Reviews

Mr Alfred Salteena, "an elderly gentleman of forty-two", an ironmonger by trade, meets a young lady, Miss Ethel Monticue, on a train and promises to introduce her to the royals and nobles of his acquaintance if she comes to stay with him. What he doesn't tell her is that the sum total of his acquaintances is one, Lord Bernard Clark, who lives in a remote castle surrounded by portraits of his ancestors. Alfred engineers an invitation to stay with Lord Clark and Ethel is beside herself with excitement. Alfred soon realises that Bernard is much more the type of man Ethel is looking for, since he is after all a real Lord. Alfred wants to learn to be more suitable, and with Bernard's help, he begins training at Crystal Palace. The training regime is far from easy and some of the funniest and at the same time most poignant scenes are of Alfred's attempts to get it right. Things don't go according to plan, but it all turns out moderately all right in the end. No spoilers here, though. You'll just have to watch the film! The movie is a delight. If you like fairytales with a twist, you will enjoy the wonderful recreations of 9-year-old Daisy Ashford's idea of what the world looks like. And if you're a language person like me, you will be tickled by the dialogue. At 9 years old, Daisy Ashford must have been either an absolute darling or a real pain in the butt! Either way she created some very lovable characters and wrote a gem of a story.

"24" isn't meant to be analyzed and dissected. If its creators are to be believed, they made a lot of the storylines up as they went along. They didn't know who the second mole was when they started. They had several endings ready. So if they didn't even have it all planned out, what's the point to all the analysis? The series is a hit, its fans love it, those who hate it stopped watching "hours" ago and won't watch the second series, so who cares? The phrase "cult TV" is bandied about so much these days and seems to mean "a TV show whose repeats people actually watch". So what's wrong with that? Put it right up there with "The X-Files", "Friends" and "LA Law" if that's what makes it cult TV. I'll be watching the repeats the same as I did all through the first showing of the series. Remember "Twin Peaks"? This is going to go the same way, but without the cherry pie. Now what would be good for a "24" viewathon??

Frau Siebenstein owns a shop which buys and sells second-hand goods. The shop is also home to a raven called Rudi and a suitcase called "Suitcase". To say that they can both talk would be an understatement. They spend most of their time bickering like children but are the best of friends at heart. During the programme Frau Siebenstein uses something a customer has brought in or bought that day as inspiration for a story. Typically there is some kind of moral to the story but not always. I remember this programme being part of the Sunday afternoon slot for children - not being a child never stopped me from watching and thoroughly enjoying it. The programme has such a fireside feel about it. They don't seem to make things like that any more. What a shame.

Ah yes ... Loewenzahn! If you can get past Peter Lustig's slightly condescending manner (e.g. telling viewers to switch the TV off when his programme is over), this is one of the most enjoyable shows ever to be broadcast on German television. Peter is the eccentric, ecologically-minded, healthy-living caravan dweller (it's no ordinary caravan either: the stairs up to the roof are made of a series of chairs fitted to the side of the caravan and there is a talking guitar as a motion detector) whose mission in life is to get us all to care more about the world around us. His neighbour, Mr Paschulke, is the stereotype German homeowner with an excessively neat garden where nothing much will grow except his lawn - manicured of course - who despairs at the wilderness around Peter's caravan. He doesn't understand that human beings need nature and is forever trying to tame it - and to prove his neighbour wrong!

Loewenzahn chooses themes that show how important it is to understand nature in order to live a good, healthy life. It increases awareness among the youngest television viewers while imparting some fascinating snippets of knowledge. Did you know, for instance, that if a fly gets into your drink and you manage to fish it out, you should cover it with plain old table salt which will absorb the liquid in the fly's breathing tubes and it won't die? I've tried it - it works!

"Die Sendung mit der Maus" is so much a part of being a child in Germany! I spent almost 20 years living there - not as a child though - and absolutely adored this programme. It's one of those shows you can never see too often. The presenter, Amin Maiwald, has one of the most recognisable voices on German television - kids and adults alike love the way he makes even complex subjects palatable without ever being patronising. It's almost as if he has not forgotten what it's like to be the child with a million and one questions to ask. I'll never forget the ping-pong ball and mousetrap demonstration of how a chain reaction works, or how the stripes get into toothpaste, or how to measure the height of a tree. The programme always starts with a run-through of its themes, first in German, then in another language or dialect. Watch it with a group of children and get them to guess what the language is! The "serious" bits of the programme are always linked by little sketches involving the mouse, the elephant and sometimes the duck. Little gems of humour. The mouse clicking its eyes has to be heard to be believed! Enjoy!

This movie scared me. I don't mean the scenes of violence themselves, although they are sickeningly horrific to anyone but those of zero imagination, but the twists that Angela goes through trying to work out who she can and can't trust, the cold, steely logic of her professor ("It's the director's duty to give the public what they want") and the realisation that the film's message - that we all secretly want a glimpse at the "forbidden" world of snuff movies - is proved true by every single person who watches "Tesis". Chema tells Angela not to look, that it's awful - so she has to look. The TV station broadcasts a warning that the footage they are about to show is disturbing and they advise viewer discretion - and the patients in the hospital can't wait. My TV guide said a student stumbles across a snuff video and, despite my better judgement, I wanted to see the movie. Perhaps the knowledge that the scenes were staged was there in the back of my mind to protect me. What would any of us that watched "Tesis" do if someone offered to show us a real snuff movie?

I saw this movie when I was on the team of translators at the Oberhausen Short Film Festival in 1989. Once seen, the images of small children being herded through their daily routine at the orphanage cannot be forgotten. In 1989 the world was only just becoming aware of the horrific conditions children in orphanages in Eastern Europe were being subjected to - this film is one of the first and will always be one of the most upsetting. Nikolai Volev dispenses with a lot of dialogue and for the most part lets the black and white images do the narrating. So the children's screams at being hosed down with cold water are all the more harrowing for their silence.

The fact that the home's administrators allowed the film crew access to the workings of the orphanage is an indication of how "normal" they thought the institution was, which in itself is a horrific concept.

The staff have organised a celebration, presumably for the benefit of the film crew, but it only serves to underline the children's total bewilderment at anything that departs from their sad routine.

Cynics might contend that Volev used the plight of the children for his commercial and professional gain. I cannot believe he came away from Dom no. 8 the same man who went in. I challenge anyone to be unmoved by his documentary.

I first saw Ropaci in Oberhausen, Germany, when Jan Sverak entered it into the International Short Film Festival there and won the Till Eulenspiegel award for the best satirical film. It's a wonderful spoof documentary following a team on its quest for the oil gobbler, an animal that has evolved to be the perfect denizen of a polluted world. Loathed by the locals for its voracious habit of eating anything plastic, from wellington boots to the protective sleeves farmers put round their saplings to prevent them being eaten by other animals, the ropaci is an elusive specimen and has the team - and thus the audience - intrigued. Finally, they catch it on film - and then manage to capture a young one that they want to take back home with them. The perils of their journey from the pollution-ridden Bohemian basin back through the clean, fresh air of the forest prove too much for the little creature and they come up with an ingenious way of saving it. This is a very clever, very funny film that I would love to have a copy of so that I could watch it again. As with many good satires, there's a lot of serious thought behind what makes it funny. Jan Sverak is a genius. We should see more of his work outside his own country. If you ever get a chance to see this one, don't miss it!