Change Your Image
nonsequitous
Reviews
Temptation (2003)
It stinks to high heaven - like a cheap porn actress after a hard day's work
Plot - to be phoned in later. Script = whee don' need no steenkeeng script! Actors courtesy of Looney Tunes Casting Inc. Cinematography - one rented movie camera on a tripod which they obviously had to get back to the rental center ASAP. Film editing - scissors and Scotch tape. Humor - much beating of horse corpses which in life were tired old nags named SoCal porn clichés and New Age clichés. No wonder they picked O'Toole for this one - she did such a great job playing the one-dimensional cop's girlfriend cliché in 48 Hours.
I have insomnia and at 3 ayem will watch almost anything with seeming promise (e.g., recognizable cast members) on Netflix streaming video, but I started giving up on this one when she gave a Buddist blessing to the sausage and potato w/ wine dinner, and started vomiting at the line, "This is twenty years of our *life*! Twenty years!" as a setup line for the main "plot" (apologies to serious movie buffs and plots everywhere for using that word in this review - twice now) and watched Herbie Fully Loaded instead. See, I figured that Lindsay Lohan's boobs might well have more talent than the entire cast of this abortion.
I was right. Actually, each of them separately did.
Cruel Intentions (1999)
"Pure garbage" is an insult to garbage everywhere
A terrible, wretched vomitous waste of film, time, and fortunately not thought because obviously none went into it. The writers and director simply viewed Dangerous Liaisons, cut out anything remotely like character development or anything else that didn't speed this disaster to its puerile voyeuristic conclusion, and then substituted an endless stream of profanity for whatever still remained of the dialogue. An example, the two siblings: "Fuck her yet?" "Not yet. Working on it." "Fag." "Blow me." I haven't heard such uplifting prose poetry since Porky's. Come to think of it, Porky's was good by comparison.
I mentioned Dangerous Liaisons (1988), because if you want to see this story the way it should be told, get a copy of this one. It stars Glenn Close, John Malkovich, Michelle Pfeiffer, Swoozie Kurtz (who should've been ashamed to be in this one too), and Keanu Reeves. The scenes between Close and Malkovich, the lines written for them and their presentation, with some intense interpersonal electricity, are worth the price of admission. Not to be missed.
I urge everyone to order a copy of Cruel Intentions from Netflix, and throw it away and tell them it never arrived. Maybe they won't restock it and you will have done mankind a great service.