The Year of Unbridled Failure
- Episode aired Dec 26, 2018
Kevin talks about his first long stretch of unemployment, saving his brother-in-law from a prison sentence, his time as director Josh Becker's webmaster, and the Netflix scam he ran called T... Read allKevin talks about his first long stretch of unemployment, saving his brother-in-law from a prison sentence, his time as director Josh Becker's webmaster, and the Netflix scam he ran called The History of Cinema Project.Kevin talks about his first long stretch of unemployment, saving his brother-in-law from a prison sentence, his time as director Josh Becker's webmaster, and the Netflix scam he ran called The History of Cinema Project.
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Kevin from the Other Dimension: Quitting Sam's Club in the manner that I did ended up being one of the biggest mistakes in my life at that point, and resulted in my first one year stretch of unemployment, during which, I had to help support our finances by donating plasma twice a week. I must've saved at least 100 lives over the course of that year. Don't thank me. Thank the Goddess of Poverty. One night, my wife fell asleep and didn't pick me up at the center after dropping me off. I had to walk home late at night, for several miles, in a weakened state from the plasma donation, and I was being stalked by these drunken teenagers in a car. It was absolutely frightening, like a horror movie. I was so freaked out and upset when I got home, that my revenge on Angela was I filled a bucket with water and "woke her up". That was not my finest hour as a husband, but she didn't deserve to get away with what she had done to me. Those drunken teenagers that were stalking me could have killed me because she left me stranded out there, and the thought of her just shrugging off my dilemma was too much for me to take.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: I had a short stint at a Sony Clean Room lab, where I didn't make it past the training mode. They said I had too short an attention span, and somebody claimed I was "counting holes in the floor" because of a joke I made during training. I mean, really? Why the hell would anybody do that when they're learning on the job? For a moment there, they made me feel like I almost had a respectable future. Silly me.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Oh, and let's not forget my run with my cousin's power washing job. Get this, my cousin used to be an infamous graffiti artist. He somehow managed to tag an abandoned building to such an extent that it made the papers. He kept the newspaper article in a picture frame. Eventually the police harassed his friends, and he decided to retire in the most ironic fashion... by opening up a power-washing company that catered specifically to the rich mansions up in the hills off of Capital of Texas Highway. I would walk up and down the neighborhoods passing out flyers, and occasionally, we'd get invited into someone's house to clean the windows. That's the closest I'll ever come to the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous experience.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: I remember, he would take me out for pizza, and give me speeches about how graffiti was good for the economy because it creates jobs when the building owners have to pay someone to clean it off their walls. He also told me his secret to aggravating people. When somebody irks him, he doesn't lash out at them, he pushed their buttons until they angrily call him out. Then he plays innocent, saying things like "Why are you screaming at me?" in front of the witnesses to make the other person look like the villain. He tried that on us at a Thanksgiving Dinner one time. He chewed out my mother, then the minute he got out the door, he started yelling shit so that the neighbors would think it was him that was being attacked. My mother had no clue why he was doing it, but I remembered.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Unfortunately, his power washing job was not the kind of job where proper records were kept for hours worked. He simply paid me whatever the hell he felt like and could not offer me steady work. And I simply wasn't very good as a window washer. He had to refund a few people because of my slow learning abilities and I accidentally broke a screen taking it off the window. Eventually the strain of walking up and down the hills to pass out flyers got to me and we were forced to part ways. But his company is still running to this day, so he must be doing something right.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: After that, my wife simply wasn't content with her cashier job anymore. She wanted to go to college. And she wanted me to find a way to finance it. So I sold that expensive camera, that was never really used, and just sat in my apartment like a prop. And I got a good chunk of change for it. And guess who f**ked that all up. My asshole brother-in-law, John Soto. You know how we all have that one friend, who is a complete asshole, but you continue to hang out with him because he's a funny asshole. Well, stupid me, I married his sister and made him family. Once I started hanging out with Angela 24/7, he stopped being the funny asshole, and just became a f**king jerk. He insulted all of us like we were nothing, claiming that he was the one being ignored and mistreated because he was the middle child in the family. Well, John, you got your way, you moved out to live with your criminal cousins in another city. But did they put up with your shit? No they did not.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: John committed the worst crime a family member could commit. His father and his ex-convict cousins took him in and gave him a free place to live, so how did he repay them? He got drunk one night and made fun of them for being raped in prison, in front of the whole family. Guess how they got their revenge? John worked a security job, and offered to get his work partner some personal use bag of weed. His cousins had different plans. They stuffed thirty five pounds of marijuana into the trunk of his car, and broke his tail light, without telling him. John was pulled over by a traffic cop, who must've believed he had just made the bust of his life. But the joke was on both of them. Apparently, the reason they did this to John, was to create a diversion from a bigger deal they had going on down the road. John was their fall guy.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: While John was going through the court process, he found out just how different a Texas Jail was from the ones you see in the movies. There was no comfy living, they tossed six guys into one cell without an equal number of beds, meaning someone had to sleep on the floor. When he got there, the guard intentionally shoved him so that he fell flat on his face. And whenever a fight broke out, for any reason, both prisoners were automatically given more time regardless of who's fault it was, or even if one of them refused to fight back. And if you came forward as a witness to one of those fights, they punished you for creating more work for them. John made friends with his cell mates quick, but got the shock of his life when they went to court together and he found out his cellmate was a pedophile being charged with the rape of an underaged girl. That night, he witnessed his cellmates beating the prisoner within an inch of his life.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: So where was I in all this? Well, all that startup college money I gave to Angela from the sale of the camera, she blew it all on John because she felt sorry for him. He made a mistake and shouldn't have to pay his whole life for it. Well, the lawyer she found for him in Houston got him off with probation because it was obvious he was tricked into the scheme by his cousins. We wanted to turn them in, and John was even offered the possibility to wear a wire. But the lawyer strongly advised us not to go through with it as we all might suffer retaliation from the family. John had one last adventure on his way out. Apparently, there's this game they play in prison. Whenever somebody is about to be released, the guards warn him not to tell anybody. Because the prisoners that are serving life will start a fight with you for no reason just to ruin your chance of getting out. They questioned John about the papers he was carrying, he lied to them, crumbled it up, and threw it in the trash to hide it. And by some miracle, he was released in the middle of the night without incident.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: John was very lucky to have loving family members to look out for him. But he did not go unpunished. The terms of his probation were extremely harsh, to such an extent, that he was forced to move back in with the same people that got him thrown in prison in the first place. And they tortured him by making him sleep in the dog house in the backyard. John was so desperate to escape, that he desperately hooked up with whatever woman would take him, which ended up being Misty, who already had children from other fathers and was collecting child support. I guess they were right for each other, because they were both terrible people. Misty threatened to kill my wife if she ever visited.