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Reviews
The Watch (2020)
Why?
This review is just my opinion. If you like this kind of thing, go right ahead and watch it, but to me, this is just a mess of a show.
I'm not a fan of musical numbers in tv shows, and really don't understand the need some showruners have to shoehorn a musical episode or two into a series, just because.
For that reason, the many musical numbers showed willly nilly into episodes of this sereis just turns me off the entire thing.
I also think that this isn't made with a man in his forties in mind, but aimed at a younger audience, but it still comes off as the kind of forced hipness that older generations use to show that they're still cool and hip when talking to younger people. It just comes off as condescending and missing the mark.
The show also suffers from the same flaw as many other american comedies do, the need to force the punchlines down your throat, because, god forbid ythat they expect any semblance of thought from their audience. If you have to explain your jokes in detail, you strip them of any humour they might have had to begin with. Stop thinking your audience are morons.
The Watch: Nowhere in the Multiverse (2021)
When writers give up
I've tried to follow this series since it started, because I'm a fan of Pratchetts work and one thing has become more and more clear as the show hjas moved along; the writers have no goddamn idea what they're doing.
The will and ability to try to tell a coherent story has left them at this point, it seems, because now there's just random scenes happening while the story totters along off screen, away from the interference of the characters supposed to be in it.
The only way to enjoy this would be to know nothing of the books and to be stoned out of your gourd.
Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020)
Another "Meh" DC movie
Why is it that DC is unable to make good movies? Apart from one or two notable exceptions most of them range from "boring" to "Ok" and so does this one.
This movie wants to be Deadpool. It wants it soooo bad, but it fails. It's rated R, but it still looks and feels more like Batman and Robin than Deadpool.
This seems to be another movie that doesn't know if it wants to be campy and fun, or gritty with dark humour, so they went "Why not both?" and the result is this.
Now, to be honest, Harley Quinn and the Birds of Prey are characters I know little about, apart from the comics I vaguely recall a TV series about them, so I haven't got any relationship with the characters that might have helped me enjoy this movie more. Fans of the characters might see things differently.
All in all, it's a movie that didn't manage to keep my interest, but there are some pretty colours in it and I didn't turn it off in disgust (Did start to read a book to keep myself entertained while I watched it, though), so I'll give it 4/10.
Revenge (2017)
Blood, more blood, some bleeding followed by blood.
This is an 80's b movie with a larger budget. Nothing more, nothing less. There is no plot, scenes are barely tied together by dreams and halucinations, all wounds are wormholes to an unknown dimension filled entirely by blood and pain is something that doesn't exist in the desert. Until it does. But then it suddenly doesn't again.
Also, saranwrap is a perfect substitute for bandages and hospitals.
Does this review make sense? No? Good. Then it captures the tone of the movie perfectly.
Inhumans (2017)
The hell did I just watch?
If you like stuff like Sinbad, Legend of the Seeker or Iron Fist, then you might not suffer too horribly when watching this. But if you, on the other hand, appreciate plot, subtlety and decent fight-choreography, you might as well spare yourself the suffering you'll feel when watching this. When you have a character who's entire shtick is the ability to make plans and calculate odds to the extent that it seems like he's able to manipulate his personal timeline and you make him slip off a cliff, hurt his head and afterwards lose the ability to plan anything, you're off to a bad start. Add in fights that have people throwing punches and kicks at the speed of molasses all the while claiming that they are badasses, and you've got a mess on your hands. All this could have been forgiven if they'd just inject a bit of humour and lightheartedness into it, but it's somber and serious and tries to come off as thoughtful and intellectual. The only problem is it seems to think that its audience are morons and beats you over the head with the points its trying to make, just in case you are mentally challenged and need to be spoon-fed every little bit of information. Just skip this snoozefest.
Disjointed (2017)
Not worth it.
OK. Number one: Laugh track. Seriously? What are they thinking? It kills any and all traces of humour that might lurk in this crappy show. Number two: How about trying to write some jokes before filming this mess? It seems like the people behind this just thought that "F*** it. They're stoners. THey'll laugh at a couch as long as there's a laugh track in the background." It's as total waste of time and effort and the only thing you're served is cheap, played out gags that hasn't worked for the last thirty years with pot-references thrown in just to pretend to be edgy and modern. THe whole thing just doesn't work, the actors are bored out of their skulls and if any of them have ever had any experience with cannabis, it wasn't recently. Avoid at all cost!
Alone (2015)
The stress of dealing with yourself.
I've always been a sucker for survival shows, but the newer shows tend to focus too much on the sensational than what one actually needs to do in a survival situation. Les Stroud being the exception. THat's why this show was a positive surprise for me when I started watching it. I was expecting a show more in the lines of Survivor or something like that, but instead I got a show where each man is pitted not against the other contestants, but against himself and his skills or lack thereof. It was interesting to watch how the guys dealt with the wildlife, climate and the need to build, from scratch, a home in the wilderness. It also helped that the climate on Vancouver Island is much the same as where I live, minus the large predators, so it was extra fascinating since this showed the rigors of trying to live off the land in an area that's damp or wet most of the time. The simple task of making a fire, keeping stuff dry and keeping warm is made that much harder when everything's damp.And all this done by guys that easier to relate to than Bear Grylls. THey seemed like guys you'd meet at the local pub or at work, but with just that little bit of extra interest in survival and the outdoors Another key thing that kept me watching was that you could see their struggle to keep, well, not sane, but motivated to tough it out when the trip back to civilization was just a phone call away. Back to the family and friends and the modern creature comforts. So, all in all an amusing show that actually managed to teach me a few tricks along the way.
Supergirl (2015)
Not for me
I write this knowing full well this show was not made for someone my age, and I've only seen the first episode. I won't go into the plot, or lack thereof, I just want to ask why I'm reminded of William Shatner when I watch the fightscenes. Come on, she's supposed to be a superhero, but her fists travel at the speed of smell and she moves like her joints don't work properly. At least some of the budget of a superhero show should be spent on fightchoreography. The cgi also needs a drastic upgrade, because what was shown in this episode was not good. I know that this might have been fixed in later episodes, but I doubt it.
The 100 (2014)
Why?
OK, I know expecting rational decisions from TV characters is demanding a lot, but sending a 100 untrained juvenile criminals to see if earth is safe? Come on. And the kids themselves couldn't be stupider if they tried. They are, quite literally, to dumb to survive. Only a couple of them are even remotely likable, and one of them is a tiny girl who kills one of the others to sleep better at night. You get the totalitarian anarchist dude("I don't want any rules, just do everything I tell you!"), the absurdly liberal girl and, of course, the maverick rule-breaker. The token black main character gets offed in the third episode, and he's all the better for it. I have wasted about two hours of my life on this crap, and I would suggest that you guys don't. Do something better with your time, like recreational cat herding, or DIY scrotum-piercing. Both will be more rewarding and less painful.
My Bloody Valentine (2009)
Close, but no cigar(aw, hell, who am I kidding. Not EVEN close)
!Contains spoilers! I remember seeing the old version when I was a kid, and it scared the crap out of me. So when I found out a remake was in the works, and a 3D version to boot, I was mildly enthusiastic. Now I know that movies that scared you as a kid don't always do the same later on, so I watched it again. Not quite as scary as I remembered, but still worth the time and effort. And so we come to the remake. I know that suspension of disbelief is a key to enjoying horror flicks, and usually this is no problem for me, but come on!
#1 Running naked around a motel parking lot?
#2 Not being able to remember that, indeed I do have a fire alarm handy,until after the pick-Axe wielding psycho has eviscerated your coworker?
#3 I am indeed an old fart that the psychopath wants dead, how shall I defend myself? I know I'll drink myself into oblivion with an unloaded shotgun! top hat, old boy! And when I hear something suspicious, I'll load said gun, walk outside, find nothing, grumble about jumping at shadows, then UNLOAD the ¤%#¤@ shotgun and go back inside to be slaughtered!
#4 What's this?!?! Another old fart with the possibility of being on the list of the happy miner? I DO have a loaded gun, and police-backup, but I need not these fancy trappings of this modern age when I hear funny noises outside in the dark. I will face the killer and smite him with my ability to tremble before him and prove that incontinence diapers really, really work when he rips my jaw off.
There are more, but I'm getting depressed thinking bout this movie. At least the old one had some attempts at humor on the way down the mineshaft
Legend of the Seeker (2008)
The pain!!!
Why? Why, Terry? I mean if you're this hard up for cash, I could have lent you a few bucks. There was no need to whore yourself out like this. I've read all of the books in the Sword of truth series, and I liked them. Not the best fantasy ever written, but that's beside the point.
The show looked promising as far as scenery, outfits and actors( as long as they stood very still and didn't open their mouths) went, but then the plot started to play out. And I'm using the word Plot in the loosest possible sense. I understand the need to make the show a little different from the books, but the result that's been aired bears no resemblance to the books at all. But I could have lived with that if they'd managed to make something watchable and entertaining. Instead we get a show that combines the stellar qualities of such shows as Xena, Hercules and Sinbad. There's only enough left of the books to lure unsuspecting Terry Goodkind fans to try and watch it, a name, some of the places and some of the animals.
In short this heap of utter, utter, utter crap should be avoided by all. And I do mean all. No use saying that this might be entertaining for people who haven't read the books, because it isn't. Unless you're under the age of 10 or a patient in a head-trauma unit. (Not sure about the last bit. Even if I were in a coma, and someone put this on to entertain me, I'd have gotten up and shut it off.)