Change Your Image
Sir Ulrich Von Lichtenstein
Reviews
Starship Troopers (1997)
Worst movie of the 1990s.
The fact that there are people who have talked themselves into believing Paul Verhoeven's "Starship Troopers" is a witty, satirical social commentary is a frightening example of how easy it is to delude yourself. There is not one iota of intelligence or meaning to this awful, awful mess of a vomit stain of a movie. It is an affront to the entire concepts of art and intelligence. When I saw this film, my friends and I began to heckle out loud, and the audience asked us to SPEAK UP! I want to to hurt this movie. I am amazed that this movie is ranked as high as it is on IMDB. It belongs near the top of the worst of all time list.
Le Cinquième Élément (1997)
One of the worst films I have ever seen.
And I have seen a lot of really bad films. This is a movie that would be rejected from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" as being too far below their usual standards. There is not one redeeming quality to this gargantuan piece of dreck. It is brainless and juvenile beyond words, and the stroy and acting would insult the intelligence of Billy Ray Cyrus. Fine, the production design is eye-catching, but at it's best, it's merely a rip-off of Ridley Scott's "Blade Runner". At it's worst, it looks like Bob Fosse tried to direct a musical version of "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe". Luc Besson could not direct a five year-old to the bathroom. And I won't even describe Chris Tucker's performance, because the memories are just too painful. This movie is bad beyond all possible levels of badness. Okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but it sure isn't good.
The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
A good film, ruined by a disastrous third act.
Most of the way, this latest adaption of Dumas' classic hits the mark. But in the third act, the filmmakers, in what feels like a studio mandated decision, throw out the story in an idiotic attempt to give "Monte Cristo" a happy, feel good ending. This is almost equivalent to changing the ending of "Hamlet" so that he doesn't die. The brilliance of the original story lies in the hollowness of it's conclusion: when the story is over, Edmund Dantes figurativel is dead, and it's not his tormentors that killed him, it's his own hate. In this film, Dantes learns that lesson before it's too late, gets the love of his life back, becomes an all around swell guy, and all is right with the world. Terrible, TERRIBLE ending, and a true injustice to a classic.
All of this is too bad, because so much of this film works. Jim Caviezel surprised me by really pulling off the deamnds of the character. His transformation from a wide-eyed, uncultured innocent to the save and debonair but hardened COunt is completely believable. He has the prescene to carry the movie, and never feels out of place like the hero of director Kevin Reynolds OTHER classic swashbuckley remake. Caviezel gives us a truly memorable, quality interpretation of a classic character, and it's a shame that Reynolds didn't have the integrity to stick to the story.
Guy Pearce, on the other hand, has been far better. His scenery chewing performance isn't really bad, but it's a far cry from his extraoridinary work in "Memento". pearce seems to be an actor who needs to be truly challenged by his material. When he does, he gives great perfromances like in "Memento" or "L.A. Confidential". he doesn't, he falls back on silly accents like in "Monte Cristo" or "Rules of Engagement".
Rigoletto (1993)
I've seen better movies on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"
I'm all for the idea of clean, wholesome family entertainment, but it has to meet some minimum standards of artistic and creative quality. Even the music in "Rigoletto" is just a mediocre rehash of the score to "Beauty and the Beast". Films like this set back the cause of clean movies, by creating the idea that "Feature Films for Families" have to be lame, predictable, and of low artistic quality. Don't just make "decent" movies. Try to make them GOOD, too.
Jurassic Park III (2001)
It's the same old thing, but it's still fun.
Joe Johnston doesn't quite have the same flair of building suspense that Steven Spielberg does, but then, who does? "Jurassic Park III" has less plot than either of it's predecessors, and the ending comes on too suddenly. But still, Johnston does a very capable job creating one of the most fun adventure films of the summer. It's great to see Sam Neill and Laura Dern reprise their roles from the original, and William H. Macy adds a lot. It has a lot of flaws, but for those of us who are huge fans, "Jurassic Park III" is a great thrill ride movie.
A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
An early candidate for best film of the decade.
"A.I." is not a film for everyone. Indeed, the mix of Kubrick and Spielberg may be too odd for most people too handle. But it is a stunning, brilliant work of art that will grow in esteem for years to come, and may well turn out to the best film of the decade. It is a complex and multi-layered, intellectual work reminiscent of Kubrick, with the emotion of Spielberg. The performances are uniformly superb. The disappointing box office can be attributed to the public's distaste for films that are complex, and make them think and draw their own conclusions. The public wants films like "Pearl Harbor" or "The Fast and the Furious" that can be summed up entirely in two minute trailers. "A.I." goes deeper than any science fiction film to come along in years, and deeper than most films of any genre. It is a masterpiece.
Happy, Texas (1999)
Funny, but formulaic
"Happy, texas" is a very funny movie, but it raises the question of what exactly constitutes a true independant film. This film is as thoroughly predictable, formulaic a Hollywood movie as they come, but it wasn't produced by a studio. It often plays like a 70s Disney comedy, or at times an 80s "Police Academy" sequel, with the only new twist being the prescence of several gay characters (admittedly, William H. Macy's unstereotyped portrayl does lift the film up a notch). However, there are quite a few laughs to be found in the tired formula story.
Troll 2 (1990)
I was in this awful movie.
I actually played one of the trolls/goblins in this film, and I'm thrilled by the fact that it's become a celebrated bad movie. It's at least as awful as everyone says, if not worse. When we were making this thing I knew it was going to be awful, and it exceded my lowest expectations.
Incidentally, this movie has nothing whatsoever to do with "Troll". When we shot it the title was "Goblins", and at no point in the movie are we ever referred to as trolls. In fact, the make-up designer was quite offended by my comment that the masks resembled the creatures in "Troll". Obviously this is a ploy to get an audience for this piece of dreck.
If you enjoy bad movies on an "MST3K" level, this is a great one. It doesn't get worse than this. I'm so glad the IMDB ranks "Trol 2" so low. It deserves it.
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Six, twisted and shallow.
I gave this film a 1. It's not quite that bad, but I felt it necessary when I saw the ludicrous fact that it was ranked #20 for all time. That is as astonishing and appalling as the films five wholly undeserved major Academy Awards. To be shocking and unsettling for the purpose of art can be admirable. To be shocking and unsettling for the purpose of creating a lurid freak show is another. This movie never even makes the most cursory attempt to look at what motivates the serial killers it portrays. It just wants to be creepy. Creepy it is, and full of suspense, too. But since when does that earn you a Best Picture Oscar? "Jurassic Park" was creepy and full of suspense, in far skillful and artistic ways, yet the suggestion that it was award worthy would have brought guffaws.
The performances of Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins are good, but definitely not Oscar worthy. In fact, for Hopkins supporting role to be included as Best Actor is abysmally ridiculous. And for all the hype that has surrounded the character of Hannibal Lecter, he is nothing but a by-the-numbers Hollywood pshycopath.
In short, parts of this film are well done (others are not), and unlike most contemporary horror films it's genuinely frightening. But never for one millisecond does it begin to approach a level of depth beyond B-Grade exploitation. Well done schlock is still schlock, and when the Academy gave this film Best Picture, they damaged the dignity of an entire art form.
The Walter Ego (1991)
Uproariously funny
I saw this years ago at a short film film festival where it was playing alongside a film of my own. I thought it was one of the most hilariously funny things I had ever seen, and had surprisingly interesting characters.
I had no idea Scott Frank was involved in this, but I'm not surprised. The script was extremely intelligent and witty. It also features two of the funniest sight gags I have ever seen.
I gave this film a 10, partly to compensate for it's ludicrously low current rating, and partly because it really is excellent. This is one of the funniest short films I've ever seen, and also has a cool surprise ending.
How can you not love anything that has a theater group called "The Gippy Pokey Repertory Company"?
The Adventures of Timmy the Tooth: Lost My Brush (1995)
A staggering work of sheer artistic brilliance.
Every so often, a film is made which is so brilliant that it personifies the concept of art for an entire generation. Such a film is "Timmy the Tooth: Lost My Brush".
The influences of Orson Welles, Sergei Eisenstein, and the plays of Tennesee Williams are evoked in this profoundly moving saga of a talking tooh (Timmy) who has, indeed, lost his brush (Brush-Brush). As Timmy expresses his anguish in the soulful ballad "Have you seen him, my best friend", only the most hard hearted viewer will not be moved to tears.
However, the most compelling character in "Lost my Brush" is Timmy's nemesis, The Cavity Goon. The Goon is one of the most chilling portrayals of pure evil ever to appear on screen. This multi-layered character is rich with complex motivations for his derie to cause cavities, most of them stemming form his own insecurites and self-loathing. It is difficult to avoid comparison with Ralp Fiennes' sadisitc Nazi commandant in "Schindler's List".
In closing, "Timmy the Tooth: Lost My Brush" is destined to take it's place among the all time great masterpieces of film, and will doubtless be analyzed exhaustively by film students for decades to come. I envy those you seeing this for the first time. It is an experience that will transform you.
Evolution (2001)
Not unwatchable, but disappointing.
"Evolution" didn't have to be a great film. It just had to be entertaining and funny. The story is good, the cast is good, the effects are fine, and they seemed to have picked the right director. But unfortunately, the script just plain isn't funny.
Chocolat (2000)
The Worst Best picture Nominee Ever
Judi Dench was good enough to make me give this a 3. The rest of the film is a 1. "Chocolat" features mediocre direction, acting ranging from good (Judi Dench) to gut-wrenchingly awful (Alfred Molina and Peter Stormare), and a script that is nothing more than a long string of lame and shallow cliches. This film is more predictable than a "Mighty Ducks" movie, and has all the subtlety of a nuclear blast. Nice message, but it's hammered in so hard that's impossible to mist. Not only doesn't require you to think, strictly forbids you from doing so. It's best picture slot should have gone to a more deserving film, which could have been anything from "Cast Away" or "Billy Elliott" to even "Charlie's Angels" (hardly that good a film, but still better than "Chocolat".