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XXX-mas (2023)
8/10
An Absolute Blast
26 January 2024
Off the bat, I'm a little biased because I have an Associate Producer credit. That being said, other than Felissa Rose's involvement and the basic premise, I knew very little about the film until I actually got to watch it. I was not disappointed. As someone who actively worships in the slasher genre, I have seen way worse films than this. The premise is interesting because the killer is really Santa Claus, not just some guy in a suit. The plot is a little thin, as they usually are, but the motive reveal twist is still very satisfying. On point special effects, very splattery. Considering the type of film this is, ample nudity from both sides of the spectrum, and a lot of the ladies are super curvy and the boobs are real. Even the performances are mostly not bad. My one gripe is the tag on ending. Generally in slasher films there's a tag on ending that tends to leave thing "open" in case a sequel happens. Open to a sequel, just confused as to what even happened in that final scene. Anyway, a perfect adition to anyone's holiday horror list.
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Heredity (2010)
1/10
The Literal Worst
17 January 2024
Warning: Spoilers
I've never seen a film coast harder off one moment of shock value and zero substance. Maybe it was the hype that ruined it, but I've also never seen a film make every character so unlikeable. In fact, other than the sweet girl they kill 20 minutes into the movie, this film runs like a master class in how to make an audience hate all your characters and literally root for nothing but their demise. Their demise, by the way, comes far too late and on the tails of them bastardizing actual pagan rituals. They do decide to give you a second moment of shock value at the end as you breathe a sigh of relief that most of the terrible people get what they deserve, but nothing is better about this movie then it ending. That being said, Ari did follow this up with a masterpiece, just a shame we had to be introduced like this, because I still don't fully respect them.
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Saw X (2023)
2/10
Honest Take
29 December 2023
I know everyone has very little common sense now-a-days and that every mindless horror fan was super ready to stand by this film just because Tobin Bell and Billy are in it...but let's be real. Even though Tobin Bell is a revelation, and the only reason this gets more than one star, this movie is terrible. The cast, other than Tobin, is lackluster as hell, specifically Shawnee Smith literally giving the worst performance of her entire career. The traps, one of the draws of this series, are all unispired rehashes of traps we've seen before, besides the vacuum one that doesn't actually happen. The twist(s), the most important part of these films, easily predictable and unthrilling. Honestly, this is the weakest film in the entire series. It does very little to expand upon the Jigsaw we already know and, although it sets up an antagonist of sorts, they are clearly just a place holder for another cash grab prequel/sequel. When considering the network of protégés Jigsaw has amassed, it's a shame they don't consider diving a little deeper into that. This series still has potential, it's just a shame this realizes almost none of that.
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10/10
Literally Brilliant
22 December 2023
This is one of the few films I use to gauge how smart people are. If you saw this and didn't like it, you're mentally challeneged. Don't even get me started on taste. I also assume you don't watch a lot of movies. Not only is this brilliant from an acting standpoint, the script is lightyears ahead of anything that has come out of Hollywood in the last decade. The clever use of plot divices, relevant historical nods, suspense, mystery, intrigue; no stone is left unturned. Things even end on a positive note and it doesn't feel forced. Tarantino would be proud. In fact, this was a better Manson film than Once Upon a Time in Hollywood every day of the week, without question.
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1/10
An Unfunny Joke
17 December 2023
I'm not sure what was going through the director's head or who signed off on this script and thought it would be a good idea to drag the Evil Dead name through the mud, but this isn't it. A bad modern possession film, all day, but Evil Dead? Hell no. I didn't think it was possible, but this one manages to be even worse than the remake. At least the people behind the scenes on the remake seemed like they actually sat through the entire original film. This is, point blank, unimpressive and completely unispiried, just another studio attempt at cashing in on a name until there is absolutely zero substance left to it. If their goal was killing the series, they succeeded.
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School's Out (1999 TV Movie)
1/10
Robert Sigl Pinches One Off
26 November 2023
Love it or hate it, every country was cashing in on the slasher craze brought on by the likes of Scream, and Germany was no different. Robert Sigl delivers a subpar after school special mess that is just interesting enough to entertain. The killer looks good enough and the actual slasher part of the film is fun, but the dragged out Scooby-Doo whodunit that fades into the background stylistically in every sense for 45 minutes after that is not. I used to think this film at least had heart, but then I interacted with the director and found out that wasn't true at all. Honestly, other than the swordfish kill, this is absolutely avoidable. Understandable that Fangoria never picked up the sequel.
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Dead Island: Schools Out 2 (2001 TV Movie)
1/10
An Understandly Forgotten Entry
26 November 2023
You know, I can't say this is a very bad film at all. In fact, I would say I almost like this better than the first. It trims the fat in a lot of the right places which, by proxy, fixes a lot of the pacing issues that plauged its predessesor. However, based on a few recent interactions with the director, I can understand why this one, and most of his other films, never ended up with state-side releases. You can only watch this in German without subtitles so if you're a completist, I guess go for it, but otherwise don't feel bad about leaving this film and its director in obscurity; they deserve it.
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The Nightgown (2023 Video)
7/10
Surreal Supernatural Slasher
17 June 2023
I may be a little biased because I did donate to the project, but I rather enjoyed this film. The slasher elements really help keep the supernatural ones from dragging, which is huge for me. The visuals and sound lend incredibly well to the surreal aspect of the film, they almost made me feel drunk a few times. Even the stylized CGI was very smartly used. If I had one complaint it would be about the leads. All of them do a good job carrying the film, to a point, but when things get down and dirty all three of them really dropped the ball. Considering the modest budget, though, this is extremely well done. Bravo.
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1/10
The Right Idea, Wrong Delivery
3 May 2023
Warning: Spoilers
The term LGBTQIA+ Christian is an oxymoron. No self-respecting queer would ever align themselves with something founded on the segregation and genocide of entire communities, not to mention the countless members of our own community who have suffered abuse from the same institution. It's hurtful and extremely damaging that the people who made this think that the problem can also be the solution. Even though this project started with the purest intentions and is filled with information everyone should know, this film loses all credibility when it quickly devolves into a gay Christian recruitment video. Why would someone go through all the trouble to expose a religious organization's exploitation of a sacred text just to use their "last word" to support and help that religious organization's cause? You can't take back something that was never meant for you, regardless of translation or who found what. What a shameful waste of an opportunity and platform.
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5/10
Unrated Cut
6 January 2023
This is a very odd film. There are a lot of topics on display here from manslughter to kidnapping. None of them are handled particularly well, or with much sense, by any of the offbeat characters that inhabit this forced cult of a society, but it is quite a unique way to waste an hour and a half. Think Dead End Drive-In in a more drab, 70s kind of way, with crazier cars and more blood. I just did a side by side comparison of my New Line VHS and my Home Vision Entertainment DVD release (the one that comes with The Plumber as a double feature) and I'm happy to report that even though the DVD says it only runs the R Rated cut time of 86 minutes, it is, in fact, the full 91 minute Unrated print. I also recommend watching the DVD over the VHS. The VHS is extremely washed out and the DVD lets you see so much more of what's going on, even though it doesn't help it make more sense. Even the audio/video sync is better on the DVD. The double feature aspect makes the DVD worth the price.
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The Ripper (1985 Video)
6/10
Unrated Cut
3 April 2022
Although the movie is poorly written and very slow it gains some attention for the involvement of Tom Savini as well as some exceptionally done gore and make-up effects. I recently sat down and screened my 'Ripper Blood Pack' VCI DVD release alongside my 'Unrated' Congress Video VHS and am happy to report that both cuts of the movie run the exact same length. There is only one slight difference between the prints and it occurs during the final showdown, when the killer is finally revealed. In the original VHS release, the killer uses their right hand in the final scene, contradicting historical accuracy they literally discuss in the film; in the DVD release they mirror flipped the entire final scene so that the killer is using their left hand instead. It's quite an interesting little 80s oddity, if you're into slasher films you'll find something to like here.
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Crepitus (2018)
6/10
Ridiculous, Over-The-Top Fun
23 September 2020
I think the reviews on here so far are a little stilted, so I feel like I must offer up something a little more honest. I live about an hour and a half from where the majority of this film was made in small town Northern Michigan and I even got to catch the "home town" premiere at the local movie theater there. It was quite an experience attending the viewing with the director, and a few others involved, sitting in on the screening; it was kind of tense. Given the situation, I just think a lot of people were in awe. I, on the other hand, viewed the film a little more realistically, and actually had to stifle a few giggles because it felt like the entire audience was taking the film too seriously...and I just don't think that's how it was meant. The antics from the mother alone are so off-the-wall bonkers it's hard not to smile. Plus, Bill Moseley popping up as a clown reciting messed up nursery-type rhymes is an absolute delight. All that said, this is a low budget movie. As a person who would sit down and watch this in the first place, you should already have some idea of what you're getting yourself into. Maybe parts of the project are a little green, but this movie has a lot of heart and you can tell the people involved were at least enjoying themselves while they were exploring this world. I've heard talk of a sequel and, honestly, I'm here for it. The Crepitus character has a lot of potential, expanding on that with a touch more money would be golden. Regardless, if you're into killer clowns, there are much, much, much worse movies than this.
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Laughter (2012)
7/10
Tragically Under-Appreciated
23 September 2020
I was lucky enough to win a convention copy of this wonderful little slasher film that has sadly fallen into obscurity. Honestly, Laughter has just as much going for it as any other killer clown flick, maybe even a little more at times. It can get a little goofy here and there, but this film always brings it right back in your face with heavy amounts of red stuff. Troma would be proud and Full Moon could take some notes...Killjoy...*cough, cough* If you get a chance, watch it. This film deserves way more attention than it gets.
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If You Like Trash Directed By Terrible People Look No Further
26 May 2020
There aren't enough words in the English language to describe just how awful this film is. Completely devoid of substance and lacking of any redeeming quality. Not to mention what an awful person the director is. Absolutely nothing worth anything here.
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A Trash Film Directed By A Trash Person
26 May 2020
The title of this review says it all. Never in my life have I ever dealt with a person quite as unbearable as Stephen Biro and his less than poor quality film is a clear and direct reflection of that. Literally unwatchable.
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Occupied (2011)
5/10
Am I The Only One That Got It?
4 June 2014
Warning: Spoilers
I don't think this movie was that terrible. In fact, I find it an interesting character study. People who suffer psychotic breaks due to the loss of a loved one are an interesting bunch and I feel like, topically, this one hit the nail right on the head. It is true that there are long periods of down time, but I felt like it was appropriate to capitalize on the lapses of time that our lead lost when suffering her episodes. Most of the questions I saw posted are answered in the film if you just pay attention and the ones that aren't, aren't for a reason. There is no force on Earth that can let us into the head of someone dealing with these issues and I feel like the script handled it better than any other I've seen. In total, there's a cast of about five and the majority of the film just deals with the main two in a single setting. The acting/interaction starts a little stilted but gets progressively better as things start to unravel. It gets claustrophobic at times and the ending is absolutely chilling. I think if you're expecting a horror film you'll be very disappointed, but if you're looking for something different and dramatic (and have the attention span to commit to it) there are worse ways to spend 88 Minutes of your time.
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2/10
Worst SOV Slasher Ever?
13 November 2013
I'd like to sit here and bash this film, but, for some reason, I am thoroughly unable. No matter how bad this film is, and it is bad (even for SOV), it never fails to draw me back in. There are days I find myself thinking about this film for absolutely no reason (like right now), more often then not I find myself re-watching it. It is this fact that keeps me from giving it a full on one star and probably part of the reason I just can't hate too much on it. Something that can make a lasting impression, whether good or bad, is a testament to the energy that went into it and makes me fully respect the people that worked on it, even if they did turn out a pile. I'd even recommend watching it, if you keep an open mind you might not not enjoy it as much as I did.
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