My Adult Life Begins
- Episode aired Dec 26, 2018
Kevin talks about his time at Fry's Electronics, his shotgun marriage to Angela as she prepares for army basic training, the news of his first child, and his time at Family Dollar and Sam's ... Read allKevin talks about his time at Fry's Electronics, his shotgun marriage to Angela as she prepares for army basic training, the news of his first child, and his time at Family Dollar and Sam's Club.Kevin talks about his time at Fry's Electronics, his shotgun marriage to Angela as she prepares for army basic training, the news of his first child, and his time at Family Dollar and Sam's Club.
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Kevin from the Other Dimension: Shortly afterwards, I got myself a cashier job at Fry's Electronics, and life was good again. For whatever bullshit Office Space shenanigans that Fry's had to offer, they paid on a commission, and the checks were great. I'd work my job, then hightail it home for quick sex during my lunch breaks, then go straight back to work. They had the place set up like a casino, with the safe sitting in the middle of the cash register island, where we would count down our tills every night. Getting paid on an item check commission made counting down every night all the more sweeter as we had a contest to see who would walk away with the most sales that night. When I would play valet to the line, I would ward off my boredom by giving the customers a warm Gene Wilder welcome dancing backwards down the line singing: "Right this way! Right this way! Right this way - to Saturday!" My future mother in-law got a job there years later and told me they had a bunch of funny off limits rules given to them during their two weeks training. Ironically, all of them feel like they were based on my employment there. She also promptly lost her job when she fell down a flight of stairs, broke her leg, and didn't call in every day that she was gone.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: There was this creepy guy named Larry that made perverted comments about the female customers. I was working a register one day, and the creep leaned into my ear and whispered "Oh yeah, look at those tits, I want to suck them." He was later fired for snapping a female manager's G-string when she was kneeling down to pick something up. Oh, and there was this other black dude who came down with a case of Elephantitus... which is basically a swelling of the testicles. He came to work, amazing bulge and all, until finally he had to go into the hospital for surgery. They made fun of this medical issue on an episode of South Park where Randy Marsh microwaves himself in hopes that he'll get enlarged testicular cancer so he could apply for a medical marijuana card. One time, I was driving my friend Brandon Lewis to his job, and this old lady turned into our lane while we were in it, forcing us into oncoming traffic. She gave us an evil stare unaware that she was the one responsible. Brandon actually suffered the horrific ordeal of watching his first paycheck fly out of the window of my car. Needless to say, he didn't work there much longer. We had a worker named Wendell, who was actually a rich retired company man who just couldn't stand retirement for too long. He didn't need to work, he chose to work this aggravating job because he preferred it to relaxing at home without a purpose. Wendell described Fry's Electronics as an expensive flashy looking flea market. Everything that you see on the shelves, has actually been sitting in a warehouse for years, which is why you're getting such a good deal on it. It's also why you should never buy an expensive piece of equipment from them without shelling out for the warranty. My supervisor, James Hanson, still works at that location to this day. He's gotten huskier with age.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: So then, one year later, my girlfriend decided she wanted to get serious about her career, and she was prepared to leave me to achieve it. Angela joined up with the Army. Her request for staying in a relationship with me was that we get married so I could join her on base after she completed her training. We got married a little too early in the relationship. On the night before the wedding, I got into an argument with her and suffered a nervous breakdown. If you look at our wedding photo, it looks like one of those "Game Over" T-Shirts where the bride is smiling and the groom is frowning. It was exactly like the joke Will Ferrell made in Old School, where he felt like everything was supposed to change when he got married, but he couldn't turn off looking at other women. Once I married Angela, I was deeply afraid that I was now stuck in a relationship that I wasn't ready for, nor was I ready to leave.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: And then it happened. September 11th. The World Trade Center fell. As the wise old saying goes, be careful what you wish for. Angela joined the Army for the wrong reasons. She saw it as free college, thinking she would never see real action. She was wrong. Angela left for her training, leaving me in a state of depression that ultimately affected my work relations and ability to do my job. I just couldn't do it anymore. The GM called me into his office and told me that I had to fix my home life or it was going to eat me alive and effect my job. So I quit. Without two weeks notice. I offered, but the manager working that day said it wasn't necessary, that my mental health was more important.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: I spent the following weeks sleeping on Mark Soto's house as he had moved to a duplex at Lamplight village. John got himself a husky named Sabrina, which destroyed the place. They had to rip out the carpet, and the dog destroyed the garage door. There was a point where I was helping Mark with his night job delivering newspapers for the Austin American Statesman. That went to shit after Mark quit because I kept getting complaints that I was missing houses. I sent Angela a love letter everyday that she was in basic training. And then something terrible happened. Terrible for her career anyways. She broke her leg in basic training and was sent home on leave to heal. When I met her at the airport, she had a different aura around her. She had completely changed. But I had her again, for a while, and we moved my bed into my brother-in-law's duplex. We had our own room. We got a little too friendly to see each other again one night. We didn't take precautions because we were married. She went back to basic training only to receive the surprise of her life. It was unintentional, I assure you. I guess being cut off from sex for so long made her fertile.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: The night I found out the news, my cousin's wife had invited me to a movie premiere at the Paramount Theater, called A Promise Kept, also known as The Gunman. She had a stunt double role in the movie as a masked killer, who later turned out to be Mimi Rogers... I think. I couldn't watch the movie. Not because it was god awful, but because that morning, I had received a phone call from Angela in tears as she had just been told she was pregnant. The choice was abort the child, or leave the army. She chose our child, and came home. My cousin saw me pacing in the lobby of the Paramount, and when I broke him the news, his response was "Congratulations. Your shit works." I remember Joey Lauren Adams doing an interview about that movie. She signed on believing it was a real movie, and after realizing she had been suckered, couldn't back out because of the contract. She hates that film as much as I did.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: I then found my next job, across the street from Target, in a mini-mall that was constructing a new Family Dollar. John tipped me off. We were all hired to unload the truck, set up the shelves, build the store, and five of us were allowed to stay behind to work permanent jobs. I finally had some money coming in again for an easy nothing job that any monkey could perform. So I did the adult thing, I moved us out of my parents home, and we got an apartment at the Trails of Walnut Creek. My wife worked HEB, and took up a second job operating a camera at K-EYE 42 off of Metric Blvd. I was allowed to operate a camera for one broadcast, but my hands were too shaky.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: That apartment that we lived in was not in the best of conditions. If you stepped in the wrong spot, there was a hole in the floor. I think Mike Judge may have shot Office Space at that apartment complex back when it featured a different name and you can see my apartment as the Ron Livingston drives in. The joke featured in the movie about the characters talking through the walls is not a joke. Every night, we could hear our junkie neighbors beating the living shit out of each other and having throwdowns on the floor like it was Monday Night Wrestling. At one point, the bastards tried to climb down on our balcony to break in. Finally, one night, we had enough, and called the cops. The police entered my apartment to check the layout, and if they had just taken a few more steps into my bedroom, they would have found my setup with dozens of sets of blank dvds and all the backups I had made off of Netflix rentals.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: The police then broke the upstairs door down. But they arrived too late. The abusive boyfriend had already left, the girl he beat up panicked because she was under the influence of drugs. The police arrested the female abuse victim, and the abuser, who was stopped by a patrol car down the road, was let free. And if you think that story is bad, I once had a psychotic street preacher walk right into my living room because I left the front door unlocked, and the guy tried to give me a fire and brimstone sermon. I used to have this huge projection screen television. I figured out that I could remove the screen, put a board in on top of the project, and lay in it, hiding behind the screen reading a book. I used that gag to prank several people who visited my apartment. Once again, I decided the film bug was biting, and I broke open some stock money to buy the same model video camera that Spike Lee used for the filming of Bamboozled. Unfortunately, a camera doesn't matter if you have no subject to film. Once again, I was all talk and no story, with no actors to film.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: The police then broke the upstairs door down. But they arrived too late. The abusive boyfriend had already left, the girl he beat up panicked because she was under the influence of drugs. The police arrested the female abuse victim, and the abuser, who was stopped by a patrol car down the road, was let free. And if you think that story is bad, I once had a psychotic street preacher walk right into my living room because I left the front door unlocked, and the guy tried to give me a fire and brimstone sermon. I used to have this huge projection screen television. I figured out that I could remove the screen, put a board in on top of the project, and lay in it, hiding behind the screen reading a book. I used that gag to prank several people who visited my apartment. Once again, I decided the film bug was biting, and I broke open some stock money to buy the same model video camera that Spike Lee used for the filming of Bamboozled. Unfortunately, a camera doesn't matter if you have no subject to film. Once again, I was all talk and no story, with no actors to film.