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3/10
Not for the faint of heart
28 December 2006
Warning: Spoilers
This movie blew my mind. Seriously. I was watching it and about every 5 minutes Paul Walker would say something that would make my head feel like I was about to have an aneurysm. Do not watch this if you have any congenital heart defects. Or you will die. Or have diarrhea. Paul Walker is such a bad actor. Did you see that movie with Steve Zahn and that semi-truck? That semi-truck was the best actor in that movie and if he had been in this movie he would have been the best actor in this movie too. Only watch this movie if you have an IQ under 60. If you watch this movie with an IQ over 60, you will watch the credits with an IQ under 60. I can't do math anymore.
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2/10
Most Xtreme Diarrhea
28 December 2006
Warning: Spoilers
This title says it all. I watched this movie and then, boom, diarrhea. If you sometimes have diarrhea, I would not recommend this movie. This movie is about a chimpanzee who skateboards or snowboards or plays hockey. I think it involved snow. There was some dumb little kid who didn't have any friends at the beginning of the movie and at the end he got to snowboard with some dumb guy named Bjorn. So I guess that's a happy ending. If you like diarrhea. Also, at one point in the movie he (Bjorn) said something about "that's tight dawg." I laughed really hard. So hard in fact that diarrhea shot out of my butt and onto the guy sitting next to me. I don't recommend this movie for people with sideways pointing butts.
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Spymate (2003)
10/10
One of the most thought provoking films of our generation
28 December 2006
Earlier today, I had the pleasure of sitting down and watching this fine work of cinematic beauty. Robert Vince is truly one of the most brilliant writers, producers, and directors that Satan has ever put on this earth. The interaction between the chimpanzee and his human sidekick were truly a joy to behold. The love scene was the only point in the film that did not seem perfectly choreographed. It seemed a little out of place and it was clear that the director had substituted the monkey for a human double. Quite disappointing. Notwithstanding this single indiscretion, however, the film was everything I could ask for in a film and more. I recommend this highly to anyone who is in need of entertainment, except potentially those with suicidal tendencies.
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1/10
Worst movie...may the viewer beware
28 December 2006
I recently got done watching this movie with a group of people. Two thirds of us had to be taken to the emergency room because of ocular bleeding. Please, for the love of God, do not watch this movie. I am warning you. It is the monster. It is the devil. It will steal your soul. By the time the credits roll, it will be too late. Don't try to regain what you have lost because it will be to no avail. Run, don't walk. Get away. RUN. PLEASE. SAVE YOURSELF. IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME. GET ON OUT OF HERE. GOOOOOO!!!! (Read that as "Go!" but emphatic, not "goo" but emphatic. that will make no sense) This thing requires ten lines of text.
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Belly (1998)
9/10
Fantastic film. Ranks with the classics.
19 March 2001
This film fills a void long left vacant.

When I first heard about this movie, I was critical. After all, I was a sheltered white guy, never respecting music videos, especially those on BET. So Hype Williams never occurred to me as an up-and-coming artist.

Then I saw this film.

I was floored. The lighting, the color, the acting(often strong and sometimes terrible, true)... All perfect. But what's more, I saw this movie not as a current film, though in some ways it is. I saw this as a film fitting the description of a genre that describes the future as one would the past or present.

I think Belly may be the first example of a good cyberpunk film.

Watch the film, and then compare to cyberpunk media by Gibson or Stephenson. You've got the clubs, the crime, the drugs, the religious apocalyptic gatherings, exotic locations, poverty, child drug dealers packing guns, the higher meanings and messages. You even have a woman assassin who dresses weirder than anyone in Blade Runner.

This film made my definitions of cinema change. Watch it. See it as art. And by no means hold this as a message on black society. It's not. It's a movie about people. These people could be any race, depending on where they were brought up. The fact that all the stars are black makes the movie even more surprising. Something like this could never have been made years ago.

Belly is a step forward, and a wonderfully made one.
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