feeding his cast lines and instructing them scene by scene, there's also a staggering disconnect between Burden and the actors, as though neither player nor director had any concern for what the other was trying to accomplish in any one moment.
There are microscopic fragments of ideas underlying the screenplay. Any attempt to expand upon these ideas, or provide explanations of them, is astoundingly weak, contrived, absolutely unclear and sometimes seemingly contradictory, shattering whatever suspension of disbelief we may have carried with us into this experience. Why, the mechanism of "the naughty list," the way that "the game" and "the elves" are supposed to operate in-universe, is never evident - not for lack of trying, but because the movie makes the core of its own plot wholly confused and incomprehensible. Characters are such hollow set pieces that they barely exist, and dialogue is rotten, repetitive, and generally carelessly penned. Scene writing is haphazard, artless, and flailing in its sloppiness - and, again, very repetitive. And the narrative is all this - and brazenly disjointed, increasingly fractured and muddled, and monumentally specious, beyond comparison to any other film that readily comes to mind. Those special effects that are employed are below the bottom of the barrel - I can't believe I'm saying this (for the second time in one month), but productions from The Asylum are far more believable and fastidious in their rendering than this.
Every element of the film's technical craft and rounding details are either abysmal themselves, or so dubiously overwhelmed by all the other tawdriness on hand that they become totally negligible. And when I speak to the putrescence that 'Elves' represents, I mean it wholeheartedly: the specks of story ideas from which the picture is built do not begin to outweigh the witheringly rancid waste of time it is otherwise, in every imaginable way. So many of these 80 minutes fail to make sense as they present to use, ensuring the entirety is a godawful mishmash of purely foolish gobbledygook.
There is no value here, and no reason whatsoever to watch it. If 'Elves' isn't the worst movie ever made, it's only because it's effectively tied, on par, with too much other cinematic sludge.
Avoid.
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