Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #16.31 (2018)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: let's hit pause on this growing consensus among Democrats that we can only beat Trump in 2020 by running a celebrity of our own. How did we go in two years from "Wow, it could be a celebrity" to "It can only be a celebrity"? When I ask my Democratic friends about the plan for 2020, they say two things: "What's a plan?"

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And "We need a star." That's it; the blueprint for saving us from fascism is rub a lamp and hope Tom Hanks pops out.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Or Oprah. But... if...

  [applause and whoops] 

  Himself - Host : If... okay. If... if Oprah is president, who will tell cat ladies what to read?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : The Rock says he hasn't ruled out running in 2020, but if the Rock is president, who's gonna star in every movie ever made?

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Especially movies with the premise "That movie, except with the Rock."

  [as he talks, the respective movie posters for "Skyscraper", "Rampage", "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle", "Baywatch", "Walking Tall", and "San Andreas" are shown] 

  Himself - Host : Like "Towering Inferno" with the Rock; "King Kong" with the Rock; "Jumanji" with the Rock; "Baywatch" with the Rock; "Walking Tall" with the Rock; "Earthquake" with... how about the Rock?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : If he did run, his hat would say "Remake America Great Again."

• Himself - Host : Many Democrats feel they've found star quality in Michael Avenetti. He's like if the hot felon had a law degree.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And it's great the way he makes Trump so mad, he can't pronounce his name right.

  [a clip of Trump is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Aviante? Are you always thinking about pasta?

• Himself - Host : Look, I understand the temptation to pick a celebrity; after all, Trump started with a big advantage because he was a household name, like Spam or Preparation H.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And in today's political atmosphere, where substance makes you an elitist and experience means you're part of the swamp, it's like the whole country just went "Fuck it. The government can't do anything; which candidate will give us the most laughs?". And it wasn't even close.

  [a clip of Trump boarding Air Force One is shown, to laughter, cheers, and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Donald Trump has no friends. No one will tell him when he has fucking toilet paper on his shoe. I mean, look at him. He will do anything for a laugh.

  [a clip of Trump at a rally is shown] 

  Himself - Host : But when the prime directive for government goes from "keep us safe" to "keep us entertained", that's bread and circuses, end-of-the-empire stuff. There are people who are actually excited about Kanye West in politics. These people are called idiots.

  [laughter, cheers, and applause] 

  Himself - Host : He's... he's eccentric, they say. No, he's standing in the punch bowl fucking the ice sculpture.

• Himself - Host : The Democrats' message in 2020 should be "Let's get back to normal." And...

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : And "President Ariana Grande" does not send that message. Of course celebrities in politics isn't new, but it was always something mostly Republicans did; Reagan, Schwarzenegger, Sonny Bono, game show host Donald Trump. The party that endlessly proclaims its disdain for Hollywood will literally run any celebrity who's a conservative. And it wasn't that long ago they were using the word "celebrity" as a burn.

  [a clip of an ad attacking Obama is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Turns out he was ready to lead.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Because he wasn't black Paris Hilton. He was a politician; government was his skill, his life, his calling. Like the Kennedys before him, and FDR, he *was* a star. But a star because of what he accomplished in office. Yes, Obama enjoyed his TV time, but he did it to sell policy, not to do "robot voice." Trump doesn't need to do Fallon, because he is Fallon! Republicans elect a celebrity who becomes a politician. Democrats, at their best, elect a politician who's so good at public service, they become a celebrity.