I looked at my watch 15 minutes into this film. This tells you something right there. It is a lame, pointless, forced exercise in boredom. I can forgive much in film called road trip. It's crummy attitudes towards the actresses in it, Amy Smart is relegated to stripping in the first half of the film while the male counterpart stays clothed, of course she jumps on him offering herself. She really is very very pretty, it is sad the producers of this thought so little of her. More girls undress in front of fully clothed male actors for no other reason then to have naked girls. I like naked girls, really I do, but this was insulting and pointless and crude without being funny. An overweight girl makes love to a skinny guy, why is this funny? Because she is big? Is it such a hoot that someone who does not look like the topless bimbo's from central casting would have sex? This is sad, it speaks volumes about the people making this dreck. It would all be worth it if it were the slightest bit funny, just the slightest bit. The gags stretch on for eternity, a disturbed man holds a mouse over a hungry snake over and over and over again, telling it how it is going to die. Why is this funny? It's not. The whole cast seems to be on a forced march with full pack through one unfunny, pointless situation after another. After a while I felt like that mouse, I was held captive in this theater for 90+ minutes, it seemed like forever. I am surprised this waste of film got so many good reviews. I highly recommend a film from the very early 80's for those of you who enjoyed this. It is called "Porkeys," after suffering through "Road Trip" I am reminded of what a great film it really was.
Reviews
4 Reviews
Svengali
(1983 TV Movie)
Ya just gotta see this...ya just gotta!!!!!
27 April 2000
There are few things more entertaining then an unintentionally funny film. Very few. Fewer still are films that fall into this category. If a film is trying to be funny it is not unintentional now is it? This was supposed to be serious. This starred Peter O'toole and of course Ms. Foster. The two of them were still reeling from Calligula and Hinkley respectively and therefore were in no position to turn down work, at least that is what I keep telling myself. Svengali is the story of a singer, a female singer in a band called, get this "The restless nights." A talent scout is in the audience with the big time singing instructor (Otoole) when the nights come on, fronted by Jodie Foster, in all her glory. She sings. She really sings. No really...it's her...not someone else, she is belting out a number that must be heard to be believed, I will spare you the gory details of the lyrics, it suffices to say they were far from great. O'toole takes on the challenge of teaching the little songbird to sing. He works and works and finally says "tell the whole city" they run to the roof of the building and Foster sings on the roof. I am not making this up. She sings. EXACTLY THE SAME WAY SHE HAS BEEN SINGING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE OF THE FILM!!! Not one note has changed, but never mind that. Oh god..she hits number one...she starts an affair with Peter O'toole, her X boyfriend quips "I didn't know you were into wrinkles" AAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!! I am giving this film 10 stars, just like Showgirls. Foster is the greatest film actress ever. Ever Ever. This is one of the greatest bad films ever.....Ever....Ever....You just gotta see this...ya just gotta. PS look for Holly Hunter in this, if you can spot her E-mail me, you need to get a life.
A must see for any "Fosterphyle"
27 April 2000
I am a hard core Jodie fan, and therefore own this timeless gem of a film. It is the only film in the 70's which actually starred Jodie Foster. Really. Except for a couple of the Disney films, just a couple, she was, for the most part, a supporting actress throughout the whole of the decade. Not here. American International, the people who gave the world "Hot Rods to Hell" and "Wild in the Streets" made this little film a few years before it was released. Martin Sheen would have to be far in the jungle filming Apocalypse Now when this was released in 76 or 77. One suspects it was shelved prior to Ms. Fosters breakthrough performance in Taxi Driver. It is the dramatic mystery of a young girl with a terrible secret. More then that it is the story of child abuse. Wren (Fosters Character) was beaten very badly as young girl and therefore is without conscious or empathy. The film wimps out and cleans up the misdeeds of the heroine and makes her more of a victim then she should have been. There was much wrong in production as well. Foster actually walked out on the film when a pinheaded directors assistant told her she had to undress. Her sister, Connie, age 21, did stand in nude scenes which were tragically cut from the film. I recommend this to any and all of Jodies devoted followers, to others it may not have the same significance. You will see in the film, the roots of Clarice Starling, Sarah Tobias and indeed all of Fosters later characters.
Brokedown Palace
(1999)
My SO-Called Life Sentence
2 April 2000
Warning: Spoilers
This was the 5th worst film of 1999. Just the 5th. It was not good enough to be the worst. To do that it would have had to be memorable in some way. It would have to have stood out somehow. It does not. This film drags out on the screen and slowly rots away before our eyes. Oh the humanity! The most disturbing part of this film is the people who made it. These are honorable people. They did "The Accused" for crisake'! We expected more from you Mr. Kaplan. You too Claire, was Jodie watching? Did she put you up to this? Well, did she? Why Ms. Danes? Why? Why? Why? I sat in shocked horror at this and asked myself over and over again if it were really happening. Did they spend money on this? How much? What could have been done with this money? What other films were not made so we could have this...this waste of time, no not even that, this "waste of time lite." As I sat outside the women's correctional facility in Bangkok, in March of this year, I was still asking why. Why was I such a nut? Why would any halfway rational person obtain a passport...go to Thailand....wait outside the prison walls to visit a stranger based on a film they did not think was worth 100 minutes of there time? Oh God why? If you have read this far you already know the plot. You already know this film is rated PG-13. Now there is a spoiler...PG-13 for a prison movie. This must be a pretty tame prison. It is. It is the only prison in the world that, among other things, has a taxi service. That's right, our heroine gets fed up and stomps her little feet "were getting out of here" she squeals to Darlene, Darlene is doing sand sculpture by the way. She is into arts and crafts as well. Thank God for arts and crafts in Thai prisons, who would have thought? Yes, she walks up to a strange female guard "I want to talk to the guard who left the gate open" No problem. Now one might think that after leaving the gate open once before, the guards might remember to lock it this time, it is a prison after all. But no, after a $100.00 bribe (smuggled in a bra...A push up bra) the obliging guard leaves the gate open, "I need to go to the bathroom" Whines Darlene, off they go. But alas there brilliant plan goes awry somehow. It was such a good plan too. Just tippy toe out the front door in orange prison jammies with no money or passports, get into the waiting car, as I said they provide taxis in this prison, then go to...oh I don't know, somewhere where no one will notice two barefoot American girls in Orange Prison outfits trying to leave an Asian country. One might have thought about some of the obstacles that might have gotten in there way...like say THE OCEAN!!!!! now there is a little problem, that pesky ocean. Never mind that, they are caught, slapped in the face (the beasts) and made to sit in the corner and think about what they had done. That's right folks, attempted escape in Thailand gets ya a time out. Oh the horror! This still does not explain why I found it necessary to visit the prison there. You really should go. We all should. Every one on this page, damn it! Were going. Anyway, about the film. Yawn. Who cares? Surely not the writers or the director or the stars or anyone remotely connected with this wheezer. This film could have been good. If it was supposed to be about "two girls" (the working title) then it should have been about two girls. Not about building a fake Bangkok in Manila, or a soundtrack or disposable characters who wonder in and out of this film as though they were lost. If they wanted to do a silly movie with pretty cinematography for Claire Danes to stand in front of, why bother with a prison at all? Why not just have the girls squabble over a boy they both like and play up there economic differences, the class thing, why a prison, why a prison in Thailand? Why? Why? Oh why? Anyway, back to my going to Thailand. I was foolish enough to believe that the man who wrote the screen play was honest about the inspiration for this film. 15 girls like Claire and Kate all doing life in Thailand. That was enough for me. I had to go visit and do something. Well, I got there and found a different story. There were three American women serving time there. Three. Two were going home soon, one didn't feel like having a visitor. The one I spoke with was a strong, capable and fiercely independent women who took offense when I asked her how old she was. She will be out in two years, she will make it. I will only say that the people who made this mess were supposed to have interviewed prisoners there. The prisoners never heard of them. What is going on here? Anyway. If you want to join me on my "Return to Paradise" this summer E-mail me, were gonna have a blast. And no side trips to Hong Kong. I promise.
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