Reviews

IMDb is dense for calling this a "horror" flick. No offense, but... The Wicker Man? Seriously? It's one of the greatest comedies of our time!

So, here's the story: A policeman, Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage) is coaxed by his ex-wife to travel to the far off island of Summersile to find their missing daughter. Once he enters, however, he finds himself completely out of place among the dominating women that populate the island. Could they perhaps be... cultists?

The jokes here practically fly off the screen. Every actor here deserves praise for their sense of humor, but none more so than Cage himself. I mean, that scene where he screams "AH! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AHHHHHHH!" is absolute gold.

Some say The Hangover is the greatest. Others could say Ace Ventura had excelleny. Me? I say, simply: "Wicker Man".

Catwoman. One of Batman's most alluring enemies. She's cunning. Deceptive. And most of all, sexy.

But god dang it, is her standalone film TERRIBLE!

I will admit, Halle Berry was a great choice, but Pitof (no, really, the director wanted to be referred to by first name only) just didn't seem to give a crap about this potential-filled idea. Writing: sucks. Visuals: suck. Fight scenes? Suck, suck, all of it sucks.

At least Berry's Razzie speech had effort.

"Contagion" from our friends at Warner projects an accurate portrayal of how a deadly virus spreads across the world. Featuring an excellent ensemble cast including Jason Bourne, Morpheus, Rose from Titanic and Goop founder Gwenynth Paltrow, this movie was praised for it accuracy when it was released in 2011.

And then, 2020 came along.

The COVID-19 pandemic is WAY similar to the one featured in the movie, and immediately it became relevant again. In fact, it was so popular, i had to get myself a Blu-Ray copy of the film, which i had already seen before the virus started. But let's just ignore that, and take a look at the movie itself.

Contagion is better than Warner's previous viral film, Outbreak, in many ways. As mentioned, the actors make a great effort to be as real as possible, it has a unique blend of drama and suspense, and it could help you learn a thing or two about the subject.

Come give it a watch.

When he was a boy, Charlie Carbone's mother was dating feared Mob boss Sal Maggio (Christopher Walken), and one of his best men, Frankie presumably tried to drown Charlie once at the beach by throwing a football into where the... uh... shallow end meets the deep end, i guess? Doesn't matter. Anyway, he would've been a goner had another boy, Louis Booker, miraculously saved him. The two have been inseparable ever since. In the present, Charlie (Jerry O'Connell) is a hairstylist still suffering under Maggio's reign, and Louis (Anthony Anderson) is the one who usually coaxes Charlie into doing risky yet pointless schemes. When one said scheme results in a major loss for Sal, he decides to send the two bumbling men off to deliver 50 grand to a "Mr. Smith" in Australia. After they arrive, their trip quickly goes haywire after they run over a kangaroo. And Louis makes the mistake of putting his "lucky jacket", where he kept the money, on the presumably dead 'roo, which then comes alive and runs off with the cash. Now, in order to save themselves, Charlie and Louis must go on a madcap journey through the Outback, teaming with a beautiful animal expert (Estella Warren), while staying one step ahead of Frankie (Michael Shannon), who is trailing them after Sal finds out about their screw-up.

This movie is very infamous in many ways. People mainly know it, though, as the movie which was heavily marketed as a talking-animal movie, when it was really anything but. That isn't the worst of it, however. The plot gets downhill with each minute, the stars here can't act their way out of a hostage situation if they tried, and that mirage sequence with the talking Kangaroo Jack, the scene that was played in EVERY. SINGLE. TRAILER to fool everyone, is genuine stupidity. But, throughout all of this, you'll find yourself actually LOLing at the film. Why? Not because of the "jokes", which really fall flat. It's because it's absolutely INSANE that this movie was even made in the first place. I did. So c'mon, watch it! Everyone needs to see a bad movie once in their lives, right?

I love watching remakes of horror movies. Whether they're ones based on Japanese flicks, or maybe the occasional American one, these remakes help me quench my scary-movie thirst while helping me avoid the old movies i somehow dislike.

This one in particular, though, is arguably dumb as hell.

Thirteen Ghosts follows Arthur Kriticos (Tony "Monk" Shalhoub) and his family, struggling after a fire that tragically took his wife's life. Then, one day, he finds out his uncle Cyrus (F. Muarry Abraham) has died and inherited his huge mansion to him. While at first their new home makes their lives better, they eventually discover its dark secret: It is housing the angry spirits of 13 people with disturbing pasts. Er, excuse me, 12 spirits. Locked inside, the Kriticos, with the assistance of a troubled psychic (Matthew Lillard) and what i like to call a "ghost activist" (Embeth Davidtz), must combat these dangerous dead people and answer one question: who is the 13th ghost?

Well, you're not gonna want to know that, because this movie was pretty much useless. It SAYS it's a horror film, but nothing about it is scary. I can't say it's an action movie, either, because the parts where we're supposed to feel a rush of adrenaline do absolutely nothing to impress me. What kind of movie is Thirteen Ghosts, then? Well, it's a movie that is not worth the Amazon price.

The only part of this film i actually like is the special feature on the DVD where you can learn about who the 13 ghosts were before they became the 13 ghosts , which is really interesting.

When this one first came out, people RIOTED. And not in the good way either. They all said, "This isn't like the original Godzilla! This is trash! Bleh!" And they may be right. But...

Why would that even matter?

Godzilla 1998 is not a great movie, that is true. But when it comes to pure entertainment, it holds up pretty damn well. It's got action. A bit of comedy. Romance. Okay, maybe not romance, but it's got a ton of action. I mean, it's kinda fun seeing "Godzilla" (i'm putting quotes here because people like to argue whether the monster here can be considered a Godzilla or not) rampage through the city. Maybe it's just me.

If you play this movie expecting to see something on the lines of The Shawshank Redemption, you'll be pretty disappointed. But if you want 2 nonstop hours of exhilarating monster-movie action, then Godzilla 1998 is the movie for you!

(or you can just watch the 2014 one, that's good too...)

Not to be confused with the British sci-fi series of the same name that ALSO came out in 2007, Primeval tells the story of a news team, disgraced journalist Tim Manfrey (Dominic Purcell from Prison Break), his best friend and cameraman, Steven Johnson (Orlando Jones), and Aviva Masters (Brooke Langton), a reporter who deals with animal-related stories. who team up with a herpetologist (Gideon Emery) and a licensed hunter (Jurgen Prochnow) to capture the legendary real-life killer crocodile Gustave (who is still alive, BTW). Their plan, however, will not be easy, as not only is Gustave an elusive and deadly animal, but a warlord has targeted the team for execution.

One of the last films from Disney's Hollywood Pictures division, Primeval is a very bland attempt at the old killer croc story. It's just not very good. The characters are average, and so is the plot, and the death scenes aren't even that gory. But if you just want to watch a crocodile eat people from the comfort of your own home, than this is an underrated recommendation.

From the director of Stomp The Yard (yes, you heard me right, the dance movie) comes Slender Man, based on a internet trend that died out years before this film came out. The basic premise is that a group of girls come across a online "ritual" to summon the titular creature. Then one of them goes missing. Now the remaining three have to dig deeper into the Slender-Lore to hopefully get their friend back. But why even bother caring? Why would anyone make this besides for the money? Slender Man is hardly scary. It actually feels a bit dumb. What really bothers me is that one of the actresses who plays a part of the main group, Jaz Sinclair, is WAY older irl then her character lets out to be. Proof? Slender Man came in 2018. Sinclair starred in another Screen Gems film, When The Bough Breaks, which came out in 2016. Her character in the latter was 21 years old. So assuming that was also her real age at the time, Jaz would have been 23 years old at the time of Slender Man's production. Wow. What a bad decision among the other ones this movie makes. If you want to watch it, go ahead. Just don't say i didn't warn you.