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J Conn
Reviews
The Ninth Gate (1999)
Decidedly poor
Depp seems undecided whether this is comedy, drama or horror although his acting, as always, is solid and entertaining.
Other performances range from hammy to wooden and the story itself seems to try to be thoughtful and arty, but simply comes off as second rate.
The score, again trying to avoid standard horror/ drama nuances, is often jarringly comic.
And, yes, being Polanski there is a gratuitous sex scene which adds nothing and removes much (unless you are taken in by the unlikely sex-magick larks).
In short, watch it if you aren't paying for the privilege of doing so and have low expectations.
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Sith sandwich
This film is no masterpiece. It is nothing more than "Enjoyable rubbish".
I was left with two over-riding difficulties with it: 1) I was not the sort of child who found Darth Vader scary. Indeed I recall a short period where I had a diminutive Darth Vader as an imaginary friend. Nonetheless, there was something brilliant about the costume when the films first came out. The ambiguity as to whether it was a man, monster or machine; accentuated by the breathing, shiny hollow eyes and front control panel.
However, in 2005, the construction scene of Darth Vader leaves you with a sense of empathy for Anakin Skywalker. He has lost everything in his quest for power and now his burnt deformed body is encased in a strange leatherman outfit, the gayness undiminished by the phallic mullet helmet.
"Young man, there's no need to be down", I felt like shouting to him.
2) The entire story arc hinges on one fact; that Padme gets knocked up. This is a young couple, with the finest education in the galaxy, and two of the most responsible jobs in the galaxy. They are in a secret marriage, the discovery of which will ruin both their lives. They do not however use contraception. Do they live in a world where that is frowned upon? Are they ignorant of the birds and the bees? Or is it the case that, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, they can invent spaceships and robots but not condoms? After that realisation, I was unable to suspend disbelief anymore.
The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Who decided to film the first draft of the script?
From the first moment I walked out of the appaling Matrix Reloaded, two things were certain in my mind. The third film would be as bad or worse but I would go and see it.
Unlike the rather confused prophesy/ counter-prophesy/ total nonsense of the film, both my predictions came through.
It had a far superior pace than the first film, in that it did not go from pointless action sequence slamming into a tedious drawn out soliloquy and back again. Nonetheless, the film featured some of the worst dialogue I have seen outwith a B-movie or TV movie. Did anyone revise the script at all? Did not even an studio accountant look at the balance sheet and notice that £300million was spent on effects and £2.50 on script writers?
Did no one ask why the first 30 minutes with Neo in the subway station took place at all? It appears simply to introduce the little girl and give a reason for Trinity et al to go to a bondage club?
And after the first film heavily hinting at some relgious theme, and the second film laying it on thick, all subtlety was thrown out the window as the third film charged headlong into a bizarre remake of "The Greatest Story Ever Told". After all that money spent on effects, why did they not go the whole hog and add an animatronic John Wayne going "Aww. Neo truly was the son of god."
I gave the second film 3 out of 10. In all, the third has a better structure than the second (but that is like saying I preferred my heart surgery to my amputation) and one section I actually enjoyed and was mostly impressed by (the first section of the attack on Zion).
This is countered by an appallingly bad script, a number of pointless or overlong sections and a meaningless and irritating ending. I wanted to give this film, 3.5 but as I can't it's rounded down to another 3.
Royal Bonbon (2002)
Beautiful and (so far) unique
According to the director, this is the first feature length film shot entirely in Haiti and by suffering the tough conditions, electricity shortages (and no electricity at all at one key location) and a cast of first-time actors, he has produced something quite beautiful.
A story of a crazed man who imagines himself to be the reincarnation of King Christoph (the first "king" of Haiti, a former slave who headed the world's first ever black republic after the world's only successful slave revolt), it stands as an allegory of the island's own history of heroic glory followed by dismal poverty.
Short but very sweet, it is worth watching alone for the colourful imaginary, which the island, its people, its culture and Voodoo religion, bring.
Hellbound (1994)
Terrible but hilariously so
This film is bad. Not so bad it is good. Just bad. It is however hilariously bad. I watched it out of some morbid curiosity and never intend to watch it nor any other Chuck Norris film ever again. If you have to choose between this film and death, you should happily choose this film, however, as it is is a masterclass in terrible film making (hence the hilarity).
It is a constant depression to me, as I grind away at my desk job, that some people get to be involved in movie-making and decided to produce things such as this.
1 out of 10. Still better than "Starship Troopers" however.
Starship Troopers (1997)
Simply awful
If I write too much, it will only drag up the nightmare which was (a) paying to see this "film" and (b) not walking out after the first few minutes.
If it was supposed to be funny, why did I (or anyone else in the cinema) not laugh?
If it was supposed to be gory, why was it so similar to the last 20 years worth of gory films?
If it was supposed to be good special effects, why were they so bad? I watched this film shortly after "Alien: Resurrection" which had strong gory effects shot in dark, gloomy spaceships. This had brash, plasticy effects shot on a bright lit planets which made it look even worse.
Beneath contempt.