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Reviews
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds: Those Old Scientists (2023)
Lower Decks > Strange New Worlds
Every single person complaining about this episode had a tell:
- One was complaining that she "already had a headache" when she watched it and this episode made it worse. I'd bet everything I own she also sends back her food at restaurants because it "doesn't taste organic."
- Another said "I am biased because I hate crossovers." My man, not only did you watch the whole thing, you then took time out of your life to write about it (and prefaced it with a disclaimer discrediting your opinion). He also said that "bugs bunny" is a "proper cartoon." 💀
- Another called Boimler and Mariner "influencers" and said that if he wanted to see them he'd "get a bloody TikTok account." Bro we get it, you're old.
What I'm trying to say is that Lower Decks is better than Strange New Worlds, and my proof is how lame the show's haters are. Spock would agree, it's the only logical conclusion.
10/10.
Avatar: The Last Airbender (2024)
Unwatchable acting.
You know when you're watching someone who is bad at acting, and all you can do is focus on how awful they deliver lines? Imagine that, for eight hours. No, wait... imagine that for eight hours AND the dialogue was written by ChatGPT. I tried getting through it faster by watching on 1.5x speed, but that just made it worse!
The actor playing Aang sounds like he's still learning how to talk, and the teenager playing Zuko sounds like a freaking nerd: "It will all be worth it once I return home in glory to take my place as the rightful heir to the fire lord." 🤓 And WTF did they do to to Iroh?
Hot garbage. 1/10.
Leave the World Behind (2023)
Low ratings don't understand the point of the film
This movie is a message, the meaning of which is clearly spelled out multiple times throughout the film. Those giving this a low rating either don't understand what it's saying or deep down feel attacked.
Why? Because it's calling you out. It's pointing a finger in your face and accusing you of being the problem. It's attacking the very impulse that inspired you to open Netflix in the first place. And that doesn't feel good! You didn't sit down to watch a movie because you wanted to feel guilty, you did so to escape all your negative feelings and be entertained! So screw this movie. Give it a 1/10, call it "slow," and complain about the ending. That'll show it. Then you can go back to feeling the way you wanted to. You can go back to being entertained, and brush this experience off without second thought. Maybe try watching something else. I hear the show "Friends" is good.
10/10.
Fast Charlie (2023)
Made-for-TV movie
This has entertaining moments, but the clichés are endless and the dialog is as wooden as it gets. The people giving this a 10/10 are either plants or... special. There was no character development, the scene setting was terrible, the capricious flip flop in the balance of power is laughable, and the terrible pacing (especially at the end) is amateurish. Again, there are definitely scenes that hold attention, but that's not enough to give this movie a high rating. My guess is Pierce accepted this role because he owed someone a favor, or he's going broke and needed the money. Either way, this was definitely a debit from his brand, not a credit to it.
6/10.
Blue Eye Samurai (2023)
Fumbled at the finish line!
This show is amazing: gritty, risqué, inspiring. Most importantly, the writing had integrity. There were no unexplained jumps in logic that left the audience scratching their head. Every episode flowed beautifully into the next, building momentum each step of the way. It took great restraint to avoid shirking my responsibilities and binging the entire thing.
So you can imagine my disappointment when I got to the final episode and A SINGLE CANDLE DEFEATED AN ENTIRE ARMY. You read that right: the protagonist throws a candle in the shogun's castle, and it proceeds to start a fire that inexplicably burns an entire army alive. The best part? Our protagonist is just fine, even though she's only three doors down from where the fire originated! The fire spread to an entire courtyard, killing 2,000 men who are outside, but the protagonist is fine just three doors down. *FACEPALM*
Army of the Dead (2021)
This movie is legit
It's a zombie action movie. Full stop. If you come into it expecting something serious or sophisticated, well... you're an idiot because it's called "Army Of The Dead." It's ridiculous, over the top, and in your face. The movie trailers didn't beat around the bush, they showed everyone exactly what this movie is all about, and it 100% delivers on that promise. Zombie tiger? Check. Zombie killing social media influencer? Check. Burger flipping badass? Check. It has all the elements you would expect from a movie titled "Army Of The Dead." So turn your brain off, grab some popcorn, and strap in for mayhem, because this is one kicka$$ zombie action flick.
Ahsoka (2023)
OMG So Slow!
About halfway into the first episode I started watching with my finger on the fast forward button. I was able to repeatedly skip 10 seconds at a time without missing anything important. Literally every scene is so drawn out, there are long periods of time with characters standing in silence, staring at each other or off into the distance. It's SO BORING.
As if that's not boring enough, every character communicates in the same slow, monotone fashion, making it feel like they're bored too. It's as though someone instructed the actors to think of the saddest thing they could before shooting every scene.
So unfortunately I don't think I'll be finishing it, this show is just too slow for my taste!
Steven Universe: Say Uncle (2015)
Why???
I had no idea Uncle Grandpa was a thing, and now I hate him. Up until this episode, Stephen Universe has been a show where things have meaning because of what came before. There was a continuity to everything. Then the writers decide to have a completely nonsensical episode that feels NOTHING like the rest of the show. Why? Even the writers knew it was a mistake when they had Garnet say "I'm ready for this episode to be over." Me too, Garnet. Me too. This was done for money, not art. And if I had to describe what Steven Universe was prior to this episode, it would be exactly that: art. But with this entry they compromised the integrity of the beauty that came before it, cheapening the series just for a crossover with what I can only assume is a garbage show that hasn't received a fraction of the acclaim Steven Universe has.
House of the Dragon: Second of His Name (2022)
After years of protracted battle...
The crab king decides it's a good move to send his entire army out to kill one guy who has already been shot by two arrows.
One guy. Already injured.
This is the kind of lazy writing that ruins the integrity of the whole show.
These first three episodes have been relatively boring, but I was willing to chalk them up to scene setting. That is, until the writers decided to make the crab king-who has been holding off armies and dragons for YEARS-to send his whole force onto the beach after one INJURED guy. Now I know those three boring episodes can't be building up to anything good, because the writers obviously aren't trying.
It reminds me of GOT Season 7, when it was obvious they handed the pen off to the wrong people.
3/10.
House of the Dragon: The Rogue Prince (2022)
Slow.
Strange choice to slow down the pace of the show on episode two. After spending $100M marketing this show, you would think they'd try to hook their audience, not put them to sleep.
There is nothing new or compelling here, just a royal family squabbling over succession... plus dragons. This would be more entertaining if there was something original about the scheming and controversy, but it's dynasty 101: king's scorned brother partners with political opportunist. Predictable.
I'm sure this will get downvoted into oblivion by all the GOT stans out there, but if you're being honest with yourself, this is not the start you would have liked to see.
5/10.
A House on the Bayou (2021)
Nothing made sense 🤷♂️
Why did the little girl get bloody noses?
If Isaac weeds out the "wicked" from the "righteous" then why is he grabbing the little girl and making jokes about her looking at him in a sexual way?
What was with the cat getting eaten and then coming back? What happened to the cat at the end?
Why did the house "draw evildoers" to it?
Why were the coyote's eyes glowing?
If the wife could just push "grandpappy" over and beat his head in with a ball ping hammer, why didn't she do it before torching a woman alive in her car?
Why leave your child standing outside with a shotgun when you saw that there were animals outside just moments before? How is that the safer option for her?
How is the moral of the story "be kind" when Isaac and "grandpappy" were evil incarnate? That little girl is gonna be scarred for life... nice work fellas.
Super dumb horror movie. Decent comedy.
The Orville: Domino (2022)
The Kaylon represent amoral sociopaths in human society
"Domino" is the culmination of the Kaylon arc, and is designed to edify those in human society without compassion, to show them that no amount of "logical" thinking can justify indifference toward others.
This show is a masterpiece. I hope human society can live up to the ideals it has so meticulously demonstrated as superior.
The Orville: A Tale of Two Topas (2022)
Literally what sci-fi is made for
This episode does a fantastic job tackling a subject matter that is politically volatile in the United States right now.
Many of the negative reviews complaining about "wokeness" claim they just want the show to go back to being sci-fi without moral messaging, but the best sc-fi tackles moral problems.
Not to mention that the type of person who complains about "wokeness" also tends to embody the exact type of traits that leads to intolerance and authoritarianism displayed by the antagonist in this episode.
Truly a masterpiece of an episode. Both enthralling and virtuous. The world needs content like this more than ever.
The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022)
How meta can it get?
Hollywood seems to think that because people like movies, they are interested in movie making. Not the case. While I enjoy eating a meal, that doesn't mean I want to spend time in the kitchen. In fact, quite the opposite.
This movie started off great despite how meta it was, with interesting character development and hilarious dynamics between Javi and Nick. But then it became superficial and silly with the action plot, as Nick Cage suddenly goes from incompetent spy accidentally knocking himself out to taking people down with one punch and catching a knife in mid air.
If the movie had continued to be an adult drama with complex characters I would have gotten over the played-out Hollywood meta-analysis and actually enjoyed it, but they decided to make the second half a superficial and ridiculous action movie because it gives them "a trailer moment."
I guess it achieved the same goal every Nick Cage movie has: grab as much money as possible and leave the audience scratching their head.
Ricky Gervais: SuperNature (2022)
Humanity was hilarious. This was boring.
He even recognized it partway through when he said "Netflix already bought this." For those who don't understand subtext, that's Ricky saying "yea I know this is rubbish."
The vibe I'm getting from the reviews is that reactionaries are giving it a 10/10 because he called out woke culture. That alone isn't a good reason to give the show a perfect score.
The AIDS bit felt like he was making it up as he went along, I wasn't sure even he knew where he was going with it.
I felt embarrassed for the guy by the time I turned it off. To his credit, it takes a lot of guts to get in front of the world and take a massive dump. Props for his courage.
Ambulance (2022)
"Bank job in 5 min... want to join?"
Who goes to the trouble to get an untraceable vehicle, firearms, a qualified team, and reliable intel, only to add a random person at the last minute? Just gonna fill him in on the way to the $32 million heist? I understand you're not supposed to ask questions when watching a Michael Bay movie, but goddamn... How dumb do the writers think their audience is?
The Batman (2022)
Why so unintelligent?
Batman decrypts a cypher so he can find a car that police would've naturally discovered in the course of their investigation?
A police detective boots up a drive from a criminal mastermind on his own computer while remaining connected to the internet?
Before watching this everyone told me this movie "got back to Batman's detective roots," but that's only exciting if everyone is behaving intelligently. It's just silly if everyone is the worst version of themselves.
I feel like the writers could have easily made the characters act in more intelligent ways.
2/10 to help balance the absurdly high rating.
Final Space (2018)
The Resistance
Was this show canceled? Yes, yes it was.
Should it have been? No, no it should not.
Quit twiddling your wieners and green light the fourth season!
Rebuild the resistance so we can resist the uprising against the insurgency who is resisting the rebellion... against the insurrection!
The Campaign (2012)
Solid from start to finish
How is this rated so low? There's not a single scene in this movie that's out of place. I would rank it in the top 3 comedies of all time... it's that good.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
Sequels are easy when you cheat 🤷♂️
Humans couldn't get past the sentinels before, but now they can.
The machines always found Zion before, but now they can't find IO.
You had to take a pill and find an exit to leave the Matrix before, but you can have a mechanical dove transfer your consciousness to someone else and take both of you out of the Matrix now (for some reason).
Neo was "The One" according to a prophesy before, but apparently Trinity is "The One" too now.
Machines like Agent Smith had sophisticated intelligence before, but now they're apparently proponents of antiquated gender roles ("women used to be so easy to control").
Agents were the bad guys before, but now there's "bots."
The machines were a unified force before, but now they have wars with each other (which we'll casually mention in order to make the plot work).
Being "The One" meant you had powers that transcended the understanding and capabilities of the machines before, but now they can literally run circles around you (but not Agent Smith for some reason).
Trinity died getting Neo to the machine city, but she's back because MACHINES CAN BRING PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE NOW!
An insult to the previous Matrix movies. 3/10.
No Time to Die (2021)
Ruined James Bond for me
Remember Casino Royale? Remember how exciting, smart, and vibrant it was?
This isn't that.
This movie ruined James Bond for me. It was slow, convoluted, empty, and disappointing. It was a three-hour long slog that did no justice to the awesome Bond Daniel Craig started as.
Skyfall started the boring decline of Bond, this finished it. I'm so disheartened.
Bloodshot (2020)
Vin Diesel Fun
If you go into this movie knowing it's not going to be serious, then you'll enjoy every second. It even has twists that you don't see coming! I was convinced it was a straightforward, what-you-see-is-what-you-get story, but was pleasantly surprised when the storyline caught my off guard MULTIPLE TIMES.
Lower your standards, press play, and enjoy. 8/10.
Big Mouth: Florida (2019)
The Florida song is gold...
...and I usually hate singing in shows and movies. It's that good, I'm prolly gonna learn the lyrics and sing it while doing crimes later.
Do yourself a favor and watch this episode!
Arcane: League of Legends (2021)
How can this be so good while everything else is so bad?
It's like the writers were from another dimension (watch to the end and you'll see). And to say this was visually stunning would be too cliché to do it justice. It truly was a masterpiece in every sense. I loved it, thank you for making something so raw and beautiful.
Dune (2021)
They nailed this.
I read a lot of the reviews talking about this being "slow." Its pacing is perfect. I also heard this is only part one and was initially frustrated they decided to spread this out, I thought it was a money grab. Nope. This journey is too epic for one movie, and moving at a faster pace would weaken its impact. This is masterfully done, I can't wait for the next one.