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Reviews
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
Too stupid to not love.
I dont even know where to begin with why i adore this film. First of all this movie, like the previous film in the series, absolutely doesnt care. The difference this time around is that its not apathetic, it doesnt care that it has no budget and no good actors. Also like the previous films in the series it is a stock footage nightmare in line with films like the blockbuster rental classics raging sharks, red water, and shark zone. The big difference here is the stock footage had to be used in an interesting way. The film takes heavy "inspiration" from the Meg books and Jaws as you'd expect. For instance there is multiple sharks. A baby and the big momma. Theres also a mistaken shark, one that was caught and misidentified (which makes no sense when you consider that they have an actual tooth from the real killer). For the first hour-ish of this 90 minute movie the baby shark is on the prowel and its typical great white stock footage, including footage taken from shark zone when the main characters wife dies in a nightmare. However thats when things get wild. They would film and composite images onto close up footage of great whites to make them appear at times twice the size of an actual meg (a sin most meg movies are guilty of) with hilarious results including a scene where an overdramatic man ride a jet ski directly into mamas mouth. The rest of the movie is nonsensical. A man who overacts meets a woman who underacts and they try to fight sharks with little success until they hook up in the 3rd act, in a scene that excited a younger me but now just made me utter a belly laugh so loud i woke the dead, and finally kill the beast. Speaking of them hooking up, before the totally hot and definitely not awkward sex scene theres an infamous line, the male lead looks at the block of wood next to him ask very politely asks to preform acts on her nethers in a by now legendary meme in the schlock shark movie culture. This movie to me is "The Room" of shark movies. Technically theres worse out there but how bad this film is almost reaches the point of baffling. Honestly theres too much to add in this review, this film does a lot of what most shark movies do to rip off jaws, you have the character who tells the mayor that they need to close the beaches and they dont believe him so he takes matters into his own hands, but this film does it so poorly that it defies expectation. Is it good? Not even close. Is it well written? No. Is it fun? Absolutely. The tv cut is even funnier. All in all 3/10 but a sarcastic 10 from my heart.
Shark Attack 2 (2000)
Just your average stock footage shark flick
While the first one had a charm about its cheapness, this movie doesnt pretend to care about quality for a second. The plot is maybe kinda sorta connected to the first film (as if it mattered) and absolutely sells itself on its premise alone. Theres on entertaining scene in the film. Just too boring to be interesting.
Amityville Island (2020)
I expected a freakin shark movie
Didnt get a shark movie, its genuinely not a shark movie. Frankly im not sure what thw director was going for