Commando Ninja (2018)

Philippe Allier: Leeroy Hopkins

Quotes 

• [after Hopkins is stabbed in the back by the Red Ninja] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : [groaning]  Fuck! If I knew I was gonna die today, I would've gotten laid!

  John Hunter : Stop the bullshit, Hopkins! You're gonna make it! Hold on!

  Leeroy Hopkins : You know, there's something I never told you, John.

  [groaning] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : You know all that racist bullshit?

  [groaning] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : My old man... he died in a concentration camp.

  John Hunter : Shit, Hopkins. I didn't know that.

  Leeroy Hopkins : [laughing]  He fell from the guard tower!

  [they both laugh until Hopkins loses his breath] 

• [as John is chopping wood with his katana, Hopkins appears behind him] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : Do you know why Americans don't have hemorrhoids? Because all the assholes live in Canada!

  John Hunter : [drops katana]  Hopkins, you old sack of shit!

  [they arm wrestle in mid-air during a handshake. John notices Hawkins' cybernetic right hand] 

  John Hunter : Did they give you bionic balls too?

  Leeroy Hopkins : You know I already have balls of steel.

• [Hopkins shoots a ninja in the face] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : Greetings from Smith & Wesson.

• Leeroy Hopkins : Hey guys! I got a new one. You wanna hear it?

  Curtis Jackson (Snow White) : Shut up, Hopkins!

  Leeroy Hopkins : [chuckles]  What do you say to a black man in a uniform?

  [as the platoon wades through the swamp, a ninja with Predator vision watches over them] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : Excuse me, sir. I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a Coke, please. Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

  Curtis Jackson (Snow White) : You're a fuckin' hillbilly, Hopkins.

  Leeroy Hopkins : Say that again, Snow White?

  Curtis Jackson (Snow White) : [distorted by ninja's Predator vision]  You're just jealous of my big black dick, asshole!

• [John tests Hopkins' cybernetic arm with some arm wrestling, and loses] 

  John Hunter : Okay, let's not break your new toy.

  Leeroy Hopkins : It's good to see you again, John.

  John Hunter : Shit. You look like somebody's secretary.

  Leeroy Hopkins : It's an Air Force uniform. And you get all the pussy, dude. That's why I left the Army. Do you want me to hook you up?

  John Hunter : I'm good pussy-wise, man. And you can keep your desk job.

  [they walk to the front of the cabin] 

  John Hunter : Holy shit, Hopkins. For all those years, I thought you were rotting in a rice paddy. How did you survive that shit?

  Leeroy Hopkins : The usual routine. It all started when those fucking gooks unleashed raptors up my ass.

• [Hopkins, having lost his right arm, is chased by a Velociraptor. He falls down and struggles to keep the raptor away from him by kicking it and hitting it with his helmet] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : Fuck off, bastard!

  [Hopkins continues to struggle until Kowalsky guns down the raptor] 

  Oskar Kowalsky : Hey, Hopkins. You need a hand?

• Leeroy Hopkins : That was the last time I saw Kowalsky. He was a nice guy for a Pollock.

  John Hunter : Fucking mess. I wonder what became of Snow White.

  [pause, then John grabs Hopkins] 

  John Hunter : So, what brings you to the boondocks, Hopkins?

  Leeroy Hopkins : I've got good news and bad news, John.

  John Hunter : Good news first.

  Leeroy Hopkins : They murdered your ex-wife.

  John Hunter : Shit.

  [pause, then they both laugh] 

  John Hunter : No more alimony.

  [Hopkins suddenly stops laughing and takes off his sunglasses] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : And they took your kid.

  [pause, then John runs towards the front door] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : Don't mess, John. It's up to the police to handle it.

  John Hunter : Tell me everything you know, Hopkins! Spill it!

  Leeroy Hopkins : You're no longer in Vietnam, John. There are laws here. I can't say anything.

  [John grabs Hopkins] 

  John Hunter : You listen to me, you son of a bitch. You've never been able to put your dick in anything but Fat Mama-san. You don't know what it's like to have a kid!

  Leeroy Hopkins : That's fucking cold, John! There was that girl in high school.

  John Hunter : Where? When? How?

  Leeroy Hopkins : You have no clue about the shit storm you're about to walk into.

  John Hunter : Walking in is the easy part. It's walking out without your dick in a sling that's rough.

• [Hopkins notices the Star of David ring on Colonel Kinsky's finger as he takes the briefcase before Kinsky walks away] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : Hey! Do you know why your ancestors roamed the desert for 40 years? Because some asshole lost a coin!