Giantess Battle Attack is idiotic, immature, and obnoxious... but it did manage to wring a few reluctant laughs out of me. Most of it is basically gibberish - even more nonsensical than it's predecessor, Attack of the 50 Foot CamGirl. Still, I felt it was a little more entertaining, mainly due to the inclusion of a few sympathetic characters and an increased focus on the humour. Some will no doubt be drawn to this film because of the sex-appeal, but I can't really recommend it even on that front... After all, it features one of the least sexy sex scenes I've ever seen in a movie (a power drill???), which it reuses a second time à la The Room (an homage, perhaps? Either way, it makes for awkward viewing). All-in-all, it's pretty bad, but I guess it's at least not as insufferable as the first one.
Reviews
11 Reviews
Troll
(2022)
Thoroughly entertaining, but very trope-y
3 December 2022
At it's core what we have here is a classic-style kaiju film set in Norway. It was expertly executed, with visuals that really wowed me, endearing characters, and a sprinkling of humour that gave the film just enough levity without getting in the way of the more dramatic scenes. On the other hand, it's woefully lacking in originality, with most of the scenes borrowing heavily from preestablished tropes. If you've seen a few other kaiju flics, this won't hold many surprises for you. I'd definitely recommend it if you're looking for a fun action movie, but don't go in expecting anything revelatory.
Attack of the 50 Foot CamGirl
(2022 Video)
Like a porn parody, without the sex
26 August 2022
This movie didn't have to be bad. Derivative, yes, but not bad. After all, the same general formula has been used before in Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold and Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader, both of which were surprisingly entertaining. When comparing Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl to those films, the plot makes even less sense (starting from an already low baseline), far fewer of the jokes land (almost none, in fact), and the acting... Well, the acting is a serious contender for the worst I've ever seen.
The fatal flaw of this film, however, is the fact that none of the characters are at all likeable. They're so awful that it takes the experience from boring to unpleasant. It's obvious that we're supposed to hate our protagonist's 2-timing slimeball husband, and his sadistic, envy-stricken mistress, but even the protagonist herself is vile! On top of just generally being mean and dismissive to all the other characters, she's portrayed as incredibly arrogant, going as far as to monologue about how she will be worshiped as a god the world over. Meanwhile the side-characters are just obnoxious and gross.
At the end of the day, if you're looking for a good giantess film, you have lots of options... and this is the worst one. You can safely skip it.
The fatal flaw of this film, however, is the fact that none of the characters are at all likeable. They're so awful that it takes the experience from boring to unpleasant. It's obvious that we're supposed to hate our protagonist's 2-timing slimeball husband, and his sadistic, envy-stricken mistress, but even the protagonist herself is vile! On top of just generally being mean and dismissive to all the other characters, she's portrayed as incredibly arrogant, going as far as to monologue about how she will be worshiped as a god the world over. Meanwhile the side-characters are just obnoxious and gross.
At the end of the day, if you're looking for a good giantess film, you have lots of options... and this is the worst one. You can safely skip it.
Tarantula
(1955)
Entertaining and well performed, if somewhat slow in places
12 August 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Tarantula! Is your quintessential 50s scifi/monster movie. It's about a doctor who, puzzled by the death of a man who appears to have rapidly developed a disorder that ordinarily takes years to manifest, grows suspicious of the research that the man was doing with his partner out in the desert. As it turns out, the two of them devised a synthetic nutrient that can act as the exclusive food source for various animals, but has the peculiar side-effect of causing them to grow rapidly (hence the titular tarantula, who causes a predictable amount of mayhem).
The acting is solid, the special effects are believable, and the premise interesting. I think my main criticism is that the plot feels pretty slow-paced, perhaps owing to the fact that the true nature of the professor's research is revealed to the audience within the first 15 minutes, and we spend most of the rest of the film watching the protagonist uncovering pieces of a mystery that we already know the solution to. I wish we could better share the sense of mystery and discovery no doubt experienced by the protagonist, but it's quite an entertaining film nonetheless.
The acting is solid, the special effects are believable, and the premise interesting. I think my main criticism is that the plot feels pretty slow-paced, perhaps owing to the fact that the true nature of the professor's research is revealed to the audience within the first 15 minutes, and we spend most of the rest of the film watching the protagonist uncovering pieces of a mystery that we already know the solution to. I wish we could better share the sense of mystery and discovery no doubt experienced by the protagonist, but it's quite an entertaining film nonetheless.
Monsters vs. Aliens
(2009)
Entertaining, but lacking in depth and frequently immature.
24 June 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Monsters vs Aliens is a reasonably entertaining action comedy, as you'd probably expect from Dreamworks. Unfortunately, it was really lacking depth, and there were a number of things that really seemed like they warranted further exploration that they just never got.
For example, General W. R. Monger has all these monsters locked up in a super secret government facility where they live in featureless concrete rooms, in some cases for decades. They aren't let outside at all, they have no natural light, and the only contact they have is with the handful of other monsters they are imprisoned with. In addition, some of the monsters really don't seem like a threat at all, and there is very little justification for them being locked up in the first place, and they all seem sad about it. Really seems like W. R. Monger is a "bad guy", but this just isn't addressed or elaborated on in any meaningful way.
Another example: In their first mission, they go and beat up the baddie and complete their task. One of them is pretty useless, and they make a point of calling attention to just how little he contributed, and how insecure he feels after his poor performance. This really seemed like it'd be an important part of the character's development, or the plot going forward. Perhaps one of the other characters could give him a big inspirational speech at the climax to motivate him, or maybe he could have a training montage to be more useful, or maybe he could continue to struggle but in a comedic way to get a few laughs. Instead, once again, this just isn't addressed or elaborated on in any meaningful way. For the rest of the movie he is moderately useful and it just doesn't come up again.
Besides the lack of depth, there was something slightly offputting about the animation style, the jokes were often immature and predictable, and the finale was not as thrilling as some prior action scenes. Over-all, there's still a lot of entertainment value in the action, many of the jokes land, the characters are goofy and endearing, but there are much better movies out there.
For example, General W. R. Monger has all these monsters locked up in a super secret government facility where they live in featureless concrete rooms, in some cases for decades. They aren't let outside at all, they have no natural light, and the only contact they have is with the handful of other monsters they are imprisoned with. In addition, some of the monsters really don't seem like a threat at all, and there is very little justification for them being locked up in the first place, and they all seem sad about it. Really seems like W. R. Monger is a "bad guy", but this just isn't addressed or elaborated on in any meaningful way.
Another example: In their first mission, they go and beat up the baddie and complete their task. One of them is pretty useless, and they make a point of calling attention to just how little he contributed, and how insecure he feels after his poor performance. This really seemed like it'd be an important part of the character's development, or the plot going forward. Perhaps one of the other characters could give him a big inspirational speech at the climax to motivate him, or maybe he could have a training montage to be more useful, or maybe he could continue to struggle but in a comedic way to get a few laughs. Instead, once again, this just isn't addressed or elaborated on in any meaningful way. For the rest of the movie he is moderately useful and it just doesn't come up again.
Besides the lack of depth, there was something slightly offputting about the animation style, the jokes were often immature and predictable, and the finale was not as thrilling as some prior action scenes. Over-all, there's still a lot of entertainment value in the action, many of the jokes land, the characters are goofy and endearing, but there are much better movies out there.
It Came from Beneath the Sea
(1955)
As dumb as you'd expect, and far more boring
24 June 2022
Though the shots actually featuring the beast are quite well done, they are few and far between. The bulk of the film is instead comprised of confused people (who have apparently never heard of an octopus before) struggling to describe what they saw, long walks on the beach, and a downright cringe-worthy romance subplot featuring an outspoken misogynist who aggressively manhandles and belittles the object of his sexual interest. I'd be willing to forgive some of the more awkward sequences as simply being "a product of the era" if there had been more monster in this monster movie, but as it stands, It Came from Beneath the Sea is as dull as it is dumb.
Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah
(1991)
Idiotic, even by retro kaiju standards
4 June 2022
I know that Godzilla isn't a franchise that's known for great writing, but this film is especially terrible in that respect. Not one single plot point makes sense, the film is riddled with plot holes, unexplained occurrences, and plain absurdities. Sometimes the film even sets up reasonable explanations for an event to occur, just to have it happen for completely unrelated reasons that remain nebulous. The special effects and action sequences are decent, but they feel like a marked step down when compared to Godzilla vs Biollante. Not the worst Godzilla movie, but probably the worst of the era.
Gamera vs. Barugon
(1966)
A stand out 60s kaiju film with surprising maturity
2 June 2022
Released only ~6 months after the first Gamera film, it's kind of shocking how much of an improvement this is. Good attention to detail in the special effects, fantastic miniatures, creative monsters, well developed characters, and weighty subject matter, all make for a thoroughly enjoyable and mature kaiju film.
Many have commented that this is the best of the Showa era Gamera films, but I want to emphasize that this film stands out against all it's in-genre contemporaries, including Godzilla. Named characters die, people are seen moving around in buildings immediately before they are destroyed, protagonists become antagonists and monsters become saviours, these darker elements help lend some weight and narrative significance to what would otherwise be mindless monster wrestling matches.
The thing that really makes Gamera vs Barugon stand out to me, though, is it's attention to detail. It's the little things, like the creative camera work that lends a depth to certain shots. I won't go into too much detail so as to not spoil it, but one example that comes to mind is a scene wherein one character is on his knees mourning the loss of a friend in the foreground, and the audience can see the feet of another character in the background, his calm gait conveying his cold demeanor. So much emotion is conveyed with this simple shot. Still, the more dramatic scenes are decidedly undercut by the hammy acting and occasional absurdities.
All-in-all, I think this is a real gem of 60s kaiju cinema. Is the acting hammy? Yes. Are the kaiju suits dorky? Sure. Is the premise silly? Certainly. However, the subject matter is handled with more care, artistry, and attention to detail than one would normally expect from the genre, especially given the era. This one is definitely worth a watch.
Many have commented that this is the best of the Showa era Gamera films, but I want to emphasize that this film stands out against all it's in-genre contemporaries, including Godzilla. Named characters die, people are seen moving around in buildings immediately before they are destroyed, protagonists become antagonists and monsters become saviours, these darker elements help lend some weight and narrative significance to what would otherwise be mindless monster wrestling matches.
The thing that really makes Gamera vs Barugon stand out to me, though, is it's attention to detail. It's the little things, like the creative camera work that lends a depth to certain shots. I won't go into too much detail so as to not spoil it, but one example that comes to mind is a scene wherein one character is on his knees mourning the loss of a friend in the foreground, and the audience can see the feet of another character in the background, his calm gait conveying his cold demeanor. So much emotion is conveyed with this simple shot. Still, the more dramatic scenes are decidedly undercut by the hammy acting and occasional absurdities.
All-in-all, I think this is a real gem of 60s kaiju cinema. Is the acting hammy? Yes. Are the kaiju suits dorky? Sure. Is the premise silly? Certainly. However, the subject matter is handled with more care, artistry, and attention to detail than one would normally expect from the genre, especially given the era. This one is definitely worth a watch.
Daimajin
(1966)
An excellent monster, headlining a dull film
2 June 2022
I absolutely love the design and execution on the titular Daimajin. He's menacing, creepy, and his costume is superb. The shots he's in are fantastic as well, featuring excellent miniatures and puppets. Unfortunately, as excellent of a monster as he is, he's reserved for use at the film's climax as a deus ex machina.
The rest of the film is essentially a subpar period drama set in feudal Japan. The characters are all incompetent, forming terrible plans and failing even worse than expected. The swordplay is plentiful, but falls flat because there is no blood or cut clothing to indicate when anyone gets hit. The sets frequently look like they were made of paper mache (probably because they were). Still, the occasional scene reveals a certain dramatic flare that lets us glimpse the enthralling horror-thriller that this film could have been. On the whole, this has some memorable shots, but most of it was fairly dull.
The rest of the film is essentially a subpar period drama set in feudal Japan. The characters are all incompetent, forming terrible plans and failing even worse than expected. The swordplay is plentiful, but falls flat because there is no blood or cut clothing to indicate when anyone gets hit. The sets frequently look like they were made of paper mache (probably because they were). Still, the occasional scene reveals a certain dramatic flare that lets us glimpse the enthralling horror-thriller that this film could have been. On the whole, this has some memorable shots, but most of it was fairly dull.
The Lost World
(1925)
Interesting from a historical perspective, but with little entertainment value
31 May 2022
This film exists, almost exclusively, to showcase the stop-motion techniques of Willis O'Brien, the man who subsequently worked on the visual effects of King Kong. If you're interested in the history of film, and especially of special effects, then this film will be well worth watching for you. Otherwise, I really can't recommend. The action is repetitive, the plot is paper thin (they pretty much give up on the central plotline around halfway through, opting in favour of going on a sight-seeing tour instead), plus the antiquated approach to romance and conspicuous blackface will make many modern audience members uncomfortable. If the premise and style of the film interest you, King Kong is very similar, but better in nearly every way.
A true visual pleasure
29 May 2022
Employing miniatures, suitmation, puppetry, animatronics, and a splash of CGI, this film has some of the best realised monsters in the genre. The heavy focus on the kaiju (at the expense of the human characters) might be off-putting for general audiences, but this is a must-watch for kaiju fans.
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