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Reviews
Vampires vs. the Bronx (2020)
The single star is for Ms. Coco Jones
As I was made to watch this work against my own will, I was consequently hostile towards it all the way through. Looking back, though, I'm rather sure I would've been hostile to it either way.
"Vampires vs. The Bronx" is the story of three friends and their crusade against the vampires who try to invade, you guessed it, The Boogie Down Bronx. This premise is enough to inspire a few laughs; the execution, on the other hand, is so cliched and lifeless that any humor beyond a few generous chuckles. At that.
The aforementioned three friends are Miguel Martinez (Jaden Michael), Bobby Carter (Gerald Jones III), and Luis Acosta (Gregory Díaz IV); Bronx kids who spend their free time at the skate park or the local bodega, ran by the beloved Tony (The Kid Mero). Everyone's disturbed by the neighborhood's rapid pace of gentrification... the sudden appearance of white faces and businesses in "el barrio" is enough to keep everyone's mind off the frequent and mysterious local disappearances! The hand behind these disappearances, as well as the gentrification, are of course the titular vampires.
These vampires are white, pale, blonde, vicious, and did I mention white? How SUBTLE.
Ugh! I can go on, but why the hell would I? I have nothing against "woke" horror (I quite like Get Out), but this was just miserable. I will just say I have not been quite so tremendously disappointed about a movie in a long time.
(P.S. Coco Jones, in her supporting role as Miguel's love interest, Rita, is a bright spot.)
Tijuana Jackson: Purpose Over Prison (2018)
Quite horrible
"Tijuana Jackson: From Prison to Promise," is one part mockumentary, one part social commentary, and completely unwatchable. From the trailer, one might gather that this is a raunchy-yet-heartfelt black comedy about an ex-con with wild dreams; what we wind up with is a crude and frankly boring feature that runs about an hour and a half too long. This might've played better as a series of YouTube shorts. Or perhaps shouldn't have been made at all.
There is a lot of talking. And I mean a lot. A lot of talking and cursing, rapping and smoking, driving and yelling, etc. And helicopters. I am not quite sure what this movie's purpose was: is this a comedy, a character study, or a serious attempt to depict life after prison? (the early prison scenes are SOMEWHAT amusing, but when Tijuana goes out into the outside world, things get gritty and depressing QUICK)
Tijuana is played by Romany Marco, who is also the director. Marco has been good before, but his performance as Tijuana is frankly appalling. Tijuana is loud, conceited, and unlikeable; at least, Marco plays him that way. His mother is decrepit and ailing. His sister is trashy and hostile. His young nephew ("Lil' Eric") is, frankly, annoying. Regina Hall, playing a humorless parole officer, is good, but gets minimal screen time (despite being featured so prominently in the trailer).
Speaking of being featured so prominently, Tijuana'a only talent- using that word so, so loosely- is rapping. I have a horrible suspicion Romany Marco is trying to promote his own rap career with this work... having seen his acting, directing, and rapping firsthand; I suggest he finds an office job.
I am shocked to learn that people- not a studio, not Romany; but actual, regular people PAYED to have this movie made, via crowdfunding. I don't know. Maybe I don't get it. But if Romany Marco has any sense of decency, he should be paying us, the viewers.