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Reviews
Absence (2013)
Stop with stupid found footage lameness
I hated Blair Witch. I totally hate found footage movies. It' s the absolute bottom of the barrel for movie plots. Just plain lazy.
If anybody EVER sat there, filming everything when catastrophic events were happening, I'd take their camera away from them, put it in a pillow case and beat them to death with it.
Such an unreal plot, inane, weak, and lame.
Here's EVERY found footage movie...(Screaming)...(Shaking camera)...running...grunts....(more shaking camera).
Stop it already.
Don't be lazy. Put some effort into the movie for Pete's sake.
Here's an idea. If you can't think of a good story, can't find people who can act, and have only $5 for a budget DON'T MAKE A MOVIE.
The Rift (1990)
Horrible....ly good
This is one of those so bad it's good movies. Totally reminded me of the American International adventure movies from the 60s and 70s with the rubber monsters, puppets, and low quality practical special effects.
Only thing it was missing was Doug McClure.
Loved it! So entertaining.
Reminded me of The Land That Time Forgot, People That Time Forgot, At the Earth's Core, Last Dinosaur, and Warlords of Atlantis.
If you are a fan of 60s/70s adventure movies, Jules Verne, H. G. Wells, Edgar Rice Burroughs, etc. Or just movies that are so bad they're great, give it a try.
Personally, I'm going to look for it on DVD to add to my collection.
Abduction of the Fourth Kind (2022)
Yuck. Awful...just awful.
This movie is terrible. Right from the get-go, the acting is so very bad and then .... seriously?!? Dollar store alien rubber masks? Come on! Now if a movie is made bad on propose to be funny, it's one thing, but when you can tell they're trying to be an actual movie but are just really bad at it, that's another story.
And sadly, this story.
Every time I pick a movie because the cover "looks cool" I regret it. This time was no exception.
The thing that really gets me is all the awards listed on the cover. Not sure how that happened, but I have zero faith in those outfits that have it rave reviews.
At the Mountains of Madness (2021)
I can't stand zero budget butchery of HPL
I really wish all these zero budget, low quality indie outfits would leave Lovecraft stories alone. There are too many awful HPL screenplays out there already. And so many that are just really bad...like this one.
If you're a movie purist and just want to see an HPL movie and you don't care how bad it is, you may like this one. Some people do seem to love awful indie films. I don't. They make me angry. If I wanted horrid movies, I'd watch the SciFi channel.... Which I don't.
You'd be better off watching Black Mountain Side, though. It's a really similar story, indie, low budget and watchable.
Rapture (2019)
Just plain bad
I can't think of a good thing to write about this movie. The special effects are almost worse than SciFi channel movies.....which is saying a lot.
The acting is terrible. It's just a plain awful movie. Much of the occurences don't work if the nature of the movie is what it is supposed to be.
But, you gotta take it for what it is...a low budget movie made by some church group to push some religious ideology. Not made by an actual movie making outfit.
Don't get me wrong, there are some really good religious movies out there. Some mega movie classics. This just isn't one of them. Not by a long shot.
Two Face: The Grey (2020)
Sucktacular
Poorly made, poorly documented, based on nonsense. The type of "footage" this movie is based on is the ultra phoney type of footage that gives UFO research a bad name and makes it all look like a big joke.
Besides, WHO would send what would be "game changing" information to a nobody, super low budget documentary film maker?
Nobody, that's who.
And THAT is why there are these documentaries that waste people's time. Because actual film makers and UFO researchers wouldn't have even the main footage this is based on the time of day.
The still used for the streaming source was obviously clickbait and the ONLY decent pictures/ footate in this film were not relevant to this documentary. They were stolen from good documentaries and randomly put her and there in it just so there was decent content.
Lovecraft Country (2020)
Engaging
Kinda wish the dream sequence at the beginning was more indicative of the movie, but nonetheless, it is an awesome series. Peele does awesome work yet again. I can't wait to see tge new Twilight Zone.
The title caught me, because I like the Lovecraftian outre horror.....but this is based on the novel.....NOT written by Lovecraft. That doesn't make it not Lovecraftian by any means. Just not what an HPL fan might be looking for.
Still it caught me and kept me. The characters are engaging, the acting top notch, and the storyline keeps you binge watching.
The racism it contains might make some people uncomfortable...and it should. This is what happened and STILL happens to black people even in this modern day and age, so yes, it should cause discomfort. It adds to the horror, showing the human monsters as well as creepy crawly monsters... both of which are things of nightmares.
I'm all caught up, waiting for the next episode and hoping for more seasons.
Ad Astra (2019)
Slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Not sure what I expected, but this was just shy of a cure for insomnia.
High budget, great acting, good special effects (except the normal walking on the moon and mars....um....?).
Overall, what a trudge-along.
A more appropriate title would have been Bore Boringa.
Annihilation (2018)
Don't know why it did so bad in the box office
First off, I just have to say (cough cough) "Color out of Space"....but hey, who didn't HPL influence?
It was a great movie. Great acting, great visual effects. I have nothing negative to say about it.
And, who doesn't like a high budget Lovecraftian movie?
Trailer Park Boys (2001)
Revamped review
Ever have a night where you just can't find anything to watch, so you think "well, everybody at work said I should watch this. I tried once and didn't like it, but I'll try again"?
Well, wound up really liking this show, so I changed my rating and revamped my review.
It is original, creative, and really funny. You get caught up in the only bad luck, blundering escapades of the crew of "can't get rights". I can see why it got so many seasons.
Doom: Annihilation (2019)
Movie makers never learn
Why make a movie based off a source (any, be it abook, comic book, video game, etc.) and then make it absolutely nothing like the source? Did the horrible rating and reviews of that last abortion named DOOM not teach you anything? So, why did the same formula get used again?!?
Did the dork who made this second piece of garbage EVER even look at online pictures of DOOM? I'm guessing "no", because, beyond the name, there was nothing DOOM related in the movie.
Pay attention, idiot film makers. DOOM is about Mars being a gateway to hell. It is NOT another stupid zombie virus movie of which there is already wayyyyyy too many. Demons NOT zombies. No stupid virus, no blue skinned neck biters.
If you want to add yet another overused zombie movie to the mountains of crappy existing zombie movies, just make a stinking zombie movie and don't fill DOOM fans with hope, only to piss them off. Because, duh, the majority of people that will watch a DOOM movie is fans of the game.
This movie SUCKED. I hated it even more than that last one, which I really hated.
The Dark Tower (2017)
So disappointed
I understand you can't take 8 Stephen King sized books and smash them into a movie. That's as far as my allowance for "artistic license" goes.
The rest of me wonders why you want to do a screenplay for a book if you plan on making it nothing like the book, yet claiming it IS that story? Seems very unwise because even an idiot should know that will piss off fans of the book and subsequently 75%+ of the box office watchers.
I really hope movie makers pay attention to reviews.
The only thing this movie shared with the books is the character names and that Roland is a gunslinger.
I liked the acting. Idris is brilliant in every role he plays. Matthew also did a great job as the cagey, evil, Walter. So it had all the makings of a great movie...but for me personally, it just left the path too far.
i hope Nikolaj wises up if he plans on any sequel(s), because there's time. The first book was slow and about halfway through the second the story took off and I was hooked. So, stick with the story and leave your own telling for a story YOU come up with. Read some reviews. Fans of stories hate screenplays that change the story too much. I mean, Duh. A story gets popular for a reason. Why would you make it a different story?!?
Hostel (2005)
Okayyyy.......
Well, this one falls smack dab in the middle of the, "did I like it or not" zone. On one side, it had a sort of fresh spin on gorefest films with the underground snuff-nightclub setup, but on the other hand, the story was so like the old 70s gore-revenge films like, "I Spit on Your Grave" and "Last House on the Left", that it was predictable and upsetting just for upsetting sake.
I think that if they wouldn't have made it so much like a highschool sexfest-slasher film, it would have been more believable and much darker.
As it is, I may have to cancel my hedonism trip to Germany, Prague, and the Ukrane, now.
The Ringer (2005)
Nope
Without trying to get all artsy-fartsy, I'll try to sum it up. I was thinking this looked really funny....but it wasn't. Johnny Knoxville needs to stay a supporting actor, because he sooo doesn't have what it takes to play the lead (at least not in this film). Not to sound holier than thou,, or claim I'm not going to hell for laughing at my share of inappropriate things, but all the handicapped people jokes got old really quick.
The movie did have a positive spin, and all ended up rosy in a way, but I just think this movie isn't what you're expecting, and shouldn't have been marketed as "Uproariosuly Funny". If you want a date movie (aka love story) and are going to rent it with someone who isn't sensitive to disable people knocks, so ahead, but if you are looking to get lots of laughs, get another movie.
BloodRayne (2005)
Weak
I wasn't even aware that they made a movie from this game.
And they shouldn't have.
The game is cool, the movie is not. It's amazing that the movie is full of big name actors and actresses, but hey must have based their acting skills on the budget....which must have been really low. And what is up with the leading role? I mean the character in the game if fierce, deadly, and super hot. The one in the movie (was in Terminator 3, but) kind of seemed like a clumsy, scared wimp in this movie. I think Michelle Rodriguez should have played the leading role.....or maybe somebody else.
The acting? Peeeeee-yoooouuuuuuuu! I've seen better acting made fun of on MST3K for sucking so bad. And nice fake mullet on the main good guy.
All the gore me laugh so hard, I shot pop out my nose. I haven't seen so much red food coloring and Karo syrup used since the Evil dead movies (and I in no way meant to compare this stinker to those movies).
On second thought, maybe I should have drank beer, so that I would have been pacified by the gore and the one boob-shot.
To summarize, if you are a big vampire fan, goth freak, or just have to see all the vampire movies, you might want to watch it. Otherwise, don't bother.
Silent Hill (2006)
Likable
Well, I'm a HUGE Silent Hill video game fan. that stuff is the darkest, creepiest, nuff-said. The movie I have been looking forward to forever. Unfortunately, I couldn't see it until it came out on DVD. Well......here goes...
If you're a big fan of the game, you may not like the movie as they scrambled up the story, trying to Hollywoodize it (what's new?), not that that's that big of a deal, just playwrite geeks should stick with what's there, instead of trying to make it theirs. The thing that annoyed the hell out of me is WHERE WAS ALL THE STINKING MONSTERS?!?!?!? I mean, come on, that game is full of the creepy-crawliest nightmares you ever saw, and all the movie was was, "blah blah blah, story, blah blah blah, trying to pull you into the character's lives". Now, this is based on a game where you bash in everything's heads with steel pipes, running from demons in a hell on earth setting, until you get a weapon good enough to fight really big monsters. Okay, so why was that left out? I'll tell you...Hollywood geeks.
Here's the spoiler: The guy with the head like a train cowcatcher was one of the coolest villains in the game, and they had enough sense to put him in the movie......but, not enough sense to give him any time. he was just stuck in enough to keep you from getting more interested in your popcorn. Dorks. Finally, they had the zombie nurses and what? Only about 20 seconds?!?!?! Okay, enough whinning. I did like the movie, don't get me wrong. It has some good special effects, and maybe even filled in some of the story line lost in all the action of the game....but who cares? Overall, I rate it worth watching, but somebody really needs to whip some Hollywood geek (censored) so they stop ruining stories. If we want a tender, heart-ripping, love/drama, we'll watch On Golden Pond or some such crap, am I right guys?