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Titanic (1996)
Shipdreck
Who the hell decided that this was a good idea? The very fact that TV producers have to invent bogus love stories to make the greatest and most famous maritime disaster in history more interesting is insulting - to introduce a fictional rape is positively impertinent.
Had anyone involved in this crap ever heard of the Titanic before? It didn't seem like it, as others have noted before me the inaccuracies in construction of the ship itself along with the events portrayed is simply laughable.
As for the performances, George C. Scott - one of my all time favourite actors - must have been really hard up to stoop to this clunking mess, and Catherine Zeta Jones, well...the Oscars really don't mean anything if talentless pouting hacks like this wooden woman can win one, or perhaps her husband helped buy her it, and as mentioned Marilu Henner gave possibly the least-like Margaret Brown performance ever.
Add to this mix of wooden performances, some hammy ones too - most notably Tim Curry, who was hamming it up something rotten - if only he had twiddly bits on his moustache and said "curses!" every 5 minutes, he would be ideal for the local am-dram group's pantomime villain this year.
With all the wood and ham on display, everyone could have been saved from this Titanic disaster, sailing on a sea of wooden performances and eating ham sandwich soliloquies till they reached New York.
Avoid this rubbish at all costs!
The Sunshine Boys (1996)
Awesomely Awful
I am a great fan of Neil Simon's work, and of the original film version starring Walter Matthau and George Burns in a truly wonderful and memorable film.
To say this film sucks is an understatement, I can see why they updated the old guys routine from vaudeville to 50s TV, but I still didn't see any need to make this - even as a TV movie - AT ALL! As another poster pointed out, Peter Falk and Woody Allen appear to be in 2 completely different films with absolutely zero chemistry between them, Falk in particular is awesomely awful in his hammy OTT portrayal of Willie Clark in comparison to Allen's subtle naturalistic style - indeed one is left asking how if these two ever shared a coffee and a chat together, never mind a TV career.
Again, I love both Allen and Falk, but they are just so miscast in a mis-idea to remake this, even if it does have Simon's fingerprints on the updated script.
One of the worst TV movies ever.