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The Mayor (2003 TV Movie)
3/10
Terrific cast buried under crassness
18 April 2024
The Mayor, also known as Kid Mayor, has a compelling premise - a teenage mayor who has to cope with professional and personal struggles - but the product is a very strong example of the cesspit of early '00s culture.

A cast who had already proven themselves (Harry Groener and Christine Ebersole as the parents, Larry Miller as the scheming ex-mayor, Samm Levine as the best friend) or would prove themselves in the future (Anna Kendrick as the sister, Ben Feldman in the title role), all do their best with dreck.

The pilot pretty much starts with his mother being given prison rape jokes about him, and little improves from there. You may read this and think this is brave (or un-PC, or un-woke, or whatever the latest buzzword is), but.in this case the execution is a sea of cringe. The laziness of the writing also means no character is spared - even a little scene where we learn grandmothers like Feldman because he plays the piano for them ends in them groping him for a cheap laugh.

With time, this could have been a better show, but otherwise, you're probably just better off watching Ben Wyatt on Parks and Rec.
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Round Robin (1973)
3/10
Andrea earns her pay and more
6 April 2024
A few years ago I read an article at Rialto Report about Andrea True's attempts at getting a wage increase for adult film performers. After watching Round Robin, I can certainly see why. She is in every scene, as even when she is not physically present, she is endlessly talking. Some of the lines I remember, among many, many others: "We weren't bilingual, but we were cunnilingual." "I rode her like a palomino, and she was a real pal-of-mine-o." "I was watching Love of Life, and I was loving life." And the one to truly treasure: "We're playing two for the seesaw and boy is my see saw!" This is not purple prose as much as gangrene gibberish, but Andrea sells it about as well as anyone could. Andrea also repeats "more, more, more," several times in the film...

The pornographic prattling starts when she seduces a young male dancer (credited here as Jim Gregs and Mike Simmons and on IAFD as Frank Wixon - he reminds me a bit of Paul Thomas, in looks, although it's obviously not him), but much of the film is focused on three sex scenes - True with a galpal (Rachel Lee Harris, wearing a wig that steals most of the attention), and prattling on about the sex life of her student/lover and his wife (Cindy West), both real and fantasy. The real scene has West and Gregs taking over their share of the yammering. The fantasy scene is mercifully dialogue-free, but features annoying "with it" beeping sounds, a hangover of the late '60s. The whole atmosphere of this sequence reminds me of the Turn-On episodes that miraculously reappeared in recent months.

The film winds down with a West/True combo, followed by a happy ending (in more ways than one) with True and her no longer quite so dull husband (Ken Stevens), but by this point you mostly feel spent. Still, if you are curious to see a lot of Andrea, need any porn puns, or just want to see a few actors who did not appear in 50 other productions, you might want to watch.
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Lorelei (1985 Video)
3/10
Cheap use of all time talent
1 April 2024
Kay Parker was one of the most beautiful women ever in adult film, and more beautiful than quite a few mainstream ladies. It feels wrong to see her in this grimy looking video format which barely bothers with flattering lighting or style. Even for the grotty VHS era, some of the shots, especially when she's emceeing a fashion show, are terrible. Her air in general doesn't feel right, probably because she knows what was a special time and place had come to a tacky end.

Beyond appreciating just how hard Billy Dee has to work to keep the movie pumping, the only other note of interest is R Bolla in the flaming gay role that repeatedly went to talent like Bobby Astyr. If Bobby had not been done, or just about done, with the industry, I wonder if he might have been brought in here.

There's something compelling about the very depressed, lethargic energy Bolla brings to the part, and what is clearly a transactional, one-sided relationship with Dee (who visibly recoils at his effeminate partner). Even if nothing is shown between the men beyond an arm touch, you rarely see a sexual relationship between two men in straight porn, even more rarely that it isn't played for laughs.

The scene where Parker struts in and converts Bolla while also servicing Dee should have been a fascinatingly camp turn on the idea of the '80s shoulder pad goddess having it all. Parker even has a great line when she says that she knows what men want, even when they don't know. That this type of fantasy seeing of the light happens not with the usual stud, but with a middle-aged man, is another element you won't see very often (if ever).

Unfortunately, the execution of the scene is extremely disappointing. Bolla spends the entire time with wood problems (I don't remember him having them in some of his other films by this late date, so I wonder if this shoot just wasn't great for anybody), leaving him to feel like a hanger-on and making Parker look foolish for even putting up with him.

There are one or two good moments when this awkward scene finally ends, seemingly with none of the three performers sure of where to go. Dee playfully punches Bolla on the arm and says "not bad." Bolla replies with, "Get out of my house," and everyone laughs. One of those pieces of porn where the setup is so poor you don't care about the actors breaking through.
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Selena (1964 TV Short)
7/10
Sleek, impressive
29 March 2024
Polly Bergen had a long, successful career in television and film, but I am never sure if she found her defining role. In another world, Selena might have been that role.

Available in a 15-minute pilot form only (a full series was ordered, then rescinded), the end result benefits from the tight timeframe, along with confident direction from John Frankenheimer that is particularly on display in action scenes.

The idea of a woman who wants to be a secret agent but does not rely on guns (or any real violence) can be read as a contrast to the increasing popularity of leather-clad, butt-kicking heroines like Cathy Gale or Emma Peel of Avengers fame, although I'm not entirely sure how much impact they'd had Stateside by this point. (The Avengers would have a variation of this theme in its final year, with Tara King).

This idea could be seen as sexist and might be in a world where many views of female characters are still defined by Buffy Summers, but Bergen manages to carry the message with grace and without feeling out of place. There's a line she has when James Daly (a good scene partner) urges her to start using a gun: "I'm a woman, and I wanna stay that way." With those words from Bergen's lips, you don't roll your eyes - you believe it.

The highlight of the pilot is a fashion show marred by a gas attack, but honorable mention goes to a boisterous train sequence, where Carroll O'Connor appears in a way you would never expect.
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Audacity (2015)
4/10
Fascinating and extremely convoluted propaganda piece
24 March 2024
Warning: Spoilers
There's a certain line of thinking that would tell you serious debates over homosexuality, or marriage equality, are a thing of the past. The fact that Living Waters, who made Audacity, have close ties to the current speaker of the US House will tell you otherwise.

I'm not going to act like I was extremely offended by this film. Of course I do not agree with the message itself (renounce homosexuality or burn in hell), but I've seen much more openly homophobic material not just in Christian films, but in mainstream works, and any day that I go on social media. The token gay characters are mostly sympathetic, with the least sympathetic (who is, as is the tradition with stereotypes, a white, effeminate male), being framed as being so defensive due to hostile treatment from Christians in the past. The very few Christian films that have gay characters often just paint them as damned, say they were either abused as children or abuse children themselves, but it's not quite that simple here. And frankly, I was just interested in seeing more Christian films with gay characters at all, having grown up just seeing them as sad stories on the 700 Club or Jack Van Impe.

There are a number of positives in the film. Peter manages to thread the line between the goofy comic relief and the uber-sincere conversion tracts, thanks to the work from Travis Owens. I have no idea if the people in the film agreed with the message or just wanted a check, but the acting is better than I often would expect from these types of productions.

One of the biggest issues, and I'm not trying to sit here asking for representation in Christian gay healing films, I promise, is that we do not actually get to see the gay characters from their own point of view. The most overt story in the film that is advertised as being about how to talk to gay people ends up cheating - when Peter preaches the Good Word to Robert (the more docile half of the gay couple), it's drowned out by some tedious emo rock song. A film about giving the Gospel to the gay or gay-friendly world should have given that moment. And as they part ways, you find yourself wondering if Robert will stay with his boyfriend, or choose celibacy, or try to "go straight." This path not shown ends up being more interesting than the end of the film.

Diana, the main female and quasi-love interest, is revealed as formerly being in a lesbian relationship at movie's end, but we don't get to go on that journey with her. They do have a scene at dinner together early in the movie, but little to nothing in her interaction with this other woman suggests they are or were a couple. And again, the film avoids a genuinely compelling issue they could have had - how would Peter have reacted to her being a lesbian or bisexual while he preaches to her and is clearly attracted to her? Would he see himself as being a sinner and preying on her doubts because of his own interest? As they don't address this (he never even knows she is into women), the message of the film ends up being if you have enough faith, you can turn a woman straight. Maybe they should have approached Ben Affleck for the part.

There are a number of twists in the film that are just confounding. Peter has a dream where his rushing for a delivery and refusing to be honest with a lesbian couple leads them to die in an elevator crash. That's one way to give motivation, I guess, but before that point, there is a scene where Diana berates him over being homophobic because she has a lesbian sister. After he wakes up, he goes to talk with her, and this all turns out to have been a dream as well. It's very confusing. Why not have Diana, in the dream, tell Peter that she is gay? Wouldn't that make more sense with her story arc?

We also hear about her sick brother, whose health leads her to leave her date with Peter at his friend's standup set. This coincides with Peter's big break, and undercuts the faith-based message of the film, as he doesn't seem all that bothered by a woman he cares about having to leave due to her dying brother. This sequence is especially odd because instead of seeing her with her dying brother, we get one last lesson that has little to do with the rest of the film - her car breaks down and a man she thinks is a thug breaks into her car and saves her from being hit by an oncoming car. We then have a friend of his blasting her in a news interview for being judgmental, which seems a bit much, given that she was alone at night, out of gas, going through a spiritual crisis, and preparing for her brother's death.

We don't even hear what happens to her brother. Maybe Peter visited him once.

The film, either as entertainment or propaganda, would have benefited with a much more streamlined script, and about ten minutes sliced off - namely, the generic standup from Peter's friend (although Ben Price is an amiable, charismatic presence), and in particular, the preaching-man-on-the-street segments from Ray Comfort. Clearly these were the main points of the film, but they come across as smug and overly simplistic (although Comfort is more gracious toward his interview subjects than the Jay Leno/Jimmy Kimmel versions of this used to be), and just leave you feeling a bit annoyed. I did like his interview with one woman who essentially takes the interview from him, surprising him with the reveal that he has been talking to a lesbian all along. You get the sense even he ended up respecting her.
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4/10
Unique role reversal bogged down by amateurishness
31 January 2024
This era of bi porn was often likely to feature Sharon Kane, bad comedy, or both. Bisexual Awakenings is heavy on the latter, and the other constant of these films - bad execution of an interesting concept. The concept being - rather than the usual stories with straight men being tempted to the other side, or gay couples who just magically hump women, what happens if women seduce gay men?

Most of today's bisexual entertainment lacks the relative originality of this film's central concept, but I do wonder how much better they might have done with the material (ditto for one of the only other films I can remember with this theme - the even more risible Curious?). Then again, the concept would probably be too controversial today, as shown with some of the backlash against The Affairs of Lidia (which doesn't even delve that heavily into the topic).

There are four connected scenes, as Gino Gultier seduces Angela D'Angelo's homophobic husband Anthony Gallo only for her to catch them and initiate a screeching Gino, followed by desperate Alyssa Allure taunting closeted Ekzavir Falcon Wray and Shawn Islander until Wray decides to show her just how manly they are, leading to a suddenly guilt-ridden Wray confessing to his boyfriend Jeff D. Kota, whose virulent misogyny/biphobia ends with Wray and Bobbi Bliss turning him to the bi side, ending in Kota hammily confronting Islander until the even hammier Candy Apples barges in and shuts down their fighting with her body (and a trusty strap-on).

The scenes generally veer toward loud and annoying, with the second scene having the most potential due to a genuine sensuality from Wray and Allure and no real focus on struggling for laughs. Wray is the only reliable male performer in the film, but an overall decent scene is let down by Islander, who is clearly unable to perform with a woman (another near-constant for this genre). He's no better in his return scene, but that scene is so frantic and shrill you don't notice as much. The scene with Kota, Bliss and Wray isn't bad either, but is let down by focusing too much on dire comedy overacting and poor camera angles. I would have been curious to see Kota without so much bad sitcom parody acting in both his scenes, as he is an adequate performer in the area that tends to matter most here.

The movie is worth checking out if you want to try something different, but I'd mostly suggest just the second scene.
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Blow Me (2012)
6/10
Overpacked but pleasant
7 January 2024
With the tragic passing of Christian Oliver, I decided to watch this short. Oliver plays the straight man, with more of the comic heft going to sidekick Flula Borg. A back-of-the-napkin idea (Borg being dumb enough to name their gardening business "Blow Me", anti-German nicknames, and a standoff with a Mexican gardening group who run the local trade) works better than you might expect, lifted by a late scene-stealing turn by Roland Kickinger. Even the cameos from bigger names that can sometimes derail these smaller shorts mostly work, especially a very funny turn from Tony Shaloub.

The one drawback is Jeremy Sisto, certainly a fine actor, but given too much play in a one-note comedy role.
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5/10
Competent, if queasy, propaganda
9 December 2023
Given the rise in more aggressively made, and marketed, conservative films, many of which see Christ as nothing more than an excuse for a dollar sign, there's something almost admirable about the aims of this film. The characters have genuine conversations. They aren't there.to rant and rave. They go to great lengths to skewer a character whose excessive bitterness and judgmental behavior mirrors much of this movement today. And the performances are, for the most part, fine - certainly no worse than you'd see in many higher budgeted productions.

You do have to wonder if the film is trying to reach new audiences or is just preaching to the choir, but I can't exactly criticize the film for not being mealy-mouthed and instead being honest about its views on any number of hot topics (abortion, homosexuality, Judaism, a wife's role in a marriage, saving yourself for marriage).

There is one particular moment where the propaganda is unsure enough of viewer response that it needs to double down. The film's token gay character (well-played by Corin Nemec) gives a speech about being celibate and the difficulties in avoiding temptation. You're left being somewhat impressed with the restraint...until there's a few lines letting us know he was abused as a child, and another brief moment late in the film letting us know he'd almost killed himself a few days earlier. I'm sure the idea is meant to be comforting, and if people do find comfort in the character, I'm happy for them, but the pile-on.of trauma and loneliness serves as a reminder of just how demoralizing what is intended as an inspirational message can be.
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Fleshtone (1994)
6/10
Maximizing potential
1 October 2023
I recently saw this film streaming on Criterion, with comparisons to David Lynch. I was surprised to see that said film, Fleshtone, was the same movie that in its original era was destined to live and die as filler on video store shelves and late-night cable airings. I'm not sure if standards have changed as much as what was once a glut is now seen as a glimpse into a fast-fading world - in this case, the world of "respectable" softcore, a slight notch above Shannon Tweed playing sex therapist or plotting revenge. While Harry Hurwitz's career may not receive the same recognition as the iconic Mr. Lynch, this film at least is worth the watch, or at least better than the IMDB score indicates.

Fleshtone is a very uneven mix of both levels of cheapo fare, with the first half featuring some clear softcore staples (a throwaway lesbian sequence, and a topless woman rubbing herself in a car) and the second half focused more on routine violence (even the sex scene feels very shaky-cam, although there are a few interesting post-coital touches). In spite of being seedier, the first half has a much better atmosphere and flow - the second half is more plot-heavy and has some borderline woeful action scenes (not helped by music that sounded like it was borrowed from a rejected soundtrack for one of those mid/late-80s syndicated staples like New Twilight Zone/Tales from the Darkside/Friday the 13th). You also get into the inevitable suspension of disbelief, especially when he travels cross-country as a murder suspect...admittedly, even the best films have these moments so I'm getting into nitpicking territory.

What connects both halves is Martin Kemp, a man with an incredibly fascinating career, here somewhere around the halfway point between touring the world as part of Spandau Ballet and going to war with Phil Mitchell in the streets of Walford. Kemp had a pitstop in several "thrillers" along these lines, the most famous possibly being Embrace of the Vampire, the film Alyssa Milano successfully used to go the Drew Barrymore career revitalization route. Unlike a number of actors (Jeff Fahey, C Thomas Howell, Harry Hamlin) originally destined for bigger things who somehow ended up half-or-three-quarters naked in your living room at 2 in the morning, Kemp immerses himself into the experience, never seeming like he's slumming. He draws you into the character's troubled inner world yet also makes him seem sympathetic.

Hurtz's best directorial choice might be the contrast between Kemp's character in the outside world (often wearing a long trench coat that walks with him) and when he's indoors. Indoors, he's frequently half-naked (he only has one actual nude scene, but the extended shot of him in his white vest and briefs when the phone calls begin somehow feels more intimate than a nude scene would be). There are interesting choices made (whether they were deliberate for a character reason, or just Kemp not wanting to show too much, I don't know) in his one post-coital scene which shows just enough of the character to make him feel vulnerable, rather than any type of anti-hero or bad boy. Kemp's big blue eyes are also used just right in conveying the innocence of his spirit.

Kemp also gives some weight to the film's quasi-open ending, helping to drive home that nothing will ever truly be the same for his character, He is pretty much the only reason this choice works for me as well as it does.

Lise Cutter, who comes off as a cross between a mid '90s sitcom mom and (as others have mentioned) Working Girl era Melanie Griffith, does a good job with a sloppy part.

I also have to give a nod to Tim Thomerson, so far away from the years he starred in one cult sitcom after another and now looking more like Sam Elliott, who gives a steady performance in a thankless role. If this genre of film had been around a decade earlier, I imagine he would have been in the lead role.
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Party Girl (1995)
6/10
Parker Posey vs. conventionality
29 September 2023
One detail that stood out for me as Party Girl wound down was that even in a film set in the heavily gay club scene, gay BFF Derrick never gets to kiss his love interest. I don't say this to trash the film; it's just a reminder that even with the counterculture touches, the core of Party Girl is very cautious.

Parker Posey, of course, is a delight, fully committing to all sides of Mary, throwing herself into all of her scenes with wild abandon, yet an incredible amount of control. Posey was, to use the title she rightfully found constraining, "the queen of indies," but she was and is just a fascinating and consistently surprising actress, all the way from her soap work 30 years ago to today. I wouldn't say she carries this film, because it's a solid enough movie in its own right, but she easily lifts it above an average rating.

The most compelling elements of the movie involve Mary's underworld life, from the clubs to her bonds with Derrick (Anthony DeSando charming his way through a thin role) and Leo (Guillermo Diaz in a performance which makes you wish Leo could have led a movie of his own). Some of my favorite scenes involve Mary and Leo, from his fury when she rearranges his albums via the Dewey Decimal System to her joining him in the shower and sharing a kiss with him before she deems it "incest."

Liev Schreiber, trying valiantly with a British accent, plays Mary's on-off boyfriend, smarming along until a rough conclusion. This sequence (starting with a quickly thrown together party that sends Mary into a downward spiral) may be the most sustained in getting the film's message across, even if there is no proper aftermath. (if the movie was a series of scenes, rather than a narrative, it wouldn't bother me as much, but the film tries to go both ways)

Unfortunately, in spite of strong work from Sasha von Scherler as Mary's godmother/boss, the other side of Mary's life, her move to becoming more interested in being a librarian, never feels natural. We get montages, and we are told (rarely shown) how much she cares (we're even mostly told about her relationship with von Scherler), but nothing has the sense of believability or vitality as when she's in clubs and with her friends. The lack of interest in developing any of her relationships with the other librarians is a big missed opportunity.

The same goes for her romance with Mustafa, which is pleasant (other than her shoddy treatment of him near the end of the film not being properly resolved), but never feels invested in. This is another story where the montages passing as story progression gives away the apathy. I read an interview with the director where she said she wanted the film to have the reverse of the movies where the leading man have a romance with these gorgeous women. I appreciate the gender reversal, but the relationship is not really any more compelling than a number of those unbalanced pairings.

I'd definitely recommend the movie, but more for the atmosphere, the time and place in history, Parker Posey's enthralling work, and the side story with Leo's constantly-teetering-on-the-brink DJ job, over the story the film is trying to tell.
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5/10
The power of the critics
2 September 2023
Warning: Spoilers
There's something very clever in the idea of a ruthless gangster (Nat Pendleton) whose mommy issues mean he does anything he can to promote a talentless singer (Zasu Pitts). Add in his moll (Pert Kelton, the most consistent bright spot of the film) who, jealous of losing her position and own failed showbiz dreams, has Pitts kidnapped. All ending in a show. Good concepts, but I just don't think the idea translated well - or at least not to feature length.

The characters are very static. You wonder if the gangster may change his ways, but instead we get a treatment of domestic violence with Kelton that feels shockingly casual even for the era. Don't get me wrong - I know this was 1934, and I can't say I'm upset over the movie's lack of interest in teaching lessons (even if I'm not surprised to hear there were censorship problems as a result), but the lack of progression leaves you still not caring about characters you didn't care a great deal about in the first place.

One of my main irritations with the film is the Edward Everett Horton character. In worlds where Horton can have some back-and-forth, he can be a delight, but in this case, he just has the same disbelieving response to Pitts' singing and mocking comments about her appearance, repeated so many times that I eventually started to wonder if she was all that bad, which went against the whole purpose of the story. Pitts, a wonderful talent, also feels wasted in such an extremely passive role. With that said, Pitts and Pendleton, even if they don't quite get opportunities, are always watchable.

As the film winds down, things do pick up, with a wonderful sequence involving the gangsters threatening a leading theater critic into laughing his head off at the terrible comedy and crying real tears at the melodrama (it's not too difficult for him to weep with a gun to his side). Richard Carle is terrific in these moments, but what makes them even better is seeing the reactions of the other critics, who are visibly reeling from how awful the production is, but force themselves to laugh, cry, and praise when they see that the critic they see as the end-all-be-all loves it. A brilliant moment of satire.

The last moments, where Pitts, finally getting some fun to play, offers herself to Pendleton as gratitude for her one night of fame, also entertain. Pendleton, who is a bit thrown and makes it clear he has no interest in her, heads off to see his dear, sweet mother...just released from prison. (I wish we'd seen her meet Pitts - the comedy would have written itself). As he rushes off with Kelton and his entourage, Pitts tells her seemingly meek-milled fiancé (John Qualen) that she's now ready to go back to the simple life with him. He shows her the ransom money he pocketed from Pendleton. Not so meek after all. And not a bad way to go to the credits.
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Body Language (1996)
5/10
Artistic license
29 July 2023
There are two creative battles in Body Language - the attempts at creating a dreamscape (one which might have suited music videos in their last years of creative excess), and the attempts at working around Janine's lack of sex scenes with men.

Janine plays the unsatisfied wife of Steven St. Croix (wearing the Caesar cut brought back into popularity by George Clooney that didn't even look great on Clooney himself), with sapphic action occurring in the other world. After weaving in and out of this world, and staring at a hard-boiled egg, she sees St. Croix shamelessly return home with his mistress (Rebecca Lord). He says his goodbyes to her and has a sexy poolside scene with Janine...but before anything serious goes on, she's replaced by Lord. You can figure out your own interpretation here, but I can't help finding the whole spouse story pointless, and not especially erotic, unless they were banking on teasing viewers for Janine hetero action they weren't going to be getting for a while longer.

Janine's best scene in the film is a solo moment as she makes use of the water pressure in her shower/bath.

The non-Janine portions involve the "weird" other characters, who come off like watered down, horned up versions of Red Room denizens from Twin Peaks. They seduce potential home buyers (suggesting a potentially bleak future for Janine). This part of the story is more interesting and has some creative peaks (like what look like early drone shots around the pool), but the strongest carnal moment (spirit Vince Voyeur joining married couple Bridgette and Ian Daniels) is undercut by some poor and lazy camera angles.

As a whole this has its moments if you want to watch an attempt at porno artiste in the days when VHS still reigned supreme, but if you are looking for more, you may want to go elsewhere.
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Mother's Day (2013 TV Movie)
5/10
Debra Messing as you've seen her before
14 July 2023
After seeing that this show is an adaptation of Israeli program Yom Haem, I tried to find more information on it, but came up with little. I have seen some of the work of Julie Rottenburg, including a number of Sarah Jessica Parker vanity pieces. I can see the connection between these projects, mainly the somewhat forced inclusion of Messing's friends and a chaotic salon visit as well as the introduction of an attractive ex-boyfriend, but I can safely say I would have much rather watched more of Mother's Day than the exhumed corpse of Sex and the City.

I imagine Debra Messing was a big draw for this pilot, but she's also its biggest drawback - Messing is certainly a very dynamic comic actress, but it doesn't take her long to return to the more familiar mugging that was more at home on Will & Grace than in a role of a harried working wife and mother.

In spite of being submerged with his office pal in a gay panic subplot that was probably a wheeze even to viewers even in the old Gig Young That Touch of Mink days, Paul Adelstein brings a surprising amount of depth and commitment to his role as Messing's husband.

Kelly Coffield, in a few scenes as a guidance counselor, is a delightful surprise, reminding you all over again of what an asset she could have been to any number of shows if they'd given her the chance.
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Merry X Miss (1986 Video)
5/10
Festive idea with formulaic result
14 July 2023
In his final interview with Rialto Report, John T Bone spoke extremely highly of Samantha Strong. In her debut feature, it's not difficult to see why - she has a very natural appeal that shines through the garish '80s styling and even more garish video format.

The setting is a vacation home with Herschel Savage, fiancee Lois Ayres, a friend (Francois Papillon, physically stunning as ever and thankfully given minimal dialogue) and his new girlfriend (Sade), and a dull Trivial Pursuit-playing friend (Johnny Nineteen - not named so for either age or appendage) and his partner Rose Marie. Savage and Ayres are your usual upwardly mobile horrors, as the opening has her wincing at the idea of being around his more common relatives and speculates that Papillon is only dating Sade to try to seem hip. Savage, meanwhile, does an Indian voice and nearly says something else racist until he remembers Sade is in the room - she then says it for him.

Strong and Luis de Jesus (a fitting pairing as she was at the start of her career while he was near the end of his) arrive, the rebellious daughter of Santa and a New Orleans madam, and a raunchy elf kicked out of the North Pole. At this point I wondered if they were going to teach the cynical ensemble the meaning of goodness, or Christmas, including some sort of rainbow coalition sexual connection between Savage and Sade. That never happens (Sade is just limited to one scene with Papillon - a waste), and instead you get a more generic sex romp.

Some ideas are fun, like a fireside encounter with Savage and Ayres where the elf has a stream of filth talk and Ayres assumes a confused Savage is giving her instructions but let down by lackluster execution as well as the stretching of sex scenes that mar so many adult films. There's an extended scene which will probably have a unique appeal to some viewers, where de Jesus chases Rose Marie around before finally convincing her to let him use her present on her (a sex toy), leading to much more. Ayres, meanwhile, ends up in Nineteen's room while going back to Savage, and Marie is...busy elsewhere, leading them to hook up as she realizes he's not so dull after all. I would say this is the best scene in the film, with Ayres and Nineteen having some nice heat together. Strong and Savage, who paired up early in the film then disappeared, walk in on them and decided to share the bed, but beyond some fun banter between Savage and Nineteen (I know some people can't stand that type of stuff in a sex scene but it works for me here), there's no real interaction. There's one long portion where Nineteen and Ayres are just on the bed, not shown at all, while Savage and Strong go at it. It reminds you of just stale the presentation was compared to the potential.

Strong gets her final desire by briefly trysting with Papillon on the couch before leaving for Hollywood, and, presumably, a more interesting life than what we got a glimpse of here.

I do have to point out the soundtrack going for a Christmas carol theme in her sexual encounters, played on a loop, along with another track that has a voice going "whoo!" for your amusement.
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Erotic Choices (1994 Video)
8/10
Persuasion and education
1 July 2023
Erotic Choices was clearly made in a time of transition, the content giving the sense of worry that years of talk about prevention were being worn down by fatigue.

As a result, you have a movie which has the eroticism of a white-coater, but is genuinely attempting to educate, rather than just looking for a cover for pud-pulling.

The harder elements of intercourse are likely simulated, but the passion is real enough, and even if the guys have that generic '90s adult entertainment look about them, they're also attractive.

What makes the movie stand out compared to some forms of gay-related entertainment is it does seem to be pitched toward a gay male audience, rather than a broader appeal, as shown in the acknowledgement of open relationships, the leather or fetish communities, etc.

The material most dated to the time is the attempt near the end of the film to discourage unprotected anal sex, even going as far as to say it's much less pleasurable than using a condom. This is a world away from today's gay adult industry, which, aside from a few holdouts, returned to all bareback, all the time in the 2010's.
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Model (2021)
7/10
Getting to know
15 June 2023
The twist of this short is very easy to figure out, but that doesn't really matter, as the main appeal is the bonding between artist (Trin Miller) and model (Jasper Newman). It would have been very easy for the director to turn their connection into a sexual relationship, or a more chaste romantic one, but instead the limited runtime is effectively used to just show two people getting to know the edges of each other. It feels very real, without coming across as a mumblecore pastiche.

There's also some lovely location work which just enhances the viewing experience while still seeming like a normal part of the setting.
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7/10
Good movie held back by several faults
26 March 2023
There's plenty to appreciate in this lesser known Sirk enterprise, from the sumptuous black and white cinematography of Russell Metty (for once studio budget-busting was a good thing, as I cannot imagine these people or the world they live in in color), to another intelligent, perfectly modulated performance from a very chic Barbara Stanwyck, to a final scene more harrowing than anything in Double Indemnity, a final scene which has one of Fred MacMurray's finest, most emotionally eviscerating turns. This is also a film where the death throes of the Hays Code are a benefit, as in later years, the MacMurray and Stanwyck characters likely would have slept together, which would have trampled over the bleakly repressive atmosphere. Unfortunately, in spite of these strengths, something doesn't quite mesh for me in the final product.

My biggest problem with the film involves the heavy presence of Vinnie's girlfriend, played by Pat Crowley. Perhaps Sirk was attempting to balance out his use of younger characters as stupid, selfish obstacles to the happiness or their parents by having her repeatedly dismiss Vinnie's anxieties, but the main difference in this film and something like All That Heaven Allows is that in the latter, Jane Wyman's children were horrible toward her for finding love again after being widowed, whereas Vinnie was trying to grapple with just learning that the father he'd assumed was happily married to his mother was instead on an intimate getaway with another woman. She also doesn't want him to confront his father, which just leads his anger to build and build. We can't even say this was the right advice, because ultimately, confronting Stanwyck is what resolves the situation, so when she and Vinnie reunite at the end of the film, rather than seeing them as some sort of young, honest contrast to the denial-choked marriage of his parents, I was mostly left wondering why they would get back together. And I was confused as to why she would want to be so emotionally invested in this family in the first place, as she and Vinnie were still early in their life together. Making matters worse is that Crowley, while certainly a decent enough actress, feels very out of place, a very broad performance which suggests a sitcom figure from that era who somehow wandered into Sirkland. It's unfortunate that so much of Vinnie's screentime revolves around this tedious relationship, because the moment where he and his sister confront Stanwyck is by far his strongest, and a much stronger showcase of William Reynolds than anything in All That Heaven Allows - the black and white also intensify the haunted nature of his complexion.

The outsized nature of this part of the narrative means the MacMurray/Stanwyck/Joan Bennett triangle never captures my interest the way it should have. I know there is no actual "triangle," as the movie is less about love between man and wife and more about being torn between love of self vs society's expectations of what a man is supposed to do, Still, moments like Stanwyck accusing Vinnie of only taking his mother's side doesn't land the way it could because we see so little of their relationship. I feel like the movie needed a few, or even just one strong scene for Bennett to have an impact.

Overall, this is a good movie, at times a great one, but is a reminder that performances and the Sirk touch are still not enough when the script isn't there.
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Dr. Yes! (1972)
3/10
Generic curio
17 March 2023
Dr. Yes! Begins as a literal white-coater, with Marc Brock and his comely assistant wearing nothing but white coats (and a pair of panties - on her, not him) as they work on his sex experiment. You have to wonder if they just didn't want to go to the laundromat that day, or if they never wore clothes under those coats, or if Dr. Brock was so sure that day was the day of discovery, he barred clothes...needless to say, this isn't the point of the film, but it's more interesting than most of the content.

The 'plot' is wholly unnecessary, between the lab intro to the decision to use the aphrodisiac to sex up a graduation party with students and faculty. There was no character buildup, and no real tension to take them from sitting around to where their clothes magically disappeared as soon as they sip from the drugged drinks.

That isn't to say the film is unwatchable - if you want some burgeoning action for the more accepted hardcore era (you can still see they're somewhat hesitant about penetration), or return to the days of mostly natural bodies and believable intimacy, there's something to enjoy. I'd still say it's only worth sitting through for completion's sake.
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7/10
A horror film
11 March 2023
You Me Him & Us has 25 million views on Youtube at present, likely due to the subject matter...or what one-handed viewers assume the subject matter will be. They may not be quite as satisfied with the final product.

Some may interpret the tone here as puritanism, or shaming, but I'd say it's more of a contrast to the much more common practice in entertainment to present open relationships either from a horny fantasy land aspect, or from the point of view of one man and two women there mostly to let us know what a stud he is (or sometimes, the woman who is there to present some kind of sexual awakening for the main characters). This short shines more of a light on those who feel that they have little choice but to go along with what their partner wants, even if in the process they are left completely broken.

Dan Weschler and Tessa Skara excel at playing the put-upon boyfriend and the girlfriend who makes it clear he will never be enough for her. They are so good that I think the short could have been trimmed by a few minutes, as the hurt in this film borders on unbearable to watch. Still, the last scene is incredibly powerful.
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Bi Now, Pay Later (1995 Video)
3/10
A song and a shrug
12 February 2023
There's nothing I would call bad in this movie, but there's also nothing good, and most barely manages to get to mediocre. There are some interesting tweaks, I suppose (after the first sex scene is with his work lover, Johnny Rey calls up his pal (Karen Dior's alter ego, Rick Van), who offers advice, but is mostly there to yank it to a couple he's watching from his balcony. This is the first of two consecutive sex scenes with Mo Rivers (one of them on a videotape lonely wife Sharon Kane watches - he certainly got around in this film's universe), and two is too many, as your mind ends up wandering to whether he's going to manage to finish the job. The last scene is another feather in the cap only worn in this genre, where Kane, rather than being disturbed over being cheated on, is satisfied over her husband asserting that he still wants her too, and is turned on by the male/male aspect. This leads to the inevitable threesome, which Sharon gives her all to (the guys aren't bad either), although I imagine she'd already done many more memorable scenes in this capacity.

By this point, Sharon had invested more and more time in the music aspect of her career, which may be the reason why time is given over to Chi Chi (as Sharon's sister) and Jackie Beat giving an operatic performance of a song called "I Think He's Gay." Sample lyrics are along the lines of: "When playing frisbee his wrist seems unattached/why do his clothes all match/I wish he'd eat my...." You can fill that last one in yourself. As a very brief bitching session between Chi Chi and Rey is one of the other highlights of the movie, they might have been better off increasing the camp and cutting one of the middle sex scenes. I think even spank devotees might have understood.
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6/10
Compelling...up to a point
3 February 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Brandon Young gives a strong, natural performance as an actor who is torn between waiting for a big break - or any break - and accepting an offer to perform in an adult film. There's nothing new about this plotline, but then there's nothing new about most plotlines. The execution takes the matter seriously without devolving into misery porn (no pun intended), leaving you in the mind of a man who is trying to feel out a very difficult choice.

Just as he's near the point of no going back, his friend (a good performance from Aurelio Reyes), arrives on the set, telling him he's gotten the job he auditioned for at the start of the short. Young immediately quits, and you might think well this is rushed and seems like a bit of a copout, but at least the door was always open for this twist.

Unfortunately, the final scene, after he leaves, is purely comedic, with Reyes talking his way into taking his friend's place, saps away any of the dramatic material or character work up to this point (and nothing about his character in his earlier scene suggests such a sharp left turn in tone), It also makes the choice Young faced seem more trivial after being treated here as a joke.

This is still worth a watch, and I give praise to those who spent time and money getting this made, but maybe just don't bother with the last scene.
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Love Is... (I) (2010)
4/10
Needlessly convoluted film with likeable leads
2 February 2023
Warning: Spoilers
The initial story of Love Is... (a blind woman is unknowingly reunited with the man who accidentally blinded her years earlier, when they were teenagers sharing a crush), feels closer to a '30s weepie than a product of 2010, but I at least admire their commitment most of the way through. Unfortunately, either due to Angela Clare (who wrote, directed, and starred in the film) belatedly realizing the story made no real sense (due to her character not recognizing her old love's voice), or deciding a "twist" ending would garner more interest, we get a reveal immediately after the happily ever after that only their initial reunion scene was real, she had actually recognized him by his voice, and had decided to see if he would be honest about their past - only for him to never see her again. We then see him walk by at the end of the film with two small kids, implying he didn't press further because he was already married.

The earlier material is not exactly sterling work, but Clare and Daniel Tyler Smith at least share a certain endearing chemistry that makes you marginally invested in the outcome of their relationship. Learning there was never a relationship just leaves you with a somewhat hollow feeling...not helped by one final appearance of a song which sounds like a discount Sara Bareilles work.
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Bus Nut (2015)
6/10
Earnest tribute
28 January 2023
Worthwhile, and timely, as director Akosua Adoma Owusu's presentation of the bravery of Rosa Parks is, what interests me most about Bus Nut is the equally respectful treatment of the 1980 educational film it shares a title (and a great deal of footage) with. In many cases, when old educational shorts are revived, it's as a source of mockery, which is no surprise, given how ridiculous many of them are. There are a few moments to laugh at in the original short, but what stands out most, and what is carried on here, is the determination of the little black girl who so deeply cares about her school bus. Everyone else around her acts foolish, but she won't. She also can't - the added context in Owusu's film reminds us of just how much weight she has on her shoulders. The original short is available on Youtube, which is important to enhance your appreciation of this one.
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8/10
Only hurt people hurt people
25 January 2023
Nora Stock has crafted a great deal of emotional turmoil into less than 10 minutes, blurring the lines between characters you could easily see being expanded into a longer piece and characters you are fine with leaving behind as they now are.

William Lund, Jenna Szoke and Scott Callenberger are all very good in roles which in the wrong hands could have seemed like a mix of Rebel Without a Cause and a WB drama. Szoke has the most thankless part, but manages to believably pitch her character's frustration at her emotionally distant boyfriend and his hanger-on, then the gravitation between them. Callenberger plays the shaggy-haired, troubled dreamboat role just right, while Lund brings major supplies of presence and off-kilter life to a role you're drawn to in spite of its toxicity.

Skillful pacing and sharp editing and lighting are very important to this short, but the key is the very easy chemistry these three actors share - when chemistry looks that easy, it seldom is. There's a real trust between everyone which keeps you watching even as the characters head toward an inevitable crash.
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4/10
Using what's handy
24 January 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Voulez-vous mon c...?, AKA Cavaliere, among various other titles, starts out with a bang as Christine Frassati, at the breakfast table with, presumably, her mother (Brigitte Verbecq) and maid (Marie-Thérèse Clément), fantasizes about a visitor (Andre Kay) casually seducing them. Unfortunately, the movie's greatest weakness also reveals itself in this sequence - the same instrumental playing over and over and over, stopping at random times, then starting again. (the moments in the film which just have sounds rather than music are much preferable, especially as there is no interminable dirty talk or fake screaming)

When not sucking her thumb, Frassati goes through the rest of the film lost in fantasy, sometimes imagining other people, sometimes inserting herself into an encounter. At one point she inserts a toilet brush into herself (hopefully it was cleaned...before or after). You want to wait for her to have her own moment of stepping into a new life, but when it doesn't happen (still wandering around on her own, with a cat, during the film's final orgy), you can't bring yourself to care very much.

The most memorable sequence features striking redhead Lucie Doll, working in the stalls. Apparently turned on by mucky stalls in freezing cold weather, she treats a rake handle to various orifices. A shot of a horse is repeated several times, briefly making you worry about just where this is going to go...fortunately, nowhere. Dany Berger, a horse in his own way, joins her, in a scene which should probably be hotter than it is - between static shots, too much padding, and a very awkward kiss, it doesn't give you much, although Dany's appendage and Lucie's bottom are enough for many, I'd guess.

The true highlight of the film is Verbecq, a busty blonde MILF before the term was coined, or ground into the dust. She brings a great deal of enthusiasm and sensuality to her scenes, especially her tryst with Clement.
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