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happyhappycreature
Reviews
Resident Evil: Vendetta (2017)
So jaw-droppingly cliche it transcends itself into greatness
With personality traits like "bulky" and "motorcycle", handsome CGI men fight increasingly ridiculous monsters in increasingly ridiculous ways while CGI women with traits like "busty" and "barefoot in a wedding dress" spend their time either offscreen or unconscious. I was awe-struck by the blood, sweat, and tears that made something so incredibly stupid look so incredibly good. It has in equal parts some of the most epic and epically awful fight scenes I've ever seen. Imagine the best fighters doing the absolute dumbest moves with the grace, speed, and elegance of John Wick. One scuffle involves two guys rolling on the ground in circles around each other while shooting guns. Special ops fighters who clearly know about zombies are decimated by a single child zombie after they forget there are zombies. I won't spoil the part with the railgun, but it had me HOLLERING; there are even like two lines of dialogue that might make you feel an emotion. I was delighted and awed at both the excellence and lack thereof and found both aspects hugely entertaining. It's slick, bombastic, gorgeous, and slightly inane--in other words, it's a Resident Evil movie. Go watch it!
Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness (2021)
I watched for the plot :)
I had no idea about Resident Evil when I watched it, but the animation was shiny so I idly jumped in while it was being played in the apartment lounge. I somehow went the whole series without learning anyone's names and only found out the main guy was called Leon after the fact. Maybe they didn't say his name very much? But in any case, I was also distracted by how pretty said main guy was. He had a cool leather jacket, a rocket launcher, and seemed like a pretty decent person who tried to protect ordinary people and had a dope scene fighting zombie rats on a submarine with cheesy (ha) one-liners. Coming in as I did with absolutely no expectations or even initial intention to watch, I thought it was a fun three-braincell romp that left me with deep questions like "where did they get all that acid?" and "why was the evil plan to slowly fill a silo with said acid?" and "how did nobody notice them building this evil lab and filling it with that much acid?". However, all the bizarre Rube-Goldberg plot pieces and funky slick animation made it feel that much more like a video game and allowed for some fun action to unfold. The bonkers B-movie sci-fi sets with their predictable outcome and earnest characters doing their best was actually a pretty fun break from reality and a nice movie night. I enjoyed it and would totally watch it again!
Kozí príbeh (2008)
Citizen Kane who?
Truly an emotional rollercoaster and a cultural reset. In recognition of achieving this pinnacle of cinema, I propose BGS/AGS (Before Goat Story/After Goat Story) to replace BCE/CE.