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Reviews
The New Homeowner's Guide to Happiness (1987)
Quite funny with some great little snippets throughout
Not spectacular, but an amusing half hour or thereabouts... the comments on natural childbirth and the lassie scenes alone make it worth watching. The premise is that a young, married couple, she hugely pregnant, move into a neighborhood full of dog owners, many of whom are quite irresponsible about their dogs. Sleep deprivation ensues and that sets the stage for this dark comedy. Judge Reinhold is the central character and he does well as the nice, affable guy pushed past reason by noisy or aggressive dogs and that beast most feared by all sensible men: A hormonal, pregnant wife. This flick will be especially appreciated, not by dog lovers, but by those who must tolerate them.
Vampire Hookers (1978)
Fast Forward to the Credits
This is an absolutely horrible movie (though still better than both Queerwolf and On Deadly Ground (best use of Michael Caine's hair to sop up oil spills)). However, it is almost worth owning if you choose to just fast forward to the credits for the theme song. Any vampire movie with the line "Vampire hookers... they'll suck more than your blood" in it is worth putting next to your copy of A Polish Vampire In Burbank on your schlock shelf. There isn't much more to say about this movie except that it is very difficult to fill out ten lines of commentary about it that aren't merely "Ow... that hurt my brain" repeated over and over and over. Ow... that hurt my brain.
Prince of Foxes (1949)
Great Movie
I only get to see this when its on TV and have never yet had the pleasure of seeing the film in its entirety. Definitely one of Tyrone Powers' best performances, and a superb supporting cast. Surprising for Hollywood of the time (and for Hollywood of all time, actually), the flavor of the film and its characters are accurate to the time and place of the film's setting.
This film and Leslie Howard's "Pimpernel Smith" are two of the films I most regret lacking from my film library.
Why is this not on DVD? Why is Myra Breckinridge, On Deadly Ground, and Gigli? Proof positive that movie industry executive have their heads firmly inserted in warm, dark, and smelly place.
A New Leaf (1971)
Utter shame this is not on DVD
This is a brilliant romantic comedy featuring one of the finest performances ever by Walter Matthau. It is a thoughtful, clever, romantic and funny story, and moral. It is not only a classic, but follows the classic rules of The Poetics to provide thoroughly satisfying and cathartic entertainment.
This movie should not languish in obscurity. It is very sad that so much trash makes it onto DVD yet films like A New Leaf, The Million Pound Note, No Time For Serjeants, The Snow Goose, Prince of Foxes, Viva Max!, The Wrong Box, What's So Bad About Feeling Good, Texas Across the River, 'Pimpernel' Smith, Becket, The Cheyenne Social Club, The Devil's Disciple, A Big Hand For the Little Lady, Situation Hopeless.. But Not Serious, and the like are out of circulation on both VHS and DVD.
A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1983)
Rancid Limburger with a single redeeming feature.
Unlike the other rancid cheese from the same (I hesitate to call them this) filmmakers, Queerwolf, A Polish Vampire in Burbank is worth watching for the "Judo for Jesus" sequence.
While I do love camp vampire movies, this flick is too lowbrow for camp. If you are looking for quality camp in a vampire flick, stick with Innocent Blood or Buffy, The Vampire Killer. But when you already have a sixpack in you and a have your cardboard silhouette of Joel and the robots situated in front of the TV screen and feel hungry for some truly stinky cheese, then A Polish Vampire in Burbank with its Judo for Jesus and The Vampire Hookers (absolutely dreadful, but the song during the credits is hilarious) is for you.
Gymkata (1985)
This used to be my litmus test for if I wasted my $ at the movies
If I could say it was better than Gymkata, I at least felt my money was not totally wasted.
Then I saw Steven Segal's On Deadly Ground.
This movie should see a resurrection though on MST 3K. If Santa Claus Conquers the Martians could make Tom Servo's head explode, one wonders what mayhem this movie could cause.
There is a very good reason why Kurt Thomas never had a movie career.
The writers of this dreck should be forced to wear placards every day of their lives that say "Bitch slap me! I was a writer on Gymkata."
The Man in the Iron Mask (1998)
Sharing a title of a novel by Dumas and some character names but nothing else.
This appalling piece of dreck is an insult to Alexandre Dumas. It bears no resemblance to the novel and is one more piece of evidence to support the assertion that the majority of people in the film industry are illiterate asses. The 1970's Three and Four Musketeers were so true to the spirit of Dumas' work, it is sad to see this awful departure from his excellent novel. The attribution to Dumas in the film should have read: Using a title of a novel by Dumas and some of the same character names in that novel, but bearing no resemblance to any aspect of his works beyond that. The sole redeeming feature of this bucket of pus was Depardieu's Porthos. It is a pity it could not have been performed in a work more accurately resembling what Dumas had written.
Re-Animator (1985)
Tilsit, Nearly Limburger.
This cult classic is one of the cheesiest and most darkly humorous horror flicks ever made. It has some of the most macabre funny scenes ever put on film. Why the dreadful and lackluster "Bride of ReAnimator" is available on DVD and this is not is beyond me. If you enjoyed Ken Russel's "The Lair of the White Worm" or the Rami's "Army of Darkness", you'll love this cheese-fest of a movie. Like most pungent cheeses, its best with alcoholic beverages!
The Legend of Robin Hood (1975)
Simply the best film treatment of the Robin Hood legend to date!
It is a crime that this series is not available on DVD or VHS. It is simply the best treatment of the Robin Hood legend that has yet been put on film. The acting was superior, costuming very good, and it both sought and succeeded in telling a very credible tale of Robin of Locksley. This is the only Robin Hood film adaptation that I can recommend besides "Robin and Marion", and I think this a better dramatic work.
Sommarnattens leende (1955)
Not your typical Bergman film...
Charming, light-hearted, delicate, and romantic are not the terms most people think to use when describing Bergman films, and yet "Smiles of a Summer Night" is all of these. This is one of the most sophisticated romantic movies ever filmed, and a pure delight. It is a clever and witty romance based on the classic elements of French farce. Simply wonderful.