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Jane White Is Sick & Twisted (2002)
Apallingly bad ***Spoilers***
OK, first, I got it. OK? It's not one of those deals where the reviewer just didn't get it. I got the gags. I caught the little things like screech in drag, and Larry from Three's Company wishing Suzanne Somers a speedy recovery. I know what they were going for. I followed the movie. It just plain sucks. I'm sorry, there's not a nice way to put it. It sucks.
It's not that it "wasn't my thing". It wasn't a thing at all. It was nothing. Up until now, the worst movie I'd ever seen was Superman IV. This movie makes Superman IV look like "The Godfather".
I wasted 86 minutes of my life on this. I could have been cleaning under my toenails, or counting backward from 1000, or any of a million other things that would have been less painful and more productive. If you rated this movie higher than a 2, seek help immediately. If you see it in the video store, RUN!
(I give it a 2 because nothing with Colin Mochire can be all bad.)
House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
Insipid
Bad movie with the occasinal interesting scene. Rob Zombie would be wise to stick to scary rock music (which he does well). He's not quite so adept at scary movies. Camera angles are all over the place, and while it is an attempt to be artistic, it fails. This is a movie made by a talented musician. In the same vien, you could watch hockey played by a talented scientist.
If you want to see something decent in this genre, pick something by George Romero, or choose one of the Evil Dead flicks.
Gory, mindless schlock that is still more riveting than "Superman IV" and "Jane White is Sick and Twisted". 3/10
Band of Brothers (2001)
Staggering...
I never thought TV could be this good. A group of mostly unknown actors anchor what is easily the finest miniseries ever put to the screen. This is FAR superior to even most war films that have been made before. Most important, it gives us just a glimpse of the true horror that these men went through to rid Europe (and the rest of the world) of Hitler, and end the second world war. It's a shame it has taken us 50+ years, but maybe now we understand. Perhaps the best complement that can be bestowed on the series was mentioned by an actual member of Easy company when he viewed the screening at the premier in Normandy. He said "That's not Hollywood, that's real."
Kudos to Spielberg, Hanks, and everyone else associated with this masterpiece. 10/10
The Real Cancun (2003)
Rubbish
This movie makes "Jackass: The Movie" look like "Casablanca". There's nothing anyone wants to see in this film. Nothing. There's not even enough gratuitous nudity to satisfy the 14 year old boys that will undoubtedly rent it to see boobies. Giving it 2 stars because the geek kid made me laugh. 2/10
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
Fun!
I was a little confused at first. What was this I was seeing on the screen? Could it be... why.. yes, I think it is... YES, Actual Creativity on a cinema screen. How did the Hollywood execs ever allow this to happen? Especially during the "Summer of Sequels"? Actual new ideas, creative plot, unpredictability, and NOT FULL OF OVERBLOWN SPECIAL EFFECTS just because they are available.
Johnny Depp was fantastic, and this is from a guy who never liked his acting (until last night anyway). Orlando Bloom was servicable, Geoffry Rush was great as usual. The writing and direction was top-notch.
I still can't believe it, someone at Disney had an original idea. What could be next? Can Fox be far behind? 9/10
The Ring (2002)
A fine move, plenty scary, but...
*** Spoilers ***
This was a good movie, it was very suspenseful, and scary, but the whole story doesn't tie together very well. They never explained, or even hinted how the video tape can kill people, who is calling on the phone (Don't they have caller ID?) and plenty of other little tidbits are left unfinished. This does not ruin the movie, it's still fun to watch, but it does keep it from being a REALLY good movie. There's lots of fun to be had watching it, take the spotty story with a grain of salt, and it's fine. 7/10
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
Kevin Smith sends up Hollywood!
"I hate how fake Hollywood is!"
This line sums up this movie better than any other I could think of. This is a fine collection of inside jokes meant to be funny to hollywood insiders, not so much to the general public. In this I think it was wildly successful. More cameo appearances and big name actors than in any movie since Mars Attacks, and they all seem to have had a blast making the movie.
Definitely worth a gander if only for the fantastic self-deprecating humor displayed by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, as well as Gus Van Sant. Will Ferrell is priceless here as well...
One of the better comedies of the last 10 years. 8/10
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Worst movie ever...
What can I say about this total piece of trash? I have no idea how it has garnered 3.3 stars. This movie was meant to be serious, and to deliver a serious message. It was not inteneded to be campy. That's why it's so bad. The acting is bad, the writing is childish, the dialog is painful, the special effects aren't so special, even the techno babble is ridiculous. I've stepped in deeper puddles. I consider myself less of a person for having seen this movie. I cannot imagine what a fine actor like Gene Hackman must have been thinking when he associated himself with this rubbish.
Save yoruself 2 hours, go for a walk, play with your kids, plant a tree, or read a book. You'll be better off. -7/10
Jackass: The Movie (2002)
The lowest common denominator continues to plummet...
*** Major Spoilers ***
Well, where to begin with this cinematic gem? I had wondered what all I'd see in this movie. There's really nothing that tells one what to expect, it just tells one that it's gross, funny, stupid, etc.
All of those are correct to a degree, but in the interest of making the public better prepared for the experience, here's what you can expect to see: Penises, Testicles, buttocks, human feces, a son physically assaulting his father, a man who sodomized himself with a toy car, men tying lit bottle rockets to their penises, public defecation, men consuming their own bodily fluids, men tricking whale sharks into giving them oral sex (or trying), men electrically shocking their own genitals, men slicing open the skin between their toes, and loads of other things that are a bit more disturbing.
If this sounds like your kind of entertainment, I pity you, but you'll love the movie. I must admit however, that there were parts that were really funny. Overall, finally a movie that may not be too high brow for the average moviegoer. 4/10
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Tries REALLY Hard (Spoilers)
This movie tries SOOO hard to live up to the original. The Wachowski brothers must have spent long hours coming up with fight scenes, digital effects, and interesting story twists. Unfortunately, they didn't put so much time into the script.
The film is dazzling to the eye. At any given time, there's so much goung on, it's impossible to comprehend everything that you are seeing. The detail is amazing. The fight scenes are coreographed magnificently, and there is enough adrenaline for three movies. However, this is accompanied by some of the most painful dialog in recent memory. The dialog makes Attack of the Clones look like Pulp Fiction.
There's also a certain matter-of-factness to the movie that just doesn't fit. Neo's thought process seems to be "Ok, now it's time to fight the Asian guy... Now I will fight the evil agent, hold on, I can fly, now I'll fight the french guy's bodyguards, wait, let's fly again, Now I'll rescue Morpheus... etc." There's no flow, just a bunch of disconnected scenes.
I've heard people who didn't like the acting. I don't think that's fair. With this script, there's really no time for acting, that would get in the way of the action. The only times the movie slows down, it is time for the characters to all try to sound wise. All the mamby-pamby babbling about fate really will get on your nerves. There are a few interesting twists near the end, but it's a long way to get there.
The Wachowskis also tried very hard to get the R rating. There's nothing inherently R in the story, so they threw in a few boobs and a few curses to get the R they wanted. If your 14 year old can handle seeing a flash of bare breasts and hearing curses (they probably do in school every day anyhow), there's no reason to shield them from the movie.
The first Matrix was fresh, clean, smart, and inventive. The new one is none of these, it's just eye candy. Turn your brain off and open your eyes for two hours, and you'll have a great time. Don't expect anything intelligent, however. 6.5/10
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Not great, but not bad.
This movie was Ok. It wasn't wonderful. I don't think anyone affiliated with this movie will be getting any calls when Oscar time comes around. However, it wasn't bad. People here tend to fall into one of two categories. There's the "This is the best thing ever" category, and the "This is an utter piece of crap" category. Sorry, but this one falls in the middle.
Patrick Stewart delivers a strong performance, as does Brent Spiner and Tom Hardy (the new bad guy). The battle scenes are very well done, and there is a certain tension to the movie as it moves along. On the other hand, the story is somewhat weak, and the supporting story lines fall apart. Most of the cast is window dressing. Somebody PLEASE give Worf something to do!
A fun night out, but would've been better if I'd saved the money and seen a Matinee instead. (6/10)
Joe Versus the Volcano (1990)
An Overlooked gem... (or: most people just don't get it.)
Stylistically wonderful. The lighting and Decor in the office at the beginning was enough to make ME crazy, just from watching on TV. This movie shows the best of the chemistry between Hanks and Ryan. It's cinematography is fantastic, and there are many memorable scenes.
Many of the scenes are tounge in cheek. This plus the intentionally overdone lighting effects add a surreality to the movie. However, the overall story comes across as refreshingly genuine. It is easy to sympathize with the characters.
One of the best of the "Romantic Comedies" 8/10
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
Worthy of being called a Star Wars movie
This was a drastic improvement over "The Phantom Meanace". This movie is definitely worthy of its namesake. In fact, it even made "Phantom Meanace" more tolerable (although perhaps still no more watchable), because it explained why we needed some of the seemingly meaningless information (and characters) from that film. It was very interesting to see some of the story lines begin to be tied together.
The acting and dialog is not bad. Especially not as bad as some people here are saying. The dialog was simple, so as not to lose the younger viewers, but not bad. Let's remember, "I wanted to go into Tashi station to pick up some power converters" isn't exactly scintillating dialog either. But it serves its purpose. There are some awkward moments, but if you can forgive them, you'll have a blast.
The basic fact here is that this is a good story, and all the bad reviews in the world can't spoil it. This was the case when "A New Hope" was originally released in 1977, just as it is now. The story is supported by stunning visuals, fun characters, spectacular sound, and some enjoyable campy moments. It won't win any Best Actor or Best Picture awards, but I have to think it's a box-office threat to even "Titanic".
Go see it, you'll have a great time. (9/10)
Black Hawk Down (2001)
Yeesh, does everyone have to detail their politics here?
I've been reading some of the comments here, and what they seem to be overlooking is that this is a fantastic movie, and a true story. Personally, I don't have to agree with the politics of a movie to enjoy it.
Some people point out that there were thousands of Somalis killed in this incident, but they were portrayed as 'evil'. Not one person has pointed out that the Somalis in question were supporting a warlord who was stealing food from starving people. They'd rather just spew the hackneyed, common anti-American drivel that all other countries spew, until they need assistance, that is.
Either way, I don't think the point of the movie was to comment politically on the incident, but rather to tell a story, and communicate the horror of what happened. I thought it did this brilliantly. The characters were a little under-developed, but otherwise, this is a top-rate flick. 8.5/10