magic.hb's Reviews

Alien 2: On Earth (1980)

1/10

9 October 2023

"A spaceship lands back on Earth after a failed mission, but the astronauts have been replaced by hideous creatures that can penetrate people's bodies and make them explode. A group of cave explorers are attacked by the monsters inside an underground cave, but the survivors are in for a surprise when they finally manage to escape the trap..."

And all of this can only be guessed at when it comes up in about 3 minutes of this 1 hour and 32 minute long piece of whatever, in which you almost explode from yawning boredom ...

Anyone who finds this exciting and entertaining urgently needs a good psychiatrist, friends, drugs or, best of all, everything at the same time.

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The Wolf (I) (2021)

1/10

Ach, Du meine Güte!

4 June 2023

600 characters comment minimun - okay, let's try! This rubbish is the ideal reference point for a 1/10 rating. Bad in every possible way. To say it in German: "Ach, Du meine Güte!" Which as an exclamation of astonishment in this case very euphemistically describes the intense wish to blind or even kill yourself while watching it.

All the contributors should have done so, so that this totally ridiculous crap would have never gone on air.

A complete mystery, that this bungling gets more than 1/10. One more disgrace for German movie-making. Do not waste your time or money! There is no universe, in which this would be worth watching.

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Rapunzels Fluch (2020)

1/10

Flea market warning

4 April 2023

You shouldn't even take this crap with you out of the DVD leftover box at the flea market, if you could get it for free. An embarrassingly bad production, almost any school class would've done it just as "well" or even better.

Total waste of time watching this. And I'm really sad and ashamed: Once more it's a German movie, which fails all along the line. Unfortunately, so many German filmmakers are so untalented, that it hurts.

Usually I've got no problem with watching even very bad movies. It's kind of fun sometimes. But this one is uninspired and dull in every thinkable way. One of the worst of very many movies I watched.

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King of Stonks (2022)

7/10

Painfully entertaining

8 July 2022

I didn't miss "depth" - especially not that one permanently pregnant with meaning and underscored in minor by strings, so many German movies and series are dripping with.

Hey, this series is a bit imperfect in some way, yes, but it's entertaining. I was stunned sometimes and sometimes laughing a lot. On the one hand it seems to be very exaggerated behaviours and dialogues, but on the other one especially this feels painfully real knowing quite some bosses and employees and working conditions, which are not very dissimilar to those in the show.

My conclusion: This mini-series is good to binge and doesn't feel like almost five hours length all in all. I'd wish more German productions to be made that way. My dispair and shame regarding the general condition of German film would be less then.

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Mother/Android (2021)

3/10

(Most) Memorable quote:

8 January 2022

"So you need to start straightening this story out so it starts making sense."

Watch and you'll understand! Don't watch and you'll be better off!

All things considered: Watch and you'll regret!

And all the (few) points for leading actress Chloë Grace Moretz only!

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The Wasteland (2021)

3/10

Zero suspense!

7 January 2022

On the whole there is nearly no suspense - which is a big problem for a movie of that length and especially topic. After all it's well acted, otherwise it would have been difficult to continue watching till the end.

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Escape the Undertaker (2021)

1/10

Avoid the Undertaker!

6 October 2021

If you seek entertainment in captivating interactive stories, you'd better get yourself a Telltale-game - e.g. "The Walking Dead", respectively especially that one. Within you'll get intriguing decision options embedded in a well scripted plot, that at least skillfully suggests to evolve the way it does, because you decide and behave the way you do. Really quite interesting and worthwhile!

"Escape the Undertaker" unfortunately totally fails to reach that on all imaginable levels. Story, plot and dialogues: Simply dull (euphemism). Acting: Pathetic. Technical execution: Below average. The whole thing seems to be made for one reason only: to present "something interactive" again.

A bloody pity!

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The Fellowship of the Ring (1991)

1/10

Was lost for years - and should have been forever!

11 April 2021

Very hard to watch for different reasons. It doesn't withstand the comparison with any other LotR-production one usually knows. This quality would easily be reached and even topped by amateur filmmakers anywhere in the world. Horrible soft focus senselessly used in so many of its scenes and sound and especially the choice of music (the few tracks they repetetively play): Really bad! All in all it's a torture for the eyes and ears most of its nearly two hours length!

The costume design is less fitting than it is in every Eastern European fairytale movie of any year of production I ever watched. And it seems they only had that one snowy afternoon when they lent a few horses from a farmer nearby to film all their outdoor scenes at once.

I suppose most of the actors being stage actors and not that bad at all, but each possibly promising approach lying in this is ruined by the very poor technical and other execution. Finally the only interesting thing with it is to have a look with a LotR-fan's eye how exactly they did interpret things and transpose them to their version. But that nowhere near makes it a worthwhile movie experience.

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Disenchantment (2018–2023)

6/10

A roller coaster ride through the episodes

4 April 2021

Warning: Spoilers

It starts very promising and has potential, but becomes a roller coaster ride with very good and funny episodes taking turns with quite mediocre ones in season one and two and a lengthy descent in season three.

At the beginning I was impressed how well everything matched: medieval fantasyworld with elves and ogres and fairies, magic versus science, interesting main and secondary characters - of course founded on Bean, Elfo and Luci being the three protagonists of it all. The rebellious princess, drinking and behaving anything but royal. The elf leaving his secluded forest in order to get to know the real life in the real world out there. The small shadow demon looking for trouble and giving off corresponding whisperings all the time. Cool basic setting, everything drawn in unmistakeable Matt-Groening-style - strike!

Then watching it I had to laugh a lot sometimes, but sometimes for a really long while I also didn't laugh at all. I wonder, why they vary in pace of humor so noticeably. Is it because of constantly new directors to the single episodes? Or perhaps there's a problem with my expectations to get a show as captivating with its complex and subtle humor as The Simpsons or Futurama are ... But it's Groening's newest release, so I suppose, it should be measured as his actual creative development stage.

But instead of sharpening the plot they seem to lose focus and common thread somehow. New places and characters are introduced, but not really deepened, everything's becoming arbitrary a bit. Steamland: They reach it, stay there and manage to escape, obviously for the main purpose to bring Bean to the mermaids' island to fall in love with one of them. Meanwhile Elfo falls in love with the boat. (?!?) Some exhausting never ending monologues about love, being more tiring than touching, and indicated personal drama with sexual orientation ... What was this good for, not being picked up again afterwards? An innuendo or reminiscence to LGBTQ+?

As strange is that overdrawn excess when they take Oona's drugs, just leading to weird enlightenment and showing psychedelic fun due to drugs, but no consequences or harm because of it. Quite pointless, but perhaps they took some drugs themselves creating those superfluous episodes.

So right now, between finished season three and probably coming season four, it's a streaky pleasure. Let's hope, Bean's roller coaster goes straight up again with new episodes!

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The Last of Us: Part II (2020 Video Game)

9/10

Boundaries start to blur

15 February 2021

Like part one the game's more kind of an interactive movie with playable sequences. I suppose, fans of open-world-games won't like it much because of being so linear and plot-driven. As far as I am concerned I liked it very much exactly for what it is!

The story is great. It conveys in a touching way, that sometimes in the end there is no "good" and no "evil" at all, but only people having reasons and motivations. It's the same with Ellie, you're emotionally bound to after escorting her on her long and arduos way through apocalypse in part one, as it is with her opponents - above all with Abby. Everyone's doing evil things for good reasons. So what is (and was) what at what point of the whole story? And in particular when it's about bare survival? There's no justice in revenge, but perhaps satisfaction. Really? Boundaries start to blur and motivations change triggered by new reasons evolving.

So finally "The Last of Us: Part II" is a masterpiece alone for the emotions, thoughts and mind games it evokes and you get captivated by while playing.

Game control is not too complex to handle and graphic is so realistic even to make me, having a certain fear of heights in real life, get heavily shivering knees walking on the Seraphites' secret paths high above Seattle. ;-) Anyway: The game has much more scary scenes and shocking moments (and action on top of that all) than most of the horror movies together I watched in the recent past.

One of a very few and little minus points was it being overexcited with personal drama somehow - a little less and I still would have got the point, I think. But this is whining on a very high level. Indeed it's one of the best games I ever played and I rate it a deeply convinced 9/10.

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House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

2/10

Sadistic cruelty for the pure end in itself

22 November 2020

It's the disgusting attempt of being stylish in slaughtering people. And yes, maybe it even is a little bit. But besides that it's just repulsive. Those freaky killer-family-characters are unoriginal - and such is the whole storyline. Having watched a dozen horror and as many splatter movies before, this one has nothing (!) to be frightened or shocked of, in spite of all that blood, torture and agony.

It's made for the only purpose to stage really hideous things in an as crudely-artistic way as somehow possible and at all costs. Costs e. g. are huge implausibilities in the plot and dull and almost absurd behaviours of characters. This makes that stuff so excruciatingly wanted, that it feels offending most of the time watching. The remaining time it feels like being bored to death by some sadistic fantasies being put in scene so explicit just because of not knowing how to create attention in any other way (or even by building up subtle suspense).

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Illang: The Wolf Brigade (2018)

4/10

Not as good as Jin-Roh!

21 November 2020

The anime from 1999 was way better. Okay, this one's making its efforts delivering some nice action paired with profound emotion. But all in all it's too long with its nearly 2,5 hours, the plot's moving quite sluggishly and the spark of deep and torn feelings, actually the most important theme, I'd say, never really skips.

Only scene successfully achieving this aim is that telling about the little-red-riding-hood-puppet-show with its different ending: In the mix of intensive sounds, nicely drawn cards and thoughtful narration I got caught for a moment. "The worst thing is not to know whom to hate!" Strike! Unfortunately the whole rest afterwards can't keep up with such plain wisdom, I got lost very fast again being left to much shooting, fighting, explosion and killing ...

So: Yes, there was great potential! But: No, they didn't manage to call it up! 4/10

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Rings (2017)

3/10

Ridden to death

2 October 2020

Although being monothematic and only little variable in their plotline, I at least partially enjoyed most of the Ringu-movies (originals and remakes, sequels and prequels). But this one's the worst of them all, I'd say.

In my perception most of the scary charm of the movies before got lost. The theme was 100 % known already and nevertheless squeezed to the last ... Quite predictable, boring and not really recommended!

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The Noah's Ark Principle (1984)

2/10

There was a space station

2 October 2020

Fascinating and also inconceivable somehow, that THIS really was a breakthrough for Emmerich's career. Okay, the whole career is fascinating measured at the movies he makes - but this one ... Wow! I totally agree with "malk4": Nearly the only thing memorable (and kinda understandable) and worth mentioning is: "There was a space station"!

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Freaks: You're One of Us (2020)

3/10

I really wanted to like it, but ...

5 September 2020

... it's in a negative way "so German" and "so Netflix", too! :-/

Of course they won't make points with cool F/X in this - but they could have even tried to make some with reasonable dialogues or a clever plot or good acting. Unfortunately it's nothing of it all. Flat talking, one-dimensional plotline with no surprises or halfway interesting twists, security guards moving and acting so unrealistic and implausible that it nearly hurts watching ...

3/10 for the nice idea and attempt - and for Cornelia Gröschel at least looking pretty. The rest of it: Forgettable!

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Hungerford (2014)

1/10

For your cinematic salvation: Stay away!

7 August 2020

Besides of that shaky-cam-style sucking like hell, this one's totally boring. I nearly fell asleep watching it. No suspense, no realistic behaviour of characters or perhaps somewhat entertaining dialogues at least - seriously NOTHING!

Infantile crap - stay away unless you want to get an intense desire to dazzle yourself with some deodorant after or even meanwhile watching it!

A really worthy 1/10!

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Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)

4/10

The ghost using Bello 12 pt

2 August 2020

Warning: Spoilers

Mediocre and not really fearsome at all! I had low expectations about the theme with Halloween, some stereotype kids and an old, scary house with kind of an ancient grudge inside, but nevertheless I still was disappointed a bit. Nothing new, nothing to be frightened of to some extent ...

Some average acting, some solid FX - but on the other hand: In all the darkness of night and that old house, there still was clear sight all the time, and e. g. the writing in that old and mystical book looked uniform like directly flowing out of my printer and not out of an evil ghost's bloody hand. I would have wished much more attention to detail! And I would have wished more realistic behaviour of characters several times, e. g. in that police station: Cop more or less motionless waiting for the monster to slaughter him after having pulverized his ammo ... Oh, come on, not really!

Finally: 4/10 - and MUCH air upward for the sequel being announced!

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X-Factor: Das Unfassbare kehrt zurück (2018 TV Movie)

Extremely bad!

31 October 2019

Absolutely unwatchable - and unvoteable! Not even worth 1/10!

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Something More Than Night (2003)

1/10

Something less than boring

21 March 2003

This documentary made me not only feel totally bored - it made me feel really angry! I watched it at the Berlinale in 2003 and I wondered, why they show such crap to the audience. There are so many talented young people having great ideas and making brilliant movies - and this guy places a camera somewhere at some totally unmeaning places in Chicago, showing some totally unmeaning scenes preferably through a fence or from a far distance and without any word of comment to them ... and it seems like an eternity of stupidity, but he is at the Berlinale and there is even audience who applaud to this.

Eisenberg wanted to collect and show impressions from his home town. But this is less than boring - to both kind of people I talked to: the ones, who have never been in Chicago, and even the ones, who know the city well.

Perhaps the director would say, it´s kind of art and I am just not able to understand this. But I think, I exactly understand it. The documentary is incredibly bad and it was waste of time watching it. Actually it makes the whole thing much too serious writing some lines of comment to it or even trying to discuss about it.

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