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Reviews
The Lego Star Wars Holiday Special (2020)
JJ should burn in hell!
It's sad to be able to say that a Lego version of Star Wars is better than the three movies JJ Abrahms made, but let's face it, it's not a big achievement to outscore that trio of ludicrous nonsense. From here to Indianan Jones we are all learning a lesson that's been true forever: once you finish a trilogy, just move on to something else. Sadly the Star Wars franchise has taken some big hits lately. Boba Fett being alive when I saw him die as a 13 year old. And don't even get me started on Ashoka. It has a few really funny bits but it's still Lego Star Wars. Darth Vader does have an interesting question for Rey: You're a Jedi? Exactly, Darth. How did that happen? It certainly didn't happen through training, that's for sure.
Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)
King Sized Crap
I don't really know why anyone would think this was a good idea. It's slow, and not very interesting. There just seems to be this ridiculous idea in Hollywood to remake or extend the world of previous films where none exists. The characters are so flat it's hard to relate to any of them, and events seem forced or false. I also don't really understand why you would make this with the Pet Sematary label on it when it's not scary. The first responsibility of an horror movie is to be scary or creepy or unnerving. That doesn't happen here. Unless the prequel/sequel is written by Stephen King himself, I wouldn't bother from here on in.
How I Met Your Father (2022)
How I met the show on another channel.
After a very clumsy start, the introduction of main characters feels very forced, ridiculously unlikely and definitely not funny. Bad script, bad jokes and not worthy of a longer review.
The Big Ugly (2020)
It's not a bad movie.
But it's not going to win any OSCARS either. Ron Pearlman is the oil man laundering London mob money for his mate Malcolm McDowall and his enforcer Vinnie Jones. Vinnie's girlfriend is found dead and it looks like the oil man's spoilt son is responsible.
Cue: guns, violence, guns, violence, dynamite, violence...
It tries too hard to have pathos, and it's a bit Ozark meets Patrick Swayze's Next of Kin. It's good enough for a night in with beer and pizza, but you aren't going to see anything you haven't seen before.
A Killer Uncaged (2020)
A quite nauseating experience.
The nonsense coming from convicted killer and ex death row prisoner Dale Sigler is just jaw-dropping. He cries a lot, but they aren't tears for his victim. He was taken off death row when laws in Texas changed and has now been paroled as he was commuted to Life instead of Life without parole. He says this is because 'God' has other plans for him, which illustrates a childish belief that a non existent entity can justify his continuing to breathe.
His dependence on continually repeating this excuse shows that he has not accepted responsibility for anything.
I don't know why this show was made. It's sickening.
Star Trek: Picard (2020)
Its the Ups and Downs that make it so.
I remember falling across a Facebook Star Trek fan page when the first season aired. I said: '...the Romulans said "where are the others?"' and suggested to them that this meant there were many androids out there that could be as evil as Lore. The group administrator, who was dressed as The Doctor in Voyager, doubted it.
That idea was shouted down...but that's what happened nonetheless. I loved the first few episodes but then it started to plod. The Season 2 opener has far more avenues at its disposal. People are already complaining that Picard isn't acting like a super strong, super fast android. First off, he wasn't designed to be, if you listened carefully enough to the Season One closer, and I doubt Q will allow that to continue to be the case anyway.
What Picard has a chance to do here is go where Discovery didn't, very sadly. Discovery had a great dual reality storyline at the beginning, but then it was thrown aside for some pretty boring stuff, which wasn't interesting and lasted too long.
Q's reintroduction could open endless possibilities which could directly draw on TNG origin stories....and I really hope they don't screw this up!
That said, its a very interesting start...but the trial never ends...
UPDATED
Now we're into the final season there are immediately two burning questions: where's Wesley Crusher, momentarily spotted in Season 2 and why didn't they just reunite the cast from the beginning?
Wesley is easy: they showed he was still a traveler and not particularly interested in human conflict. That's important because if Wesley rescued his Mother this season would be over in about twenty seconds. Then why didn't they unite earlier is a harder question to answer. I don't think Raffi or Cristobal were particularly interesting characters. You have to care about a character's survival and, so far, I don't,
So here we go. Professor Moriarty has appeared along with Eric Bana's nightmare ship from the Star Trek movie canon with Chris Pine. Whereever we go, whether it's boldly or not, I really hope this lives up to its promise because, in many ways, they've struck out in the two previous seasons. There is a line which talks of the enemy always being something different. My best guess at this point is that they adapt themselves to the psyche of what the protagonists fear.
Time will tell.
Eternals (2021)
Short story long
And that's it's problem. It's a series of short stories that may have been better as a tv show. But even then this disjointed storyline is so broken up it's pointless.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
And did you notice?
It's as good as Raiders but the Last Crusade will always be the best, unless Indy 5 loses Crystal Skull's nonsensical narrative. How they conclude that the grandson of Sean Connery and the son of Harrison Ford is Shia LaBeouf I'll never understand. Tom Hardy Maybe.
Keep a close eye on the end of the opening scene. When Indy and Willie escape the nightclub, the signage identifies the club as Obi Wan.
Friday the 13th (2009)
Friday the 13th: Jason's Boring
The original movies were not the best quality sometimes, but this reboot is terrible. Starts with a long boring round the campfire explanation about how Mrs Voorhees's, all those years ago, killed camp counsellors in revenge for her son's drowning (would you even watch this movie if you didn't know the backstory?).
So the first victim dies, apparently for peeing on cannabis, and the rest find themselves at Camp Crystal Lake where they all die quickly and lose their heads to something sharp.
Sadly the script isn't sharp at all.
It's all too unoriginal, in a franchise that ran out of original in the mid-1980s. Nothing makes it remarkable or new. To borrow from Greta Thunberg: its just blah, blah, blah, blah.
Faking It: Tears of a Crime (2017)
Disingenuous at the very least.
Has anyone else noticed that, when its a crime for which someone has been convicted or there is overwhelming evidence, they're all: Yes, they're lying? But take the Prince Andrew one and they're all: Not saying he's lying. He might be...um, but we don't want to be sued so...
Head Cases: Serial Killers in the Delaware Valley (2013)
About as real as it could be without using the actual footage.
Shot as a documentary this is performed by actors who faithfully recreate the scenes of the murders and the graphic detail of the torture of victims of Wayne Montgomery (41 victims estimated) and his partners and protégés. They video taped it all over 20 years (bit dumb) he gruesomely slaughters random people for fun and '...don't feel anything. They're nobody's.'. Eventually his reign does unravel but it's as close as being there as you're going to get without actually going out an slaughtering 41 people.
The real horror is both the callousness and enjoyment everyone involved clearly took in it all. Some people found it hard to watch but I didn't personally-just found it a fascinating account