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Reviews
Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999)
nnngh...
I hate it. And I hate it all the more because its meant to be light and inconsequential, and it is, but yet still provokes in me such nauseating and violent ire. Its a waste of my bile. But, it is so catastrophically stupid and badly written I just have to collect my thoughts.
1. Why didn't the stupid male teen lummox admit fault as soon as Tingle took the stolen test out of stupid Holmes' bag?
2. After agreeing to just tell the truth why did they send female teen actress B go to Tingle's door and proceed to just lie? Second obvious chance for male teen lummox to admit all wrongdoing goes abegging.
3. Why do any of said lummoxes fail to listen to their own ideas?. Tingle is manipulative, don't listen to her, she's trying to promote disharmony within our group. Stop listening to her. Its a ruse. Don't let her get to you... Whats that Mrs Tingle?.... Really?
4. Why does being upset by Tingle (see 3) drive Holmes to have presumably unprotected sex with irredeemably guilty male teen lummox?
5. Why does she even want to fornicate with said male teen lummox? To paraphrase... Holmes (to Lummox) - "There's an unguarded innocent woman tied upstairs, we're probably all going to prison for a long time and its all your fault, you have no scruples or charisma, my accomplice and best friend who has (somehow) always been in love with you has now fled the crime scene in a jealous rage because she's been tricked (see 3) into thinking we've slept together. Lets sleep together, that's made me horny".
6. And why doesn't this firmly establish Holmes as a colossally stupid, horribly callous b**ch?
7. Why does illegally changing not only HER grade, but unjustifiably sabotaging someone else's grade not only further reinforce Holmes as being a horrible callous b**ch?
8. Since Holmes is explicitly established as a horrible person, does that not make Tingle the protagonist by default? Where is the tension in the prospect of Holmes getting caught?
9. Mrs Tingle has escaped and is on the phone in the living room. Holmes sneaks into the MIDDLE of the SAME room and stands there. Has Tingle seen her? I think she's gotten away with it.... no, wait.
10. One lummox screams "RUN!" when crossbow aimed at Mrs Tingle is found to be minus the arrow. Run? From a 60 year old woman? Run where? Run WHY? What does running solve? "She's got my ankle! We're all going to die!" scream the three healthy teens. (Clue - Tingle is a superhuman cannibal).
11. Tingle has been assaulted, threatened, kidnapped, blackmailed and tormented in her own home for numerous days. Don't call the police, this is a matter for the principal.
12. Tingle's legally justified retaliation results in nobody getting hurt. The simple question of "whats been going on here?" is fortunately not raised by anyone ever again and thus all captors are absolved of all crimes. Holmes gets her fraudulent award, all betrayal between friends is never spoken of again and they all live happily ever after.
These are only the larger and more thematic ones. Everything, every minute detail of this film is deeply and profoundly stupid, unjustified. illogical and unlikable.
I thought this would be cathartic but i just feel empty inside.
Kids (1995)
Reality.....?
Having ploughed through most of the of the viewers comments for this film, i find myself impelled to say that, far from being a case of opinion, this film is awful. This is truth. This is reality. Kids is not. I hate every character in this film wholly and unremorsefully. Why? Because they're not human in any way. Humans tend to have a bit of depth, some sort of duality, something inside. I don't want spend time with one-dimensional psychos. Most teens aren't psychos, and even those that are, however crazy they may be, are human. Whats the point in showing the sex and violence and nothing else? "shock value". What does its say? "These people have sex and act violent" answers Mr Clark. Then its pointless. And this film is. And its amazing how many morons fell for the laughably tacked on HIV "plot". Its a shockingly half-hearted attempt at injecting morality or substance into what can only be described as a movie vacuum. Horribly pointless, horribly boring, horribly pretentious, horribly useless, horribly tactless, horribly over-rated.
Clerks (1994)
Talk about a rave review. No? Read one instead...
I don't mean to sound over the top but this surely has to be the funniest and cleverest film of the decade. Its testament to the razor sharp script and brilliant performances that a film with such low production values and aesthetic ineptitude can be so good. The black and white gives it a slightly arty, yet somehow not arty feel (if you know what i mean. Do you?); In fact, this is as far from an art film as can be. I would include my favourite quote if it weren't so "screamingly offensive". My second favourite - "I do not appreciate your ruse, ma'am" . I wonder whatever happened to Jeff Anderson (playing Randall). He created the most likable and witty character i have ever seen, the epitome of all that i deem cool if you like, with his simultaneously laconic and impassioned delivery. The script clinches it though. Surely Kevin Smith is a gift from god. Granted Mallrats was a bit lame but had its moments - "once i've kissed you, you're not the same as before - you're changed." and Chasing Amy was great until the melodrama took over (not that the melodrama was badly done, it just wasn't funny...obviously). I've not yet seen Dogma although i'm told its disappointing. But if Kevin Smith wrote the dialogue then there cannot fail to be good moments. In theory... Anyway, Clerks is perhaps my favourite film ever. Well, of the nineties. It deserves nothing less than 10/10. So thats what i gave it.
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
A Crushing Bore
I had high expectations the first time i sat to watch this. Stanley Kubrick has a phenomenal reputation (although most of his films are , i now realise, pretty duff), and it was seen as revolutionary at the time. Its not art though. Its pretentious, deliberately confusing and most importantly, suicidally boring. You may call me a philistine, but i can appreciate art when i see it. In this, i'm afraid i see no art. Scenes in which nothing happens except pretty colours fly by or monkeys grunt last for 10 minutes or more. Why? Is that art? I hope i never have to sit through it again. Make that 2/10 (the 2 is for the expensive effects)