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Labyrinth (1986)
Labyrinth sags too much in the middle
Labyrinth features incredible set design and puppetry. The world is consistently magical and darkly beautiful. Unfortunately, the film sags deeply in the middle.
With only a couple of exceptions, the dozens of creatures all share the same squeaky and shrill voice that gets increasingly grating as the movie goes on. The script also steadily declines until the final sequence. Even during the worst parts of Labyrinth, there's still a lot of fantastic things to look at, but I just felt like putting the movie on mute.
There's an incongruity in Labyrinth between the themes and the presentation: the themes are clearly intended to resonate with young teens, but the movie frequently plays out like a cartoon for young children (there is one overly-long sequence dedicated to toilet humour, and a lot of weightless slapstick violence, as a couple of examples). As a children's film, I wouldn't recommend it because of the sexual content, and as a teen movie, I wouldn't recommend it because of its childishness.
Labyrinth stands as an achievement in design and practical effects technique, but as a story it is severely lacking in plot, characters, dialogue, pacing, and cohesiveness.
Inception (2010)
Exposition: The Movie
Inception spends more time explaining the rules of its universe than any other piece of fiction I've ever experienced, except maybe an Assassin's Creed video game. I enjoyed Inception but I think watching it again would be torture. Here's an idea: Inception Drinking Game. Every time Joseph Gordon Levitt opens his mouth for the sole purpose of explaining the mechanics of the film's main device, take a shot.
Magnolia (1999)
Very complex but not very deep
Magnolia is a very long and complex movie. It contains many themes and issues but it doesn't explore them with much depth. Magnolia ended without giving any new perspectives on its themes. It did leave me bored and impatient. It's impossible not to think when watching Magnolia, why not tackle half these themes, explore them more thoughtfully, say something, ask some questions, and do it in two hours?
There are at least three movies contained in Magnolia. Some of the stories are captivating while others are one-dimensional and weightless. Julianne Moore threatens to sink the whole ship with her soap opera-level portrayal of a drug addict with almost-zero characterization. In stark contrast, the characters played by John C. Riley and Tom Cruise could have been entire movies unto themselves.
Multiple characters are set up as "bad people" but then the "twist" is that they were abused as children. But as a movie about child abuse, Magnolia has nothing to say at all. Two characters confess that they cheated on their spouses in long monologues. But is Magnolia about infidelity? I don't think so. Is Magnolia about regret? Yes, it's about that, and guilt, parenting, child abuse, substance abuse, law enforcement and crime, honesty, dating, death and dying, child prodigies, show business, unlikely coincidences, loneliness, it never ends!
Magnolia is very intense and melodramatic. I don't think intensity and melodrama are substitutes for pathos and insight. The meta-narrative about coincidences and interconnected lives is self-indulgent and self-congratulatory. Magnolia is only bearably watchable from beginning to end because of a few strong performances and excellent cinematography and editing.
Ingmar Bergman apparently like this film. Well, if you want a movie about imperfect fathers, check out Bergman's Wild Strawberries. It's way better, and it doesn't have three music videos in it, and it's not over three hours long.
Rabid (1977)
Non-essential Cronenberg
Too similar to Shivers, which has superior special effects and builds tension with more skill. Of the nine Cronenberg features I've seen, Rabid is easily the worst.
Rabid contains a scene that denigrates Native Canadians for no point other than a cheap and lousy gag.
Stalker (1979)
Much too slow and too long
Stalker contains great visuals, and its treatment of its themes are interesting and beautiful; the film asks big questions and gives no simple or didactic answers. However, all of what it wants to say it could have said with an hour less of run time. It is perhaps the slowest film I've ever seen. Unfortunately I did not find the film to be meditative, just overly long, and at times, utterly interminable. I think if Stalker was more tightly edited it could be a very beautiful and captivating film.
Be aware that this is not a science fiction film, but a philosophical and psychological allegory.
The Untouchables (1987)
A silly cartoon compared to other crime dramas
This film has no weight, no gravitas, no pathos, just a lot of shooting and bloodshed. The general tone of the movie is one of gleeful carnage, like a cartoon come to life. The score triumphantly soars as bodies hit the floor. Before watching The Untouchables, watch all the other great crime dramas first.
Insomnia (2002)
A decent modern Hitchcock-style movie
Strong performances, a captivating central conflict, and beautiful landscapes of Canada. Distracting plot holes take away from the experience: Pacino's character gets around Alaska as if he knows the state like the back of his hand. The ending is a dumb shoot-out. It's a disappointing conclusion for sure.
Batoru rowaiaru (2000)
A so-so exploitation movie
WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE AND THE BOOK
- Anime-style gun battles: people get shot dozens of times and suffer no ill effects, except the one bullet delivered after a "cool" or "gut-punching" line of dialogue.
- Due to the sheer amount of crushes there is hyper-inflation in the value of romance in this movie. In other words, if everyone is love with everyone else then there is actually zero meaningful romance in the movie.
- Interesting characters die quickly while boring characters survive. Interesting characters never fight against interesting characters, its always Boring vs Interesting. Imagine if Sickle Girl had to confront the heroes, or if Bleach Haired Guy had any characterization other than deadly guy who teleports around the island. You never think to yourself, "Oh no, two characters I'm rooting for are fighting each other!"
- Just pick two or three relationships with backstories! There's no point in squeezing an entire backstory between two characters in 90 seconds before they kill each other! Forget half of these stories! Take Track Suit Girl, build up the story -- ending with her stabbing her attempted rapist in the dick -- and make it bigger!
- The acting is awful. Every time a character does their death soliloquy and pantomimes dying it was laughable, especially Beat Takeshi! Who is supposed to be good!
- The use of classical music is the definition of pretentious: it shoots for deep meaning and falls flat on its stupid face. If its supposed to be a humorous juxtaposition then - no, this movie totally lacks humour and is entirely self-serious.
- There is no meaning in the movie. A statement on older generations abusing and destroying the futures of their children, this movie is not. This movie is about screaming and arterial spray. (In the book, Japan is a dystopian country ruled by a totalitarian government. The winner of the Battle Royale receives an income and an apartment for life. These two details give the work enough meaning to push it past the threshold from "exploitation film" to "John Carpenter-level commentary")
- As an exploitation film there are no memorable heroes or villains, just a couple of cool deaths, no stand out special FX, a lame-duck twist (Beat Takeshi was stabbed in the butt and that's when he decided to become... a lame dude...). IIRC the book's climatic battle is with characters lobbing grenades at each other while in a car chase. Probably outside this movie's budget :(
They Live (1988)
Very flat and lifeless
The core message is one I agree with, too bad this movie lacks in all the fundamentals. This is one of the flattest movies I've ever seen.
Rody Piper and Meg Foster are terrible. There are so many reaction shots of Piper where he puts on a thousand-yard stare. Thank god for Keith David! If not for him I don't think I could finish the movie.
There is one piece of the flattest, dullest "blues" music that just keeps playing over and over and over again. It changes slightly here and there but it seriously feels like 50% of the film is set to the same eight bars of music.
The heroes win by being totally impervious to gunfire, accept the one time they get shot and die, because otherwise there wouldn't be a conclusion to the story, I guess. So much of the movie is the heroes running down hallways and shooting frantically at the bad guys while the bad guys spray them back and hit nothing.
Piper's character just seems to stumble from scene to scene. He literally falls through a hole to find the alien's lair. He never comes up with a plan other than, "run and shoot the aliens." No explanation is given for how his character obtained his action star abilities.
Plot holes:
The aliens recruit a homeless man to be one the co-conspirators in their regime. This is after we see the aliens tear down an entire shanty town of homeless people. What the aliens get out of having this homeless person as an ally, I have no idea. This character's return not only is a plot hole, it totally goes against the themes and spirit of the film.
The protagonist succeeds by shooting the alien's broadcasting dish. The one dish they have that they use to control all of the people's perceptions in LA. There's no backup plan if, for whatever reason, the aliens loose their one dish. And these guys have faster-than-light space travel.
Tetsuo (1989)
A strong film in the Body Horror genre
Tetsuo: The Iron Man is about a man deeply insecure about his sexuality. In his nightmare his girlfriend terrorizes and ultimately rapes him with her evil snake penis. When he awakens they have sex, and he is fully in control. During the penis drill sequence his is overcome with rage and lust, but in the end the Girlfriend defeats him. She straddles him: now she is in control of the sexual situation. Later, he finds himself fighting with, and ultimately united with the Metal Fetishist as they romantically float in the nude in their shared cocoon. At the conclusion the Salary Man is one with his new male partner, and he is the bottom portion. As he moans out words he drools semen-like fluid. He has literally become a penis; he has become comfortable with his sexuality.
That's my quick and dirty interpretation. The film indulges in its action sequences and its plot twist, and the sex stuff is obviously tongue-in-cheek: the penis drill is in equal parts a poetic symbol and a hilarious gag.
Most of the sequences could be cut by a couple of minutes and the film would be better for it. Overall I recommend the film. Sometimes I wonder what Lynch or Cronenberg film would be like if all the "normal" stuff was removed. This is what you'd get! 67 minutes of fury, sex, and furious sex.