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Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (1985)
Blech
I have officially vomited in my own mouth, thanks to this movie.
I expected the absolute worst with this movie, but I expected a heartwarming and pleasurable absolute worst. This is just terrible. Absolutely terrible. Terrible like Nazis spreading the black plague. Let me explain: Ewoks are speaking English. It's horrible.
The villain girl looks like she travelled from the future set of Power Rangers. I really really want her to rise up from the ground and say "At last! After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer Earth!" The putties... er, I mean the big bad whatever the heck they are... they growl a lot. Many of them look like an even lamer version of the Cryptkeeper. The Cryptkeeper was pretty cool, but these guys were not.
The only merit to this movie was Paul Gleason. This movie might have been better if he'd went to the bad guys and said "If I have to come in here again, I'm crackin' skulls." It would have been even better if one of the Ewoks was played by Judd Nelson, who mouthed his words as he said this.
Also, that speedy little creature is pretty badass. Word to that.
No word to the movie, though. I want to give this movie a two. I want to, so badly. There's a passage I have memorized: The path of this movie is beset on all sides by the inequities of terribleness and the tyranny of spin-off awfulness. Blessed is nothing, for this movie blows.
Die unendliche Geschichte III: Rettung aus Phantasien (1994)
This movie gets a 2 only because it has the words "Neverending Story" in the title
I would have given this movie a 1, if not for the fact that is has something to do with The Neverending Story. That alone is points. Unfortunately, this movie had not other points.
It is silly, overacted at times, and underacted at others. The story and the way it's played out insult even the youngest viewer's intelligence.
Hmmm... well, I would say Jack Black's presence alone might boost it up to a 3, but then again I'm embarrassed he was here. As a matter of fact, I'm embarrassed this movie has the title it does. So here's my new breakdown for this god-awful piece of crap: 1 point is the minimum, and then a half-point for being a Neverending Story movie, and another half-point for having Jack Black in it.
Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Among the BEST remakes of all time
This is an amazing, excellent "re-imagining" that requires fans of the old series to check their nostalgia at the door and hold on tight for a ride in supspense, drama, action, and intensity all around. This is one of those movies where both the drama keep you at the edge of your seat.
The show, of which this is the pilot, has not fallen short once. Character development is emphasized, as are social and political issues that one could expect to see in such an environment.
Also, it should be noted that this in no way is a rip-off of anything, including the original series. The first half hour or so of this movie may seem like a huge, blatant rip-off of Star Trek, but I believe that is one of the wittiest and most fantastic things about it. It starts off with the organized, utopian star fleet... but then it rips a hole right through every Trekian notion. Instead of being a journey to "where no man has gone before", for the sake of discovery and prosperity (all b.s., by the way), this is a struggle for survival.
Please, for your own sake, check this out.
Ghosts of Mars (2001)
John Carpenter gives us a John Carpenter movie
This movie was like Escape from New York, on Mars, with a bit more gore. John Carpenter does here what he does best: give us John Carpenter movies. There is a particular cult nature to everything he makes, and there is no way that this movie went through all the stages of production without someone realizing it wasn't exactly an Oscar contender. In my opinion, although not a particularly great movie, it is a perfect B movie for an age where B movies are actually too bad to watch and are all direct-to-video. This movie is an example of the B movies we like to see.
Peace, J.C., and let's hope you keep making awesome movies.
Batman Begins (2005)
Amazing two-part film; the most epic Batman of them all...
This movie was simply amazing. This is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen. It is just cinematic ally overwhelming. The plot, the characters, everything is fleshed out.
Batman does not make an appearance until an hour or so into the movie, and to be honest if the movie had ended right before it I wouldn't have minded. Batman was not the important part here. As a matter of fact, the movie sort of fell apart a bit after Batman was introduced. The absolute greatest part of this movie is the hour-long homage to Samurai and Gong-fu movies. Bruce Wayne is presented as a warrior, someone looking for his path. For the first time in any Batman movie, we get to see that Bruce is the real hero. In the other movies it's so simple to think of it as two personalities, but here we see Bruce Wayne donning a Batman costume, not turning into Batman.
This movie was just spectacular.
Minus one star for having the Scarecrow's role diminished at the end. I would have liked to see more of him. Otherwise it's perfect.
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Citizens in Petrol.
That's how I envisioned the end of this movie. Everyone on the set being drenched in high octane superunleaded grade A petroleum and then being set on fire in front of a live studio audience. That would have at least been entertaining.
There is not much good about the movie. The acting is bad. The writing is vomitous. The characters are so lame that you just want to hit them over the head with a Black and Decker toaster oven. I don't know what happened here, but this movie sucks.
Play-Mate of the Apes (2002)
Okay...
I was at my sister's house in Queens, staying the night, and I happened to be browsing through the channels. Cinemax, forever known as Skinemax, happened to be playing this movie.
It was.... interesting.
I happened to stay tuned throughout most of the film, every once in a while just finding the need to shut it off and read George Gipe's adaptation of Gremlins.
It was funny, and I'm being honest. It was so ridiculous that it was pretty funny. The guys in the ape suits were so incredibly cheesy that they made no effort to cover it up. There's a scene at the end where one of the girl puts on one of the ape masks, just so anyone at home who hasn't figured it out already will know that they are only masks.
So there were sex scenes, then apes talking, then more sex scenes, then apes dancing, then more sex scenes, then apes fighting.
You will not find much pleasure in this movie unless you have a severe Furry fettish.
The best part of the movie was the disco-ball spaceship at the end. I mean, come on. You can't beat that. It's just funny. They didn't even spend any time bluescreening it. It was just a disco ball matted onto the background with some sort of blue light around it.
If you're a porno addict, then I guess enjoy yourself (but not too much), but beware of guys in ape suits.
If you like bad movies, then watch this right after you watch Manos and Plan 9.
Meng long guo jiang (1972)
The Last Act Redeems Just About Everything Else
Really, the only part of this film worth praise is the fight scene between Bruce and "Colt" at the end. The rest of the movie, as a comedy, works in a sort of "The Gods Must Be Crazy", "What's Up Tiger Lily?" way. But as a martial arts film? No way. It's so bad at times that you really believe he made this movie with the full intention of spoofing martial arts films. The one thing that keeps this movie on its feet is the Gay Translator. That character alone carried the sagging weight of the movie as a kung-fu film. Unfortunately, the weight was picked up and carried as a comedy. Still, there are some notable fight scenes, and if you are kung-fu nut I suppose story doesn't really matter much anyway. I'm a film student, and I've always looked at movies as movies. In watching Kung-fu films I've had to discipline myself in detaching the genre from all other standards of film. These films are about the martial arts, and it's not supposed to matter how utterly bad the movies can be. This is where knowing a lot about movies actually impairs me, where I can't get used to the concept of a movie not existing for the sake of being a good movie.
Oh well.
The fight scene at the end makes you forget about everything else. The way they portray Chuck Norris' character is simply amazing. During the fight scene there was a surprising depth to it all, in which you actually sympathize with Colt. He keeps getting up, and all the while he has this look on his face that shows that he doesn't want to fight anymore, and that he knows he has lost the battle. But he keeps fighting, because that is what he has to do. He knows if he keeps fighting he'll probably die, but he goes on anyway, wearily.
That alone makes the movie, and I hope I've made sense to people.
Phone Booth (2002)
Delivers much more than expected
Why did I give this movie a ten star rating? It's not Rear Window, and it's not this year's Memento either. So why? Well, to be honest with you, I couldn't find anything in the movie that I didn't like. I expected to see a movie about a guy in a phone booth who is told by a caller that he can't leave or he'll be shot. It must mean that I consider these types of premises good, or I would not have spent $8.00 on a ticket and $3.00 on Raisinettes. When I left the theatre, I was completely amazed.
The movie never lets you down, not even for a second. The movie can be qualified as an action movie even though there's really not that much action. Instead, the director chose to use the "24" style edit. This means that instead of breaking the movie down in post-prod scene by scene, the director and the editor chose to show all things that happen simultaneously together at the same time. The result is a "real time" movie, where we never leave the phone booth. Everything else comes up in side boxes as it happens. Brilliant!
At first I thought this wouldn't work, but as the movie progressed I realized it was necessary. There is a scene where there is nothing happening but pure gooey emotion. The director realized that this was one of the most vital parts to the script, but it seemed out of place given the pace of the film. Things were done so when this firstly-conceived emotional scene takes place, you're still biting your nails and on the edge of your seat. At the end of the movie I was actually disappointed. I wanted to go back in the phone booth. I didn't want it to end.
All in all, I was very shocked with the newest from Hollywood's "let's make an independent film which can't be called independent because it was made in Hollywood" genre.
Problem Child 2 (1991)
Ugh
This movie was terrible. It's just really bad. I can't really point the blame at anybody; there's no need to. It's just really depressing, that's all. I feel bad and all, but this movie really hurt me. I just don't understand sometimes. Forget it. Just, don't see this movie. Please. It's really just bad.
Ugh.
Signs (2002)
Amazing film that captures the genius of Shaymalan.
Signs is an amazing movie that exemplifies the true genius that Shayamalan brings to the film world. Shayamalan is one of the most original and brilliant filmmakers ever. His method of "show, don't tell" brings to the Supernatural Thriller what Stanley Kubrik brought to Science Fiction. Signs is the third film in a trilogy of similar but uniquely creative films: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and Signs. Signs moves slowly through the lives of the Hess family: a sworn ex-reverend (Gibson), his much younger brother (Phoenix), and two children. The film jumps right into riddle and foreshadow, then decides to play the field (no pun intended) until the breathtaking final chapter of the film.
After an arrangement of crop signs appear across the globe and in Hess' backyard, his judgement becomes clouded by suspicion, faith, and philosophy. Throughout the film we are exposed to the highway of thought that has been bottled up inside Hess' head. This mixes with the strange supernatural insinuations and pan/tilt pop-up terror. Gibson and Phoenix turn in excellent performances, Gibson now taking on the role of Shayamlan's recurring "quiet protagonist". Phoenix switches gears from his spectacular and underappreciated performance in "Gladiator", to that of a teenager-like adult who acts as both a younger brother and a second father to the children. Signs is a movie that will both frighten you to the point of tears and put you in a deep mediation long after the credits role.
The Green Saga's rating: 10 out of 10
Pink Floyd: The Wall (1982)
Visually astounding.
The Wall, a musical about what happens to a troubled youth when he becomes an adult, is a visually astounding masterpiece that redefines what a musical should be.
Taken from the album The Wall by Pink Floyd, and written by Roger Waters (lead vocals and bass for the band), the film has turned people away who thought it was only for Pink Floyd fans. On the contrary, the film is for anybody who wants to see a real movie. The story is told through images and wide angled sets that are comparable to the cinematography in a Kubrick Film. In the very opening scene (which is one of the most beautiful works of cinematography/set direction ever), you are immediately pulled into the movie and after that you feel like you're floating above your couch. Make sure there are no distractions, because if the phone rings you'll have to take a moment to realize that you're in your living room, like waking from a dream.
There is very little dialogue. Instead, The Wall goes by the slogan that invented movies in the first place: A picture is worth a thousand words. It is in this sense that The Wall is a real movie. Anyone seriously considering a career in film should watch this film as it goes back to the roots of cinema.
Now, the music. The Wall is one of the best albums ever recorded. The dark moods, emotional depth and trance-like rock music is in its own category. The music is remastered for the film, and some music not previously released makes its debut here (eg. When the Tigers Broke Free). If you liked this film, go home and synchronize Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz.
The Green Saga's Rating: 10 out of 10.
The Big Shave (1967)
Excellent short film that launched Martin Scorsese's career.
Martin Scorsese's short film "The Big Shave" is absolutely excellent. The film was produced with almost no budget as his final project in film class at N.Y.U. I was shown this film at the beginning of my film class, and the professor didn't tell us who's film it was. He simply said that it was somebody's final project at N.Y.U. As the credits appeared, we were all amazed to see Martin Scorsese's name. As it turns out, this is the film that launched his career. A very famous film producer attended the N.Y.U. screening that year, and immediately sought to have Scorsese direct a full-length feature film. After that, Scorsese became a household name. The film, about a young man shaving, is set to a bouncy classiscal dance tune, adding a sick sense of humor to the movie. For the entire length of the film, we can see that it definitely reflects Scorsese's style as a director. The camera angles, sudden and unexpected "emotional cut" editing, and use of unprecedented and unpleasant violence are what have become some of Scorsese's trademarks throughout his films. (If you watch Scorsese's "Mean Streets" you will see an example of his "emotional cut" editing, where Robert DeNiro is slowed down in motion to the tune of "Jumping Jack Flash". In "The Big Shave", the same motion of the man pulling his shirt off his repeated quickly three times. Look at Scorsese's other films and see if you can find some of these elements that "break the third wall", but somehow bring you deeper into the film.)
What should be said about this film that gives it a whole new meaning,(watch the film first and then read the rest of this) is that it is actually a metaphor for Scorsese's protest to the Vietnam War. The man enters a perfectly tidy bathroom, shaves, then looks at his clean face and decides to shave again, but this time it's not as plesant, as he soon hurts himself(understatement) and the clean bathroom.
If you are a fan of Scorsese, you must watch this film as it is the most career-representative short film I have seen. If you like short films, are thinking of pursuing a film career, or simply like thought provoking or even disturbing movies, find out how you can get yourself a copy of this film.
The Green Saga's Rating: 10 out of 10 (Short Film Category)
Forbidden Planet (1956)
The birth of TRULY GOOD Science Fiction
I can't describe to you how excellent this film really is. I'll try, though. We'll break it up into two sections: Why it was a great film for the time it was made, and why it would still be an excellent film if it were just made.
The special effects in this film, while we may see them as cartoon-like and cheesy, were greatly beyond anything thought of before this film. In fact, this movie is the one that CREATED the Academy Award for Special Effects. Before this film, there was no such award. Also, the concentration on dialog and deepening plot was very uncommon for "the sci-fi" era of the fifties. There is so much plot that you have to pause your player every now and then just to get a grasp on what's happening.
If this movie were brand new, it would still be excellent. Try to imagine a movie where a team of military spacemen get pulled into a world of psychological philosophy and surreal terror. People would be very willing to appreciate a movie like this now, because most movies can't balance plot and effects. And if a movie can balance the two, its done in such a typical, predictable hollywood style.(e.g. Sphere)
Space Movies would have become extinct if it weren't for this movie. There would have been so many "Midnight Movies" that eventually nobody would make them anymore. Forbidden Planet launched a combination of strong philosophy with entertaining action. You really feel like you're a member of the crew. There is no doubt that James Cameron was at least partly inspired by this film when he wrote "Aliens". If he says he wasn't, maybe he was and just didn't realize it. Maybe he was in his id.
The Green Saga's Rating: 10 out of 10
Ocean's Eleven (2001)
An entertaining homage to crime capers.
I was lucky enough to view this film in a sneak preview the night before it's opening. I have never seen the original, but I must say that this movie was great entertainment that had me laughing, and on the edge of my seat.
The characters in the film could have been developed some more, but their chemistry together was particularly both amusing and cooperative.
The director of this film, after his huge success with Traffic, has definitely shown himself again as a somewhat experimental filmmaker. His various uses of Extreme Close Ups and rapid montage are excellent and thought provoking, and his hypnotic way of using just the right volume of music at the right time puts you in perspective with the characters.
Perhaps the most interesting aspect of this film is that I, myself, felt like Andy Garcia's character. This is because the main cast of thieves kept on surprising the audience little by little, leaving the detective work to us. I truly could not figure anything out of any one scene until the scene was over. This was experimental, because some viewers don't like to try and figure things out, but I believe that it worked.
There are a few problems with the film. One of the problems is that the very talented Matt Damon seemed to have been placed on a low key throughout the film, and the hysterical Bernie Mac seemed to have been given a low profile in the editing room.
However, I still enjoyed this movie tremendously, routed for the bad guys like I was supposed to, and I would recommend this movie to anybody with a free Saturday night.
I rate this film : ******** (Eight out of Ten)