Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)
Sicko (2019)
Andy Samberg: Jake Peralta
Photos
Quotes
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Jake Peralta : So, Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking you could help us get inside his head.
Caleb John Gosche : Just because I ate humans doesn't mean I'm INhuman, Jake.
Jake Peralta : Caleb, c'mon that's not what I meant.
Caleb John Gosche : Just kidding, I'm probably friends with the guy online.
[laughs]
Caleb John Gosche : What's his deal?
Jake Peralta : Well he's been murdering young men and cutting out their hearts.
Caleb John Gosche : Ew.
[Jake and Charles make surprised faces]
Caleb John Gosche : What, I would never eat a heart. I stick to the normal stuff, butts and thighs. One time I ate a foot but it was nasty.
Jake Peralta : I can see that.
Caleb John Gosche : You know what, there was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles Boyle : Forum?
Caleb John Gosche : Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it, wink. Yeah, it's hosted on...
Jake Peralta , Charles Boyle : Reddit.
Caleb John Gosche : Obviously.
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Dr. Oliver Cox : Okay, so whoever did this, they weren't careful with the organs. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.
Charles Boyle : Title of your sex tape. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.
Dr. Oliver Cox : Interesting, 'cause around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis.
Charles Boyle : Oh, I'll have to pick some of that up.
Jake Peralta : Why?
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Rosa Diaz : Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.
Jake Peralta : Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll... move his podium a foot to the left.
Amy Santiago : What? He'll be so angry.
Jake Peralta : Okay, five inches.
Amy Santiago : Five?
Jake Peralta : Three?
Amy Santiago : Three!
Jake Peralta : One?
Amy Santiago : One?
Jake Peralta : All right. I'll move it a half inch.
Amy Santiago : Fine. It's your funeral.
Jake Peralta : Oh my god. Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain Ray Holt : Good morning.
[He puts his papers on the podium but stops for a second, realizing something is off]
Captain Ray Holt : You guys... the podium, it's... Ha.
[chuckles]
Captain Ray Holt : [laughter intensifies]
[riotous laughter]
Captain Ray Holt : [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?
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Jake Peralta : Look, we can handle this, sir. Do we joke around sometimes? Yes, but when it's time to buckle down, we're seasoned professionals.
Charles Boyle : That's why they call us the Spice Boys.
Jake Peralta : They don't and they won't.
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Caleb John Gosche : Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.
Captain Ray Holt : Why do you say that?
Caleb John Gosche : With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.
Jake Peralta : See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.
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Scully : Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake Peralta : Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Scully : I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake Peralta : Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Scully : That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.
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Jake Peralta : Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere for. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.
Captain Ray Holt : Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness, and eating the saddest food known to mankind. Ice cream.
Charles Boyle : Oh, my god, he's Bridget Jones-ing.
Jake Peralta : Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.
Captain Ray Holt : Dry beans?
Jake Peralta : Sure.
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Charles Boyle : Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.
Jake Peralta : And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.
Charles Boyle : Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn.
Jake Peralta : Nope.
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Captain Ray Holt : Show me the tip.
Jake Peralta : [mumbling] Title of your sex tape.