- Michael: Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth to remain impartial, but these days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making.
- Judge: Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow.
- Jason Mendoza: [to the Judge] I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville called Big Noodle.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. It was nice knowing you.
- Jason Mendoza: I used to yell at Big Noodle 'cause he always showed up late to rehearsal. Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded. I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house. Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents who all lived in the same bed, just like in "Willy Wonka". I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that 'cause I knew how hard it was for him to be there. And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy. Even if he wanted to, possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville. The point is, you can't judge humans 'cause you don't know what we go through.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: There's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious!
- Judge: It is! It is so good!
- Judge: [returning from her visit to earth] Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y'all. Woof! Also, I guess I'm black? And they do not like black ladies down there. Crap, y'all.
- Jason Mendoza: If I don't double-die in this IHOP and the Judge lady doesn't turn you into a marble, do you want to try... being boyfriend-girlfriend?
- Janet: I'm not a girl. But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere sometime - as opposed to here, which is nowhere at all the times.
- Shawn: I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the "Entourage" movie.
- Chidi Anagonye: [In shock] I... I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming... a single blade.
- Michael: Yeah yeah, the Time-Knife. We've all seen it.
- Chidi Anagonye: This house was built to torture you. Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Well, in the memories I watched, this was where we fell in love. So I figured, why mess with success?
- [pause]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I mean, blech, what am I saying? This house is stupid, and you're lame, and I hate you.
- Chidi Anagonye: [smiles] I love you, too.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I know we have to help these new people, but most of the time, we'll just get to live together like a normal couple. We can chill out, and just relax, and study philosophy...
- Chidi Anagonye: [at the same time] Have sex.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Horn dog.
- Chidi Anagonye: Nerd.
- Janet: Don't think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend. I made him, so he's more like my son. Although I did make him because I was jealous of you and Tahani, so he's kind of my rebound booty call.