Reviews

It's really, really sad when you're sitting in a theater with 1000 non-native English speakers and they're laughing at the amazingly cliched, poorly read English dialogue. The scene with Anakin moaning "mother" in bed elicited shrieks of laughter, and, upon reflection, is the only really memorable scene in the entire film.

As one Finnish girl remarked after the film was over, "the cheese is strong with this one."

This is one of those movies that makes you laugh the entire time because you can't believe it was made.

My favorite characters in the film have to be the Catholic priest and his wife (yes, his wife) whose body is a vessel for an archangel. Yeah...

Yeah.

I want to see bands like Pavement and Pixies on this show. Why doesn't anyone ever request artists like Tom Waits, or Liz Phair? All I ever see are teen-dreams like Britney Spears. Where's Pedro the Lion? Where's The Dismemberment Plan? Carson, show us the new Alpha video! I wanna see the new Rufus Wainwright cut! Will great bands like King Crimson ever make it on TRL? What about pop giants like Elvis Costello or Wil Oldham? Where are classics like The Beatles, the Stones or the Velvet Underground? Big Star anyone? I want to see Edgar Verese music performed by the late great Frank Zappa, not some pre-pubescent spank rag! If you have to, at least show us Spike Jonez's newest Bjork video, or that Squarepusher video about the Japanese children in the mental ward!

Oh well, I heard they played Beck once...

*sigh*

Passions: 40 minutes of Soap-free commercials!

This new daytime drama by former Days of Our Lives creator can't even be christened with the title of "Soap Opera." Perhaps Soap Dispenser is more apt; the more you watch it, the more you wish you could wash your ears, eyes, and throat out with the stuff. Imagine Saved by the Bell, that inane sitcom inspired by the popularity of the equally inane Beverly Hills 90210 from the late 80s, early 90s, minus any drama, any humor, any decent acting, or any clue.

What's worse is that the daily episodes keep getting worse and worse. It started out bad: national TV reviewers gave it a bomb rating it's first day out. But it's only gone down hill. Witness Sheridan Crane and her flashbacks of her "dear friend," Princess Di. Witness Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald dumping fish guts on 21-year old lawyer, Ethan Crane. Witness pseudo-scary witch Tabatha twirl around in circles to produce, as one character on the show decries, "an insane wind from hell" to drive the entire cast out of a Red Lobster type restaurant.

How is it that I hate this show so much, yet, at the same time, know all of the characters' names? Simply, once you're hooked, you're just like those dead fish that got dumped on Ethan. You can't stop watching this show. You keep watching because you can't understand how it can get worse and worse, every day.

Easily the most insulting, sexist, and horrible shows on TV today (and that, dear friends, is a big, bold statement.) It's all those things and, just incidently, totally entertaining.

The ending to this film was pretty clever, but this can't make up for the over indulgent sex scenes, the "boy, being rich is fun" scenes, and other various annoyances (like, why do we need a black cop and a white detective when both are irrelevant to the plot? How about just one, and let's NOT make the stereotypical casting choice.)

Either way, it's a big crowd pleaser. Lots of laughing (in a good way) near the end, and applause when the credits rolled.

If you're easily offended, please go see this movie a couple of times to lighten up.

The second funniest social satire of 1999, right behind the brilliant, four star ELECTION, a film that doesn't have to rely on shock value to get its point across.

Salvation and redemption are the two things this film is all about. Forget what you've heard about it. Watch it with an open mind.

Perhaps the most unscary villain in existence invades Chicago.

When you first get a look at the cumbersome robot who shoots very slow moving laser beams, it's difficult to stifle a laugh. How could anything so stupid be considered scary at one point in time?

But the film's badness doesn't stop there. From the "Electronics Department" of the Military, and their semi-serious banter about the technology of their half human, half machine aliens, to the many, many shots containing the inept main characters looking out their windows through the curtains (curtains play a large large role, they hide the fact that there are in fact only two real sets in this film), Target Earth is borish, banal, and most importantly, a bore.

Ever see a film and, after it's over, wonder what you just wasted your time on?

Crystal Force, unlike other bad movies that just plain fall on their faces, does so in style. And that isn't, dear reader, a good thing.

What makes Manos: The Hands of Fate and like movies so enjoyable is their sheer stupidity, but Crystal Force tries to show some pseudo-intelligence. Thinly veiled as a horror film (it's horrible, not horrorful), this lite-porn heavily handedly didactically illuminates every out Freudian symbol, every stereotypically Western dichotomy, and every reference to classical literature that the screenwriters tried to work into the script. And, of course, for no reason whatsoever. You don't watch these films to become enlightened. If you enjoy watching these films at all, you enjoy their anti-intellectualism, their bestial and unrefined nature.

Crystal Force offers little of these things, and instead gives us failed arty posturing.

Of course, when critiquing films like this, you needn't mention the bad acting, terrible script, cheesy special effects, synthesized soundtrack, and out of focus camera work. It's all part and parcel with the genre.

This film is a textbook example of how not to direct a film, write a screenplay, act, or compose a soundtrack.

Originally conceived by fertilizer salesman extraordinaire, Hal Warren, who directs, produces, writes, and stars, "Manos" is perhaps the worst film ever made. Warren knew some big shots in Hollywood and thought he'd try to play with the big boys. What he comes up with is one of the most painful experiences you can possibly imagine. Several times while watching the film (especially during the opening segment which features endless minutes of the main characters driving around) I thought I'd die from laughing too hard. This film makes your stomach muscles hurt. Even after the film is well over, you're still laughing, wondering how such a film could possibly be made.

While the technical mistakes might be able to be forgiven, make no mistake: Warren effortlessly throws in every bad movie cliche in the book without even knowing it, from the stereotypical "weak" female protagonist, to the laughably bad wrestling scene. To give you some idea, one of the main characters is nearly killed by women in white dresses who slap him.

Combine this with a script that is about three pages long, a plot that doesn't even make sense, banal music, and out of focus camera work, and you have a truly horrible and wonderful experience known only as "Manos": The Hands of Fate.

The Phantom Menace may look like a kiddy movie, but there are some truly dark undercurrents. First, of course, is the title. It makes us wonder, who IS the phantom menace?

Obviously, Darth Maul and Darth Sidious are two obvious choices. Maul is just a pawn, however. And I wouldn't be surprised to find out that Sidious is in fact Senator Palpatine. And, as most fans know, Palpatine is the empoeror in the Return of the Jedi.

When viewed from this angle, the movie is less about the good Jedi triumphing over the evil trade blockaders, and more about Palpatine using everyone, Maul, the Princess, the Jedi, the senate, and even the Trade organization, in order to overthrow the senate.

At the same time, of course, Anakin could be considered the phantom menace, as he looks like a savior, only to be ultimate evil in disguise.

The horribly bad "Jar Jar Stinks" is thankfully offset by these deeper aspects of the good, but not great, film.

This film is so dense that it takes many, many viewings to understand and truly appreciate it.

It stands in a very select group of films.