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Reviews
The Slave and the Sorcerer (2024)
Fun mix of '80s movie, music video and video game cut scene.
You know, I honestly didn't expect much from this. As far as I knew when I first heard of this film, I thought everyone involved was purely out to make a fan project riffing on classic sword and sorcery movies of the 1980s. Now I finally got to see it, and... OK, yes, this is not a Hollywood blockbuster, but this is certainly not an amateur production either. Let's tackle the bad parts first. First, the soundtrack was just too intense in very strange places. Rousing battle music is great when there is actually a battle, but not when the characters are just walking down a dungeon corridor. Decaf, man. It would have been so much more effective to just switch to ambient soundtrack of dripping water at times. Contrasting moods make each of them stand out more. Second, there's... that wig, man. The main character spots long, obviously fake hair that was distracting. I mean, I guess we weren't supposed to take it seriously, but the rest of the make up and costuming is so good that buying a fright wig off of a Spirit Halloween discount rack just doesn't seem right. OK, that's an exaggeration, but it could have been better. Lastly, there were some parts where the acting or special effects were so cheesy it was crazy. But then, thinking about the classic films in this genre, like Hawk the Slayer and The Sword and the Sorcerer, those had over-the-top ham-fisted villains and oh so bad special effects This film got bad, yes, but never as bad as the original films routinely got away with. A lot can be forgiven if the film delivers on the more important parts. Which leads us to the good things: The monsters are varied, the dungeon traps are suitably trippy, the magic is flashy, the main cast seems straight out of the classic fantasy adventure, and the women characters are both attractive and well-written. This won't win any Oscars, but it's a lot of fun. And that's what you want out of a movie like this. I know I watched the whole thing with a smile on my face.
Soft Liquid Center (2023)
Beautiful film, good actors, nice plot idea, poorly handled
I saw that the reviews on this were very polarized, so i thought I'd give it a watch to get my take in. First, the good: The cinematography on this is amazing. Nice color range, very clear, with many shots that could be art pieces on their own. Somebody clearly knew what they were doing. The acting was quite good too despite the cast being entirely made up of unknowns. So far this sounds like a really good movie, right? That's where we run into problems. The pacing is just off, and the story seems at first almost non-existent. There's slow-burn abut this is almost no burn. We spend most of the movie asking ourselves if it is going anywhere. For example, after a while the main character is enjoying a beverage, doing nothing, and decides to watch TV. And we watch the show, and nothing happens to the real movie, but we are so happy because at least something is happening on the show. Thirty minutes in, and it seems like something is going to finally happen, but it turns into a prolonged scene of fisting a watermelon. Not doing much anything was better than doing this. OK, sure, the character was looking for something and hollowed out the watermelon to try to find it, but it didn't really ring true. If a watermelon starts wobbling on its own and you get the notion that something might be inside of it, the first thing I'd be thinking is that it has a rat or insects. I would certainly not shove my arm deep inside trying to scoop the innards out. Fully half the movie is over before we get clear indication that something is wrong, and even there it could just be mental illness or something. And it goes on, and then something actually happens! Sorry, false alarm, it was only a dream. But maybe the dream means something. In the end (very near the end!) we do kind of end up somewhere, and some of the earlier details that didn't seem important kind of fit, but... It just doesn't work. The plot is the kind of thing that sounds good on a 3x5 note card, but you need more than that. This would have made a good 15 minute short. Plus I really don't think this should be called a horror movie. There's a couple of horror-like moments, but they are very brief. This firmly fits more in the magical realism genre. For a first-time effort, this was fairly impressive. It has a few of the right elements, and several really good things about it. But, as a feature film, it's not quite there yet.
Vampire Time Travelers (1998)
Tries to be "So Bad its Good," but that only goes so far.
About five minutes in I decided this was a horrible movie with no redeeming qualities. But when the main cast appeared and the acting went up a notch it was clear that it was trying to be bad. That's where the comedy was coming from. For instance, the main vampire tries to turn into a bat and fails, and this becomes a running bit, with one pretty effective and stealthy pun and several predictable other outcomes. The actresses ham it up, and I thought several were very effective... or at least did pretty well with what they were given. Even for not taking the plot seriously there were a few parts that just didn't work at all. There were more than a few bits that were kind of funny in a surprise left turn kind of way. I wouldn't say that the quality is at Monty Python's Flying Circus level of comedy, but the same kind of absurdity is clearly what they were going for. It's also not your typical time travel movie, despite the title. The parts where that plot gets worked in are pretty random and contribute to the weirdness. I can appreciate what it was trying to do, but in the end I have to rate it compared to other movies. While this is a step above other no-budget productions, it's not that much of a step, and it's only for people who like intentionally stupid things.
Tales from the Hood 2 (2018)
Even better than the first
I had heard rumors this sequel was not as good as the original, but I actually found that I enjoyed it even more than the first. Like most films these days, the review section seems to have attracted a lot of hatred by people who probably never even saw the film but are politically offended. Just think of it as a morality play. If you don't share those morals, you aren't going to be happy.
My only real criticism is that in a couple of places they really over-explained things so that nobody could miss what happened. For instance, something that is clearly foreshadowed in the very beginning is brought up again three or more times later, including in an exhaustive series of flashbacks. That was excessive.
A Blood Story (2015)
Villains versus villains
The main protagonist is one Madison Sheffield, played by Mindy Robinson. In any other movie of this type she'd be the lead villain. You see, Madison just nonchalantly soaks her body in the blood of humans... and killed her husband for arguably less than what she is doing now herself. Now, granted, the Overton window these days is pretty dark, what with the attempted legalization of the killing of immigrants and so forth, but knowingly bathing in blood seems pretty extreme. (Yes, that sound like Elizabeth Bathory. Yes, Bathory is in this. No, it's not Madison.)
Also, speaking of bathing, I don't know if Tubi had an edited print, but this film revels in showing that Madison is naked for long periods of time without actually showing the actress naked. So she has convenient hand placement, or camera angle, or the film is cropped at the exact right place to make it close. It somehow comes off as more humorous than titillating, though, like you are watching a scene in an Austin Powers movie or something. I hear Tubi sometimes has edited movies and sometime has the original version, so I don't know if it was supposed to be this way.
Besides the bathing in blood, Madison has strange dreams. Although they aren't really dreams. Or, mostly anyway. Sometimes she has them at times and places that really wouldn't make sense. And they never really add anything to plot. So whatever.
(Did I mention that the film is really slow moving? It feels like the plot is maybe 15 minutes long and they padded it with an hour of fluff.)
Robert Z'Dar, who was the title character in the Maniac Cop franchise (so the villain, not the hero), plays Gerry the Jaw. He's a mobster who joins up with Madison -- along with a guy who has a flashback that we're all supposed to believe was meaningful but wasn't really and is somehow the non-love love interest who nobody cares about -- to pull off a heist. Except they don't seem to have any plan in mind. This even though they know ahead of time that the people they hope to steal from have some supernatural power, which they don't know the full extent of. I mean, for all they know, the official bad guys of the film had the power to snap their fingers and turn them into frogs. (And that might have been a better ending.)
So, surprise, the non-plan doesn't work. Everything falls to pieces, characters die, which sounds like it'd be exciting but isn't. The protagonist is in bondage and threatened with certain death after more naughty near-naked squirming. Then something that feels like a deus ex machina saves her. Madison later explains that it wasn't really random, that she had planned this with one of the bad guys. Except said person earlier was the whole reason the non-plan fell apart in the first place. So... why?
I mean, if Madison had planned all these deaths too, it would mean she wouldn't have to split the loot. That fits her character, but there's no indication that she did that. Instead she moons over the death of the guy. And it ends like we are supposed to believe it was a love story.
Also... genre favorite Linnea Quigley shows up briefly about midway to say that she wants to have the baby of a meaningless other character. That character is played by... the director/writer of the film. And... they were supposed to be siblings. It's played off as a joke, but these characters make no impact on the movie itself. He spent a chunk of the film's budget to make this exact scenario play out.
In the end, this movie is a long string of "But.. Why?!?"s over and over, both for what the film shows and what happened behind the scenes. This time I don't want any of those questions answered, because I am afraid of what the answers would be.
Death Park: The Beginning (2021)
Park Bores: The Fan-of-Dumb Menace
It shouldn't be surprising that "cheap horror movie where killer dons a Trump mask" is now a bonafide genre of films. Being the most boring one of the lot is nothing to brag about.
(I really have to wonder if these titles are made by supporters of the former President who get off on pointless deaths or people who hate him but have nothing else to say. Surely the field is ripe for a more nuanced and interesting take.)
At any rate, the plot is basically: random person walks in park, random person is killed, repeat. Yeah. Like a dozen or more times, sometimes depicted and sometimes just in the backstory. Then a bunch of stable geniuses decide that the best thing to do is to kill him, instead of, you know, calling the National Guard. Why does nobody call the National Guard? (See, i already stumbled upon more social satire than this movie has.)
One of the reasons there are so many deaths is because this project is a series of short films stitched together, and each of these films had to have something happen, and all they could think of was more and more killing.
I'm sure I don't need to say that nobody can act (heck, none of them are even photogenic), it's shot on video, it has no lighting, and it will never ever have action figures or other merchandise. Oh, wait, it's just Trump, so, in a sense, it has all that already. You too can own the mask that was used in this movie!
The craziest part is there is a sequel. I will not be watching it, because I can't imagine there was somehow a huge jump in quality.
Why does this rate a 2 instead of a 1? Well, my rule is that the lowest rating is reserved for movies that don't even have enough plot or visuals to actually be considered movies. Low bar, for sure, but some things are slightly worse than this.
Resurrection County (2008)
Probably one of the more realistic films of its type, but realistic isn't necessarily entertaining
The first thing I noticed about the film was its promo image. It's effective: it's both brutal and spooky. Turns out is not an image from the film. The film's two female stars are a long-haired brunette and a short-haired redhead (the latter seems to be channeling Susan Ruttan for some bizarre reason... maybe someone was a huge fan of LA Law?). There are scenes that are highly similar to the image, though.
The major premise of this movie is that the main characters go off to the woods to ride their ATVs. They are going mudding, basically. It's a movie about rural people who happen to have some disposable income versus rural folks who are dirt poor and insanely violent from extreme politics. They are the type of bad guy that actually exists in this world, unlike ghosts and werewolves and genius serial killers and so forth. Normal rural people are also included in this movie, most dramatically in a law enforcement officer who demonstrates professionalism and tolerance. There are also some morally ambiguous characters to varying degrees. But the people who are villains are hardcore evil. For example, there are at least three attempted victims of nonconsensual sexual activity. But the filmmakers avoid showing anything except the violence,
The biggest problem with the film is that there's something off about the pacing. Most films have something to hook you and then a lead up to a flurry of activity. This one has big things happen, a conspicuously long gap in the middle where they added characters and nothing is really happening, and finally things happening again.
In all, it was maybe a slightly above average film, but it has nothing that's a must-see.
Ah-ga-ssi (2016)
Clever crime drama
The start of this film makes it look like merely a competent period crime story. At some point -- and I won't give any spoilers to hint at when or how -- it suddenly changes from mundane to stunning. We get multiple angles, and what we thought was happening wasn't the whole story. They do a masterful job of making it all fit, and even exceeding what was expected at that point. I'm really not even sure what was needed to bump this into a 10/10 movie, I just subjectively wouldn't call it the best of the best films... but it comes extremely close. Well worth a watch as long as the presence of subtitles doesn't irrationally turn you off immediately.
Unholy Night (2019)
Above average anthology show
Horror anthologies are a dime a dozen. A lot try to just slap unrelated stories from short film compositions together without even an attempt at making sense of the stories and call it a day. This one, though, has a stealthy way of bringing everything together. Each story also largely covers area that is pretty common in horror films while at the same time putting an interesting twist on it. There were a few times something happened and I immediately notes that I don't remember seeing that before, despite the number of horror films I've watched at this point. And a few scenes were definitely fun to watch. Recommended.
Liebe zwischen Tür und Angel - Vertreterinnen-Report (1973)
Movie works better when it's not cut excessively
So far there is only one other review. The other reviewer saying that it's only 69 minutes and features very little nudity. That barely even sounds like the same film. The review is old, so it may have been working off an older print that was censored somewhere. Not even minor ones, but apparently enough to remove about the only thing this movie is known for: extended scenes of men talking about their sexual conquests, with full length flashbacks, some of which feature two or even three women, in succession or at the same time. The version I saw is 83 minutes long, and I swear it feels like there is near constant nudity. When the traveling salesmen are just talking back and forth before they get into a story they are even watching women in a nearby strip club who somehow are dancing in front of clear glass windows. Even when things are not explicit something is always being teased or implied. Even with 14 minutes (!) chopped out, I'm dubious that they could have cut enough for someone to say there's very little shown. How would that even be possible? What movie did you see?
Suspiria (1977)
Absolute classic of cinema, in top 10 horror movies of all time
The dream-like cinematography of bright colors and dark shadows really sets the stage for the most fantastical film in the horror genre. Where the movie the VVitch would, years later, bring scary paranoia cold burn colorless realism to the genre, Suspiria represents frenetic phantasmagoria of fantasy realism, saturated colors mysterious stalker that becomes so much more than just that. It seamlessly mixes slasher Italian giallo aesthetics with supernatural impending doom. The end result is an amalgamation that exceeds it two source horror subtypes, like if you successfully smashed Alien with The Exorcist to make one outstanding film.
Dragon Age: Redemption (2011)
Dragon Age webisodes, featuring Felicia Day and a plot that came out the game FAQ
This was originally mini web episodes, like Felicia's Day famous work, The Guild. The beginning of every episode features a wall of exposition about the Dragon Age game and it's background, with a barely readable grunge font to fit its so-wannabe-edgy-it's-cringe setting. Everyone is a slave, and outlaw, and the best at what they do, but enchained to society, and all the names are either clumsily made up or stolen from mythology. When we are done with reading this episode's exposition, we return to the episode itself, where we have the characters reciting more exposition to each other. They try to get around that by having Felicia Day's character say, "I know that," as if this major violation of the "show don't tell writing" advice can be forgiven. Then something might happen for 60 seconds, with video game logic (we'll shoot colored light at someone and they lose the next 5 turns). And then the next episode starts abruptly with another crazy text crawl. On the plus side, it assembles a party much like a Dungeon and Dragons group would do, and they bicker just about as much. It kind of feels like something you could see happening in a roleplaying game night. As far as fantasy goes, it's plot and effects are just as fine as Hawk the Slayer or Deathstalker (which are not great either) but nothing like The Princess Bride or Dragonslayer.
Heir of the Witch (2023)
Very slow start, ending redeemed it quite a bit
I watched the vast majority of this movie just hating it. It seemed like the plot was was just barely going through the standard horror tropes. All the main characters are bland or unlikable. The main actress is playing a plain and overlooked woman, but she's the most radiant one there.
So far, those are pretty typical problems for a horror movie. But the absolute worst problem is the pacing. Everything plods along with very little rhyme or reason. We get largely useless flashbacks. There are several abrupt time jumps that, instead of being effective, feel like scenes were just missing. One gap is probably eight months long, with no forewarning. With one of the victims there's a scene where we think logically that she surely must have been killed, but shortly after we get another scene where she's still alive and not even addressing having gone through anything earlier, followed quickly by a suggestion that she just got killed for real that time, but no actual scene explaining any of it. I think you're supposed to guess, but at that point it doesn't seem to fit what we know.
Closer to the end than it had any reason to, the movie took a wild turn. There was a quick succession of deaths, and a major mystery was revealed that I never saw coming. A couple of scenes were revisited, with a quick suggestion that there were other important things going on. But it's already over, credits are rolling. This was the making of a great movie. But it doesn't really work to just stuff it at the end like that.
This script badly needed a rewrite to take care of the pacing. The first two thirds of the movie should have been the first third, maybe. We got some hints, but there could have been a few more, maybe some red herrings. Parts that do not contribute to the overall plot (and a few characters even) should have just been ripped out. We needed more time at the end, and we could have seen some of the repercussions of what happened. It doesn't even have to all be denouement, if it were parceled out better we could process each step and build suspense about what that one was going to mean before the next one hit. And the loose threads could have been addressed in a satisfying way. For example, at this point I don't know if an important character lived or died, based upon what we know at the end.
I hope I danced around the spoilers successfully. Even knowing that there is a spoiler can in itself be a kind of spoiler, but I mention it so you don't give up on this movie before it's over. At least one of the reviews said they bailed before it finished, which is a shame. Fast forward a little if you have to, but don't just turn it off.
Beyond the Seventh Door (1987)
Flashes of competency in otherwise dull film
Beyond the Seventh Door is a basement budget film with the premise of people trying to escape a dungeon in which every room has a different puzzle or trap. It predates the more famous film Cube, but it certainly was not the first movie with this theme. Writer/director Bozidar D. Benedikt is originally from Yugoslavia, now Croatia, and has a website that calls himself "a grandmaster of literature" who supposedly invented "a brand new literary style" of religious thrillers, or suspense with morals. Right. The film feels like an extended version of a Twilight Zone episode but with fewer production values.
The leading man is someone calling himself Lazar Rockwood. He appears to have chosen his alias like a porn name before realizing that the film was only PG-13. Or, who knows, maybe it originally was going to be X-rated until the actress saw this guy. Lazar is also from Yugoslavia, and we can only speculate about why he was cast as the leading man. He mumbles, he's stumbling into middle age with a '70s hairstyle, and he doesn't seem like he could solve any puzzles. On the other hand, I kind of like that he's a more realistic depiction of low life scum than we normally see in a movie. He's certainly not the typical underwear model-turned actor pretending he can't get any job he wants just by flashing a smile. I can believe that this guy resorts to crime to get by.
The leading woman is Bonnie Beck, and she seems to be the only reason anyone watches this film. She is charismatic, ends up with most of the dialog. And wears a flimsy French maid's costume that starts losing pieces until she is basically just in her underwear. This seems to have been the actress's largest role in a career that otherwise features appearances as Hooker #1 and the victim of the week in episodes of Friday the 13th, the Series... twice! Of course, this is more a reflection of the type of roles available to women at the time, so it's hard to fault her for just doing what most every actress was doing back then.
The end of the movie does much to redeem some of the earlier oddities with the plot by suggesting that they were not mistakes but intentional. It was not so crazy of a plot twist that it felt like cheating, but in many ways it seemed like too little of a pay off for having to sit through everything else. This is one of these films that would have been much better if it were either quite a lot shorter or replaced nonsense content with something far more interesting. They could have added suspense with better traps, side characters that existed to be cannon fodder, more red herrings, or greater focus on the owner of the mysterious castle. Of course, by adding much of any of that it might as well have just been a completely different movie. This is what we ended up with.
Flesh Is Heir To (2020)
Just a ridiculous, amateur movie that contradicts itself all the way through
Their are two main stars of this movie. One, Charlie, is a singer and detective, int he sense that they have no idea what the police are like and so acts in weird stereotypical TV detective nonsense ways. The other, CeCe, is supposed to be an important physicist, with an even more absurd notion of what a physicist would be. There is crazy woo-woo nonsense that's even more absurd than normal for the New Age crowd that the character accepts uncritically. ("You must have seen another dimension! Because that totally makes sense! And so the guy you saw kill people is in an alternate reality, and you therefore totally have no reason to be worried about this reality's version, honestly!!!") None of this makes a bit of sense, but, to make it worse, they toss in a wildly over the top feminist rant at the exact same time we are showing extended amounts of wildly gratuitous nudity. ("Let's exploit these actresses while we have them preach about not willing to be exploited! We're so smart!") And they toss in a a music video for no reason other than to make viewers think they are cool. This is just awful. Avoid, Not even so bad it's good, just bad.
Beyond the Black Rainbow (2010)
A bad trip
Just awful. Slow, meaningless and bordering on random for how little there is here. Don't let people fool you into thinking that this is deep. They are just tripping and also think the back of their hand is fascinating.