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Breaking Bad: Felina (2013)
Simply Perfection
It seems like yesterday when I watched the premiere of this new AMC show called Breaking Bad. All I knew was it was from one of my favorite writers from The X-Files, the star was talented comic actor Bryan Cranston and it was about cooking and slinging meth. I liked the first 2 things a lot and well done crime drama is always awesome. I thought at worst it would be fun and occupy a few Sunday nights.
As I sit here 5 (or 6) seasons later teary eyed but satisfied I wish I could experience it all over again. As much as I have enjoyed other shows, at this moment I can not remember another that was so perfect from start to finish. Pitch black comedy blended brilliantly with drama. The final 8 episodes were simply perfection culminating in what at this moment feels like the best series finale of all time.
Thank You Vince Gilligan. Thank You Bryan Cranston.
Don't Go in the Woods (2010)
Really bad musical but worse horror film.
Several hipster doofus emo guys are in a band and decide to go into the woods and like work on some new music dude. We know they are cool because they have a blind guy and a Asian guy in the band. They are edgy too though because they refuse to be trendy which we see due to the lack of a black guy. Some chicks show up but don't get naked which doesn't lose too many points because none of them are close to hot anyway. After way too much bad singing a killer finally shows up and the boredom is elevated to slightly less boredom.
This movie is horrible. I mean really really bad. It fails on every level. The cast consists of a lot of unattractive young adult emo wanna be musicians who I assume are family or friends or lovers of the director Vincent D'Onofrio. They sing painfully bad songs and they all seem to be trying to imitate Violent Femmes lead singer Gordon Gano. He has a cool angst ridden voice they all just sound screechy and whiny.
It's the type of ridiculous movie that makes you embarrassed for those involved and also makes your eyes hurt. Why do they hurt? Because you are rolling them so often. Mainly at the moronic songs but also at the acting, the barely existence plot, and the lack of suspense or horror.
This is so amateurish in every way you wonder why VD didn't just shelve this pile of crap. It makes me think my sarcastic comment about the cast being VD's lovers is spot on because why would he want to destroy a friend or family members career by having anyone see this stinker? My fond memories of some of D'Onofrio's films and the fact some of the God awful morons finally do get butchered made me give up another pity star for a grand total of 2.
D'Onofrio shouldn't consider quiting his acting gig anytime soon. The cast should resign themselves to be waiters who play around town or go back to school and try to learn a trade.
Paranormal Entity (2009)
The terror of off screen demons or ghosts or ......really boring stuff.
I read about this piece of crap in a thread for Paranormal Activity. PA is not the best horror movie ever but it had a few creepy moments that I enjoyed. Most of the people who reviewed or posted about Entity claimed it was creepier and cooler than PA with better acting. Those people were all obviously involved with Entity. Like a film watching novice I got suckered in and watched entity for free online.
For your own sake don't make the same mistake I did friends! Nothing ever happens in this lame boring pile of dung. Pardon me, nothing happens on screen. Nothing beats the excitement of having a really bad actor describe something that may or may not have been "paranormal" that happened off screen and then describe it again.....in the same scene!!? No one involved here is very good, but the mom is really weak in the acting dept. and she has the most lines in the movie! I wasn't expecting much from a no budget rip off of a low budget movie but my expectations were far too high.
There are no good effects, no tension, no scares, the script makes no sense. It even contradicts itself several times for no reason. This is by no means a positive comment but the best thing about this POS is the sister has a decent rack. I only mention her boobs because they are a big part of the "terrifying" conclusion.
If the mention of boobs in any way makes someone reading this interested in watching PE, DON'T!!!!!!! There are millions of pages and clips of free boobs on the net. Check those out instead. The mind you save may be your own.
The Super Hero Squad Show (2009)
Cartoon Network continues its slide into crapville.
Okay let me get this out of the way. This show is aimed at kids, which I am not. I am however one of the millions of adults who enjoy well written well made cartoons. DC/Warner Bro's tend to be my favorites as they do an excellent job at crafting cartoons that kids can enjoy but that adults can watch and appreciate on different levels. I knew nothing about "The Super Hero Squad Show" except it was from Marvel and would star a slew of super hero's from their universe. Like I said I prefer DC's super hero's. They always seemed more thoughtful. Marvels guys tend to be a little too whiny and introspective. Still a cartoon with Wolverine, Hulk, Cap America and several other of the heavy hitters had the possibility of being fun and maybe even really cool. It just goes to show even I can be wrong. Lets hope this portion of the Marvel universe implodes real soon.
Cartoon Network is having trouble with declining ratings. They are so desperate that the "cartoon" network has begun showing non animated programs. I thought that was a really bad idea until I saw "The Super Hero Squad Show". Now I know what a really bad idea means. Giving the green light to this show was a reallllllllly bad idea.
This can barely be called a show more like an endless array of fart and booger jokes that even if its aimed at 3 year olds is still too dumbed down for its audience. Wow I am stunned at how horrible this show is on so many levels. Besides the previously mentioned farts and boogers, the tiny cutesy design of the super hero's are obviously designed to sell the toy line that was probably designed and in production before the lol "writers" of the show ever put paper to pen.
If I haven't been clear enough yet. I really hated the two episodes I forced myself to watch. Please don't make the same mistake I did. Don't watch even one second of this travesty.
The Ruins (2008)
Attack of the killer kudzu
Let me start by saying when I watch horror movies I'm willing to loosen certain criteria for what is needed for a good movie such as, logic, realistic scenarios, well developed characters etc...
I saw The Ruins on cable with no previous knowledge other than having seen the trailer when it was released. At first it looked to be another crappy kids in trouble in a foreign country Hostel rip off a la Turistas. I never would have thought it possible it would suck even worse than Turistas.
As I watched the evil vines slither towards their victim for the first time, I laughed out loud. I checked to make sure this was the same movie I had heard described as the scariest film of 2008 and based on the best horror novel in years. Yep. same one. Great to see hyperbole is still a replacement for a half decent film.
As I continued to watch, determined to make it through this predatory plant fear fest, I was reminded of the segment of Creepshow that starred Stephen King. Its a great horror movie but that segment is easily the weakest part. Suddenly by comparison Stephen King covered by fungus didn't seem so bad.
As The Ruins crept toward the ending just like the bloodthirsty begonias that was its scary monster I took comfort knowing it couldn't get worse. Wrong!!! The most annoying character, yeah I know its hard to pick just one, the whiny drunken, cheater scrawny chick is the one who lives???!!! Some days its really hard being a horror fan.