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jack7
Reviews
Ocean's Twelve (2004)
Damn Hollywood
Commenter Andrew Wastie had this blistering snatch of a movie and its shameless actors and makers pegged right in his summary. And anyone who has anything good at all to say about this movie should be smacked silly and shot in the ass. It appears there is a reliable enough resource of you types in the world to get people who make dung heaps like Ocean's 12 paid enough money to go ahead and make such a time, energy and life sucking monster for the rest of us to get fooled into seeing. You're the same idiots who laugh at all the one-liners Hollywood puts in so many movies these days. Those stupid one-liners the directors and producers think of when they say, "Aw, lets make the audience laugh here even though what's going on is not really funny but serious." And the audience loves them and just bursts out laughing because they're like goldfish being fed. It must be wonderful to be Julia Roberts. It must be one giant fantasy, one giant ego boosting orgasm of a life she has. Getting paid millions to pretend to look like herself. Jesus. How do I get that gig. More amazing, how do any of those actors sleep at night after raping the movie going world? I mean, lots of actors get together on screen to make crap, only it's obvious "before" you pay. Those movies are called Caddyshack 2, Meatballs 2, Ghostbusters 2. Grease 2 was a better movie than Ocean's 12. At least it wasn't Olivia Newton John pretending to be herself. At least it was Michelle what's-her-face pretending to try to take Olivia's place. And the worst is, after these fudge heads goof off for 2 hours of your life, after they've been paid the big bucks for purposely failing to attempt to make anything more than crap(those motherhumpers), they'll then be the same ones trying to be serious and mouth off their politics at you and expect you to listen to them because unlike the rest of us, the world will pay to see them become rich from fudge flops like Ocean's 12.
Protocol (1984)
horrifying movie
The only good thing about this movie was the shot of Goldie Hawn standing in her little french cut bikini panties and struggling to keep a dozen other depraved women from removing her skimpy little cotton top while she giggled and cooed. Ooooof! Her loins rival those of Nina Hartley. This movie came out when I was fourteen and that shot nearly killed me. I'd forgotten about it all tucked away in the naughty Roladex of my mind until seeing it the other day on TV, where they actually blurred her midsection in that scene, good grief, reminding me what a smokin' hottie of a woman Goldie Hawn was in the '80s. Kurt Russell must have had a fun life.
The Patriot (2000)
Hollywood Horse****
Warning: spoilers below.
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An insult to those who actually lived through the real thing (especially the slaves), on both sides of the Atlantic, this movie.
Those overseas members who commented on how this movie is made for the cheese-eating American public are absolutely right. This movie wasn't about anything that happened in 1776. It was about "how can we make Mel Gibson everyone's favorite character if he were say, an 18th century plantation owner who really cares about his slaves and has kids with perfectly white teeth?"
And I love Mel Gibson. But God damn. Anyway...
I saw this flick with my dad. We went thinking it would be a serious fact-based docu-drama. We spent most of the movie laughing and guessing the dialogue before it was spoken and guessing what would happen before it happened. The movie was made for the idiot American public who buys into garbage no matter whether it is accurate or not, just as long as it's cutesy.
Why should there be anything funny in this tale of suffering and sacrifice? But no, Hollywood has Mel walking out of the British encampment, whistling so the British officer's dogs come running, away from their master the evil British officer because they'd rather be with righteous Mel. The theater cheered and clapped, and my dad and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I wanted to smack the back of everyone's head. They just ATE IT UP. "Oh, the dogs prefer Mel! What a great scene!" Not!!! God the public is so stupid.
Ugh, and at the part when they find out the British have been looting villages and killing families, and one militiaman realizes his home was one them, and he goes racing off before anyone can stop him. I forget the name of the character, because by that time I was in tears from laughing. It's true. My dad had turned to me and said in a mock-whiny voice, "Oh, he's gonna find the toy gun." Sure enough, the man's battle-weary hand sifts through the wreckage of his once proud shack and finds the toy gun he made for his son. Gee, who'da seen that'a comin'? As soon as that happened, and with the sound of my dad's prediction still ringing in my ears, I burst out laughing, much to the annoyance of the dumb clucks in front of me. By the time the guy shoots himself my dad and I were in hysterics. I hate noisy people in a theater, but we were left with no choice. What a farce!
"Before this movie is over, I will kill you," Mel said.
"Well, here I am?!" the evil British officer replied.
"Wha-? Oh, well, actually, I didn't mean right NOW. But I will. Kill you. Before it's over. This movie. ...You'll see," Mel said.
"Oh, brother," I sighed.
There are plenty of movies I like that contain some of the things I complain about here, but this one was just too much, mostly because it was a period piece, and a completely inaccurate one. I mean, his slaves were okay with things?
The only good thing about this flick was in the beginning when Mel obliterated that small platoon of redcoats. His two kids did a good job acting and being believable as scared children witnessing bloodshed and having no choice but to kill as well.