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Reviews
Cake Wars (2015)
The Judges Are Insufferable
The title says it all. I can't stand it when they tear apart beautifully made cakes because "there's too much detail" or "they don't understand the story" then award simple and boring cakes the title of winner. Can you imagine if people actually used that to critique other types of art? "Sorry, Pieter Brugal, your painting is beautiful and all, but Icarus is kind of hard for me to spot and it feels like there's a lot of focus on the other characters in the painting and I personally just don't get it."
Also, I'm just saying, if a judge came up to me and they were like, "Oh, that cake might not work because there's a chance it could collapse. I wonder what you're gonna do because you've already spent half this time making it and now you've only got two hours so you probably don't have time to make another one. Anyways good luck." I do believe I would show them my cake from a different perspective via slamming their head into it.
Pinocchio's Christmas (1980)
This Movie Made Me Experience Physical Pain
You know, I was going to write an entire review of this movie because it has given me stress-related nightmares ever since I watched it for the first time one year ago. I want to compare it to other Rankin and Bass stop motion Christmas movies, but you really can't. This was just a bad movie, and I sincerely apologize to those of you who enjoy it because of nostalgia or for whatever reason you might love it. This is a movie targeted towards younger audiences, so I obviously wasn't expecting perfection, but this movie is just lazy and frankly it was unnecessary.
The scene where Pinocchio dreams about teaching toys to dance basically highlights the flaws of the rest of the movie. The song is about as pleasing as metal forks scraping against porcelain dishes for two agonizing minutes. In fact, I would have preferred it. Pinocchio repeats these lyrics over and over and over and over and over and over and over again:
"Dancin'
Let's go dancin'
Dancin'
Let's go dancin'
Dancin' dancin' dancin' dancin'"
I'm not entirely convinced this song wasn't written in one of hell's mea lockers. It literally gave me a headache. There's no charm, there's no joy, there's no nothing. It's just gearing and it feels like it's never going to end. The rest of the movie isn't any different.