- Beverly Goldberg: Whatever, I don't care what happens to me. I'm already living my worst nightmare.
- Freddy Krueger: Huh? I - I thought I was doing a - a pretty damn good job here.
- Beverly Goldberg: No, you're great with the knifey hands and the melting-candle face. It's just... Adam said he wished I wasn't his mother.
- Freddy Krueger: Oh, geez. That's an awful thing to say. Mm. I'm-a kill him.
- Beverly Goldberg: No. The more I think about it, I deserved what Adam said. I was terrible to Jackie's parents.
- Freddy Krueger: Parents. Who needs 'em? I never knew any of my fathers, and I turned out just fine.
- Beverly Goldberg: I don't see how that applies to me, but I couldn't stand the Gearys because the way they parented. But, then, they were able to help Adam, and I wasn't.
- Freddy Krueger: Eh, this is getting way too touchy-feely for this cowboy. *Bleep* it, time to die!
- Beverly Goldberg: No. Time to get my *bleep* son back.
- Freddy Krueger: Hey! I say the *bleep* around here, lady!
- Beverly Goldberg: Not anymore, Mr. Kroeger.
- Freddy Krueger: Krueger! It's Krueger!
- Beverly Goldberg: It's those damn Gearys again! They mixed in with our baby! The chutzpah!
- Murray Goldberg: Those stinkin' hippies! They don't follow the rules of society.
- Adam Goldberg: Really? You guys are that threatened by them just because they're better parents than you in every way?
- Beverly Goldberg: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat did you just say?
- Adam Goldberg: Not in *every* way! I meant most ways, some ways! One way?
- Beverly Goldberg: Those Gearys are gonna get a crash course in real parenting from the Goldbergs.
- Adam Goldberg: Look! They have hay rides! Hay makes everything better!
- Beverly Goldberg: Tell that to Rachel Hublitz's nephew who went on a hay ride and the open-air wagon turned over. They had to saw him out of the wreckage and they accidentally cut the poor boy in half. Now he's just a torso and has to ride a special medical skateboard to his job at the DMV.
- Beverly Goldberg: I lost my little baby. His name's Adam, goes by "Schmoo."
- Freddy Krueger: Schmoo's not here.
- [chuckles]
- Beverly Goldberg: I... take it you work here.
- Freddy Krueger: Try again.
- Beverly Goldberg: Yeah, I don't have time for games. I lost my son.
- Freddy Krueger: Oooh. Bad mommy lost her little brat.
- Beverly Goldberg: I'm sorry. Who do you think you are?
- Freddy Krueger: Your worst nightmare.
- Beverly Goldberg: Gotta hide.
- [runs into a closet]
- Beverly Goldberg: What the - my sweaters!
- Freddy Krueger: You got good taste, lady.
- Adam Goldberg: Okay, so, I narrowed it down to these 29 horror movies.
- Jackie Geary: I think all we need is one. "Nightmare on Elm Street."
- Adam Goldberg: Yeah, I'm not so sure. Something about Freddy Krueger creeps me out. It could be the face or the claws or the whole fall-asleep-and-you-die concept.
- Jackie Geary: Oh, don't worry. I'll protect you.
- Beverly Goldberg: No. That's my job! And you know my number one rule: No scary movies.
- Adam Goldberg: That's the thing, it's *not* scary. "Elm Street" is a very charming rom-com.
- Beverly Goldberg: "High school friends slaughtered in their sleep by the predatory monster of their shared nightmares"?
- Adam Goldberg: Gah! What's the worst that can happen?
- Beverly Goldberg: I don't know. Why don't you ask Joyce Dimarco's son Anthony. He didn't sleep for three years after watching "The Exorcist", so his body never grew. Well, now he's a 4'7" adult man who needs a special stool to use a sink!
- Vinny Geary: Jackie Renee Geary, get to the car!
- Murray Goldberg: I bet it's a Volkswagen love bus.
- Vinny Geary: It's a Saab, so suck it!