- Chief North Korean Agent: Our Dear Leader wants Trump doll.
- Angel Connell: You mean Kim Jong-Un?
- North Korean Agent #1, North Korean Agent #2: Kim Jong-Un!
- Chief North Korean Agent: [nods] Dennis Rodman was unavailable so the Dear Leader sent me.
- Angel Connell: Did he give you a check to cover the cost of having the doll?
- Chief North Korean Agent: No.
- Angel Connell: Then he ain't getting it.
- Chief North Korean Agent: Of course he will. With the doll in his hands, he'll have a power over your president that's far greater than nuclear ICBMs. And my head will remain securely attached to my neck once I hand the doll over to our Dear Leader - Kim Jong-Un!
- North Korean Agent #1, North Korean Agent #2: Kim Jong-Un!
- Angel Connell: Everybody else is playing fair and square during this crowdfunding campaign. The rules apply to your boss too. Give him THAT message.
- Chief North Korean Agent: [pulls out a knife] I'll give YOU a message...
- Chief Iranian Agent: We are the Quds Force of Iran's Revolutionary Guards. Our Supreme Leader demands you give us the doll that resembles the orange-faced infidel who is your president.
- Angel Connell: You mean President Trump.
- Chief Iranian Agent: Speak not his name in my presence!
- Iranian Agent #1, Iranian Agent #2: [blocking their ears] Allahu Akbar! Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!
- Chief Iranian Agent: [to the other agents] Silence!
- Angel Connell: Why does the Ayatollah want it?
- Chief Iranian Agent: With the doll in the Supreme Leader's possession, your president will be a helpless plaything who will be unable to prevent us from spreading jihad across the globe!
- Iranian Agent #1, Iranian Agent #2: Allahu Akbar!
- Chief Iranian Agent: Surrender the doll to me, infidel.
- Angel Connell: Only after a pallet of cash from the Ayatollah is flown into Logan Airport in an unmarked cargo plane and delivered to me by courier.
- Chief Iranian Agent: [pulls out a knife] Die, infidel!
- Angel Connell: Who are you?
- Head Clinton Fanatic: The Resistance. Thanks to the discreet generosity of the Clinton Foundation, we intend to lobby Hillary to run against Trump in 2020 and take back what rightfully belongs to her - the presidency!
- Clinton Fanatic #1, Clinton Fanatic #2: We're with her!
- Angel Connell: You want the Trump doll because...
- Head Clinton Fanatic: Because only the power of the doll can give Hillary the edge she needs in 2020. This time no more Bernie Sanders! No more James Comey! And for once - no more Bill! Bwahahaha!
- Clinton Fanatic #1, Clinton Fanatic #2: We're with her!
- Angel Connell: By "no more", do you mean...
- Head Clinton Fanatic: A fatal accident, a suicide, an unexplained death. Whatever it takes for Hillary to break the patriarchy's ultimate glass ceiling! Bwahahahahahaha!
- Clinton Fanatic #1, Clinton Fanatic #2: We're with her!
- Angel Connell: So will I be if she pays for it.
- Head Clinton Fanatic: She's entitled to it!
- [to the other fanatics]
- Head Clinton Fanatic: Rip apart this deplorable - MAN!
- Angel Connell: You must be Trump people.
- Deep State Leader: Maybe. Maybe not. Nothing is known or unknown to the Deep State.
- Angel Connell: So why are you here?
- Deep State Leader: It's rumored you have a Donald Trump fetish doll.
- Angel Connell: You're the Deep State. You tell me.
- Deep State Leader: The powers associated with such a doll would make us invincible to the current occupant in the Oval Office. And once he's brought down, no future Oval Office occupant will ever threaten us again. How much?
- Angel Connell: The price is on my crowdfunding website, dude. And I think it might already be spoken for. For an all-knowing dude, you're a little late.
- Deep State Leader: It's never too late to turn you into a non-person and make you vanish from the historical record.
- Angel Connell: Yeah? Go ahead. Make my day.
- Angel Connell: This is my Donald Trump fetish doll. Word got out that this doll was the top perk to get in my upcoming crowdfunding campaign to finance my 15 minute horror movie titled "Evening of the Evil Eye". That's how the problem started.
- Angel Connell: Ever since I made the announcement to crowdfund my movie, a variety of malevolent forces are out to steal this doll from me in the mistaken belief that it somehow contains magical mystical powers. Now if they ponied up the money for either this or any other perk listed on this page, I'd have no problem with them receiving said perks as long as they helped me raise the money I need to finance my movie that stars this doll. But they don't want to do that so I've got to keep the doll hidden until someone out there makes a legitimate claim for the doll after helping me raise the money for my movie.
- Chief Russian Agent: Trump doll no ordinary fetish doll. Trump doll more powerful than Obama and Clinton reset button. More powerful than Steele dossier. More powerful than prostitutes peeing on hotel bed inside Mother Russia!
- Angel Connell: I want to thank all my hidden fans in this room who have protected me from the various thugs trying to steal my Donald Trump fetish doll.